Put Up Your Dukes: 3 of 4 Steps Toward Conflict Resolution
by Kris Swiatocho and Pastor Dan Houk
(Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible Study.)
Conflict in relationships happens to us all. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
STEP #3: Analyze your beliefs
Deep down inside of you are some powerful beliefs about yourself that greatly influence how you handle conflict. If these beliefs are negative, they can cause emotional harm. What are these beliefs? Well, they tend to be expressed as universally true, using words like “always” or “never” to describe them.
For example, if someone says to you, “You’re always inconsiderate,” you may internalize that and take on the belief you are a mean person. Or if you hear, “No wonder you’re still single,” you may internalize that to believe you cannot have a romantic relationship. You might have grown up thinking you fall short or are incompetent.
These beliefs come from within or from others. Regardless of their origin, if we believe them, we own them. The beliefs we have about ourselves will often come out during conflict, which makes it an excellent opportunity to look at them, evaluate them, redefine them, or reject them. Many relationships are damaged in conflict because we hold onto false negative beliefs, which are nothing more than lies.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. – Proverbs 28:26 (ESV)
Dan says:
Teresa and I analyzed our beliefs in the same argument I mentioned earlier. Teresa’s father died when she was two years old. After that, she had other father figures go in and out of her life. As a result, she struggled with abandonment issues and, at times, felt unlovable.
Because of my actions scrolling on the phone, Teresa tapped into those feelings of abandonment and felt unlovable as a wife. Can you imagine how badly I felt when I discovered this?
At the same time, I had struggled with insecurity as a child, and I felt incompetent at times as a husband. She didn’t think of me that way, but I did. Though I didn’t realize it then, losing this argument meant I continued believing I was an insecure and incompetent person. Unsurprisingly, the stakes were high in this conflict, and this seemingly insignificant issue became huge.
After truly hearing from each other about our inner struggles, we hugged and wept. This powerful moment was brought on by an argument about me using Facebook on my phone. It was truly freeing to realize the argument about this incident was stupid. But our feelings and beliefs were being healed.
Rather than this conflict driving us apart, it brought us closer together as we genuinely began understanding each other more deeply. This is the kind of reconciliation God desires in our relationships.
For more on overcoming the lies we believe, see Chapter 5 on Blind Spots.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
(Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible Study.)
Conflict in relationships happens to us all. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
STEP #3: Analyze your beliefs
Deep down inside of you are some powerful beliefs about yourself that greatly influence how you handle conflict. If these beliefs are negative, they can cause emotional harm. What are these beliefs? Well, they tend to be expressed as universally true, using words like “always” or “never” to describe them.
For example, if someone says to you, “You’re always inconsiderate,” you may internalize that and take on the belief you are a mean person. Or if you hear, “No wonder you’re still single,” you may internalize that to believe you cannot have a romantic relationship. You might have grown up thinking you fall short or are incompetent.
These beliefs come from within or from others. Regardless of their origin, if we believe them, we own them. The beliefs we have about ourselves will often come out during conflict, which makes it an excellent opportunity to look at them, evaluate them, redefine them, or reject them. Many relationships are damaged in conflict because we hold onto false negative beliefs, which are nothing more than lies.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. – Proverbs 28:26 (ESV)
Dan says:
Teresa and I analyzed our beliefs in the same argument I mentioned earlier. Teresa’s father died when she was two years old. After that, she had other father figures go in and out of her life. As a result, she struggled with abandonment issues and, at times, felt unlovable.
Because of my actions scrolling on the phone, Teresa tapped into those feelings of abandonment and felt unlovable as a wife. Can you imagine how badly I felt when I discovered this?
At the same time, I had struggled with insecurity as a child, and I felt incompetent at times as a husband. She didn’t think of me that way, but I did. Though I didn’t realize it then, losing this argument meant I continued believing I was an insecure and incompetent person. Unsurprisingly, the stakes were high in this conflict, and this seemingly insignificant issue became huge.
After truly hearing from each other about our inner struggles, we hugged and wept. This powerful moment was brought on by an argument about me using Facebook on my phone. It was truly freeing to realize the argument about this incident was stupid. But our feelings and beliefs were being healed.
Rather than this conflict driving us apart, it brought us closer together as we genuinely began understanding each other more deeply. This is the kind of reconciliation God desires in our relationships.
For more on overcoming the lies we believe, see Chapter 5 on Blind Spots.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Put Up Your Dukes: 2 of 4 Steps Toward Conflict Resolution
by Kris Swiatocho and Pastor Dan Houk
(Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible Study.)
Conflict in relationships happens to us all. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
STEP #2: Accept your feelings.
Feelings are a part of every conflict. They can intensify the argument more than we like to admit. In James 4:1, he talks about our disagreements.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” – James 4:1 (NIV)
The desires James mentions in this verse are more accurately translated as “passions.” In other words, they stem from underlying emotions. We may think it is all about the issue we are fighting over, but our desires or underlying emotions often escalate conflict.
Dan says:
A few years into our marriage, Teresa and I argued one night. It didn’t seem particularly important then, but it ignited some emotion. Here’s what happened:
It was after work, and we were sitting in our living room. I was scrolling through Facebook, doing my duty as a pastor, and liking and commenting on all the posts from the people in our ministry. At least, that’s how I saw it.
Teresa asked, “Can you put that away so we can spend time together?”
Just then, a rush of memories of her scrolling through her phone came to my mind. I replied, “Why? You do it, too.”
She turned toward me.“You are on your phone way more than you realize.”
“I think you have a double standard.”
Though I put my phone away, she didn’t seem happy at my huge sacrifice.
We didn’t discuss it again for three months until we were at a marriage retreat. The speaker asked us to go to our individual rooms and discuss a time when we were in a conflict and write down what feelings we had at the time. Teresa wrote, “unloved, abandoned, ignored, and unimportant.” I wrote, “judged, inadequate, and frustrated.” When we realized how negatively the little interaction impacted us, we felt terrible for doing that to each other. Our feelings before and after our interaction weighed far greater than we had realized.
Below is a list of feelings we often have in conflict. Your feelings are real and need to be accepted, but your feelings are not facts. They don’t tell you who is right and who is wrong. They tell you how you feel about a situation or a person. Think about a past or present conflict and see if you can identify feelings you have had. Circle the words that describe your feelings. Evaluate how your feelings impacted you and your relationship.
Unresolved emotion in our conflict impacts our lives and robs us of joy. Once you have acknowledged the issue and accepted your feelings, you will want to dig deeper because your feelings are only part of what affects you in conflict.
Kris says:
One thing I have noticed about myself is that when I get into a heated situation—where there is conflict, and I find myself overreacting—there is usually something else going on. I have learned to peel back the layers to get to the real source of the problem. To quote Shrek speaking to Donkey, “Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.”
Usually, when I allow life to get to me, it’s because something deeper is going on. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep, or I am concerned and stressed about a bill due, I have sinned in some way, or someone hurt me. If not dealt with, all these manifest emotionally in unrelated things, like road rage or a simple disagreement with a family member.
So, what do I do? I stop. I think. I pray. I make sure my feelings are based on the truth of my situation. If it’s not about that situation, I return to the source and resolve it like Donkey and Shrek. It took a while for Donkey to get what Shrek felt from past pain and how it affected the present. And it took Shrek a while to accept Donkey’s real love and friendship, which came without any strings. Hmm, am I Shrek or Donkey?
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
(Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible Study.)
Conflict in relationships happens to us all. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
STEP #2: Accept your feelings.
Feelings are a part of every conflict. They can intensify the argument more than we like to admit. In James 4:1, he talks about our disagreements.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” – James 4:1 (NIV)
The desires James mentions in this verse are more accurately translated as “passions.” In other words, they stem from underlying emotions. We may think it is all about the issue we are fighting over, but our desires or underlying emotions often escalate conflict.
Dan says:
A few years into our marriage, Teresa and I argued one night. It didn’t seem particularly important then, but it ignited some emotion. Here’s what happened:
It was after work, and we were sitting in our living room. I was scrolling through Facebook, doing my duty as a pastor, and liking and commenting on all the posts from the people in our ministry. At least, that’s how I saw it.
Teresa asked, “Can you put that away so we can spend time together?”
Just then, a rush of memories of her scrolling through her phone came to my mind. I replied, “Why? You do it, too.”
She turned toward me.“You are on your phone way more than you realize.”
“I think you have a double standard.”
Though I put my phone away, she didn’t seem happy at my huge sacrifice.
We didn’t discuss it again for three months until we were at a marriage retreat. The speaker asked us to go to our individual rooms and discuss a time when we were in a conflict and write down what feelings we had at the time. Teresa wrote, “unloved, abandoned, ignored, and unimportant.” I wrote, “judged, inadequate, and frustrated.” When we realized how negatively the little interaction impacted us, we felt terrible for doing that to each other. Our feelings before and after our interaction weighed far greater than we had realized.
Below is a list of feelings we often have in conflict. Your feelings are real and need to be accepted, but your feelings are not facts. They don’t tell you who is right and who is wrong. They tell you how you feel about a situation or a person. Think about a past or present conflict and see if you can identify feelings you have had. Circle the words that describe your feelings. Evaluate how your feelings impacted you and your relationship.
- Anger, frustration, rage, contempt
- Hurt, betrayal, disappointment, neediness
- Shame, embarrassment, guilt, regret,
- Sadness, grief, joylessness, depression, humiliation, self-loathing
- Jealousy, suspicion, envy, selfishness, yearning
- Insecurity, inadequacy, unworthiness,
- Fear, anxiety, panic, worry, obsession, unqualified, unmotivated
- Loneliness, isolation, abandonment, emptiness, longing
- Love, affection, caring, pride, passion
- Gratitude, appreciation, thankfulness, admiration
Unresolved emotion in our conflict impacts our lives and robs us of joy. Once you have acknowledged the issue and accepted your feelings, you will want to dig deeper because your feelings are only part of what affects you in conflict.
Kris says:
One thing I have noticed about myself is that when I get into a heated situation—where there is conflict, and I find myself overreacting—there is usually something else going on. I have learned to peel back the layers to get to the real source of the problem. To quote Shrek speaking to Donkey, “Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.”
Usually, when I allow life to get to me, it’s because something deeper is going on. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep, or I am concerned and stressed about a bill due, I have sinned in some way, or someone hurt me. If not dealt with, all these manifest emotionally in unrelated things, like road rage or a simple disagreement with a family member.
So, what do I do? I stop. I think. I pray. I make sure my feelings are based on the truth of my situation. If it’s not about that situation, I return to the source and resolve it like Donkey and Shrek. It took a while for Donkey to get what Shrek felt from past pain and how it affected the present. And it took Shrek a while to accept Donkey’s real love and friendship, which came without any strings. Hmm, am I Shrek or Donkey?
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Put Up Your Dukes: 1 of 4 Steps Toward Conflict Resolution
by Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho, co-authors of the study: Intentional Relationships For Singles (Excerpt from Chapter 8)
Conflict in relationships happens to us all. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
Acknowledge the problem.
Problems, disappointments, and hurts happen throughout your life. Some are minor issues like people being late, not following through, or kids not cleaning their rooms when you ask. However, some are significant issues like betrayal, communication breakdowns, or disrespect. These kinds of issues create divisions in relationships that need to be addressed. As a part of acknowledging the problem, be sure you do the following:
• Pray. The first step in addressing any issue is to go to God. It’s also something you do throughout the process. He knows all the facts better than anyone. He will provide wisdom, direction, and peace as you go through the conflict-resolution process. He has a lot of experience. There is no scenario where God says, “Wow, I never saw that coming.” This may also be when you get wisdom from a trusted friend or counselor.
• Assess it. Do you need a confrontation? Does the difference need resolving? If the conflict is a personality issue, the solution may be to agree, disagree, and bite your tongue. We may also realize we are at fault and need to let it go. If the conflict is due to the other person having mental issues, special needs, or being elderly, they may not be capable of understanding their responsibility or working through it. If you plan on confronting someone, have you prayed and thought about what you would say to the person? Have you sought input from others you trust who have the wisdom to guide you? Remember, seeking wisdom from one or two trusted people is wise. Seeking advice from twenty friends can lead to gossip.
• Address it. If you decide you need to address the issue, it is important to confront the person involved to repair the relationship. If you are the one at fault, you may need to go and ask forgiveness.
• Manage your emotions. One of the ways to listen is to ensure your emotions are not controlling you. Emotions in conflict make your issues seem bigger and inhibit your ability to be rational. To help you with your emotions, take the time to settle your nerves.
• Plan to talk. Avoid emails or texting to discuss the conflict, as they don’t clearly communicate the truth or your heart and often lead to additional conflict. Meeting in person is ideal, but a phone or video call is better if this can’t be done. Be sure you and the other person are in the right frame of mind to discuss. Set a date and time that works for you both.
• Find neutral ground. Find a place that will be comfortable for both of you to meet. Avoid noisy restaurants where you are easily distracted or could run into someone you know.
• Meet one-on-one. The Bible instructs us to go directly to the person involved in the conflict and seek to resolve it. If you initially approach someone with others, it can appear as if you are ganging up on them, and they may feel attacked. This can put them on the defense and damage the outcome. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel in the same situation? If you can make concessions while still honoring Christ, do so if this will settle the issue. In kindness, seek to correct them. Come alongside to disciple them. Encourage and affirm good behavior. Do this all in a loving way. Some conflict resolution is for the closure of a relationship, to continue the relationship, or to start over, rebuilding a relationship.
• Meet with others. If the person won’t listen, accept responsibility, change, or acknowledge their responsibility, or you feel you are making no progress, only then should you set a time to meet with a third party. Remember, the goal is resolution, not “winning.” Jesus discusses this approach to confrontation.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matthew 18:15-1 (NIV)
• Don’t judge. Unless they tell us, we don’t know someone’s motives or intentions for whatever they said and did. In 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV), the Bible says that “man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees the heart.” Judging a person’s motives puts a wall between both of you and makes resolution more difficult. Try to find something positive in how they look at things differently than you do.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1 (NIV)
• Don’t assume. Try to avoid making assumptions. In addressing the issue with someone, you will need their perspective to resolve it entirely. That can only happen when you take the time to sit down and listen to each other. It is wise to keep the proverb below in mind.
“The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.” – Proverbs 18:17 (NASB)
• Don’t blame. Someone will need to take responsibility at some point, but that should not happen until you have all the information you need. Adam failed to do this when confronted by God and blamed both Eve and God! That was a major “oops,” and one I’m sure he regretted afterward. It did not bring him closer to Eve or God. Eve didn’t do much better. Blaming is an equal-opportunity sport.
“The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.’ Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” – Genesis 3:12-13 (NIV)
Remember, the confrontation isn’t only about you but also about repairing your relationship.
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but humbly count others more significant than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)
As we mentioned, when you acknowledge the problem to someone else, speak the truth in love. When you do, you will obey Christ and honor the other person.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Conflict in relationships happens to us all. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
Acknowledge the problem.
Problems, disappointments, and hurts happen throughout your life. Some are minor issues like people being late, not following through, or kids not cleaning their rooms when you ask. However, some are significant issues like betrayal, communication breakdowns, or disrespect. These kinds of issues create divisions in relationships that need to be addressed. As a part of acknowledging the problem, be sure you do the following:
• Pray. The first step in addressing any issue is to go to God. It’s also something you do throughout the process. He knows all the facts better than anyone. He will provide wisdom, direction, and peace as you go through the conflict-resolution process. He has a lot of experience. There is no scenario where God says, “Wow, I never saw that coming.” This may also be when you get wisdom from a trusted friend or counselor.
• Assess it. Do you need a confrontation? Does the difference need resolving? If the conflict is a personality issue, the solution may be to agree, disagree, and bite your tongue. We may also realize we are at fault and need to let it go. If the conflict is due to the other person having mental issues, special needs, or being elderly, they may not be capable of understanding their responsibility or working through it. If you plan on confronting someone, have you prayed and thought about what you would say to the person? Have you sought input from others you trust who have the wisdom to guide you? Remember, seeking wisdom from one or two trusted people is wise. Seeking advice from twenty friends can lead to gossip.
• Address it. If you decide you need to address the issue, it is important to confront the person involved to repair the relationship. If you are the one at fault, you may need to go and ask forgiveness.
• Manage your emotions. One of the ways to listen is to ensure your emotions are not controlling you. Emotions in conflict make your issues seem bigger and inhibit your ability to be rational. To help you with your emotions, take the time to settle your nerves.
• Plan to talk. Avoid emails or texting to discuss the conflict, as they don’t clearly communicate the truth or your heart and often lead to additional conflict. Meeting in person is ideal, but a phone or video call is better if this can’t be done. Be sure you and the other person are in the right frame of mind to discuss. Set a date and time that works for you both.
• Find neutral ground. Find a place that will be comfortable for both of you to meet. Avoid noisy restaurants where you are easily distracted or could run into someone you know.
• Meet one-on-one. The Bible instructs us to go directly to the person involved in the conflict and seek to resolve it. If you initially approach someone with others, it can appear as if you are ganging up on them, and they may feel attacked. This can put them on the defense and damage the outcome. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel in the same situation? If you can make concessions while still honoring Christ, do so if this will settle the issue. In kindness, seek to correct them. Come alongside to disciple them. Encourage and affirm good behavior. Do this all in a loving way. Some conflict resolution is for the closure of a relationship, to continue the relationship, or to start over, rebuilding a relationship.
• Meet with others. If the person won’t listen, accept responsibility, change, or acknowledge their responsibility, or you feel you are making no progress, only then should you set a time to meet with a third party. Remember, the goal is resolution, not “winning.” Jesus discusses this approach to confrontation.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matthew 18:15-1 (NIV)
• Don’t judge. Unless they tell us, we don’t know someone’s motives or intentions for whatever they said and did. In 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV), the Bible says that “man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees the heart.” Judging a person’s motives puts a wall between both of you and makes resolution more difficult. Try to find something positive in how they look at things differently than you do.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1 (NIV)
• Don’t assume. Try to avoid making assumptions. In addressing the issue with someone, you will need their perspective to resolve it entirely. That can only happen when you take the time to sit down and listen to each other. It is wise to keep the proverb below in mind.
“The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.” – Proverbs 18:17 (NASB)
• Don’t blame. Someone will need to take responsibility at some point, but that should not happen until you have all the information you need. Adam failed to do this when confronted by God and blamed both Eve and God! That was a major “oops,” and one I’m sure he regretted afterward. It did not bring him closer to Eve or God. Eve didn’t do much better. Blaming is an equal-opportunity sport.
“The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.’ Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” – Genesis 3:12-13 (NIV)
Remember, the confrontation isn’t only about you but also about repairing your relationship.
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but humbly count others more significant than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)
As we mentioned, when you acknowledge the problem to someone else, speak the truth in love. When you do, you will obey Christ and honor the other person.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Can You Really Be Friends with the Opposite Sex?
by Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho, co-authors of the study: Intentional Relationships For Singles
Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex? For some, they say “yes,” and for others, a resounding “no.” So why would you think that it’s not possible? Recently, I was a part of a chat discussion about this topic. I was amazed at the numerous comments made. Women, for the most part, had no issues with being friends with men. They could see the value of building a friendship that may or may not lead to romance. They saw the relationship as one in which they could learn about men and ask some of those awkward and challenging questions. They also valued friends with married men, especially when they were friends with the men before they got married.
Conversely, the men felt it was harder for them to be friends. They often see a woman as a potential date, someone of romantic interest that may or may not lead to marriage. For them, being friends with a woman fell into two categories: sister (thinking of her as a biological sibling—and you will know you are one when they start calling you “sis” or “sister”), romance, and nothing in between. They shared that they have tunnel vision and have difficulty seeing her as “just a friend,” which may or may not lead to anything other than friendship.
And, of course, we had some exceptions. A few women felt the same way as the guys and vice versa. So, what is the correct answer? Is it possible to be friends and nothing else? Friends that continue to build deeper relationships with each other, only for growing in the Lord without any romantic intentions.
I say “Yes”. Why? Because I have them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hear ya guys. I know many men may say to me, well, Kris, you can do it because you are a woman, but we are in pursuit of a dating relationship, and we are either hot or cold. So, while you think you are great friends with one of us, in absolute truth, you are only great friends with the ones who don’t see you as a potential mate. But isn’t that ok? This way, I can just focus on the friendship without the concern of them like me in a romantic way, especially if I don’t feel the same way. I think so.
In our Bible study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, Chapter 9 discusses friendship with the same and opposite sex friends. We also talked about the types of friendships to avoid.
Jesus was an proponent of friendships with women:
The women in Jesus’ life not only spent time with Him, but they also supported His ministry. Jesus had direct conversations with them, gave them advice, and comforted them in times of sorrow.
“And also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.” – Luke 8:2-3
“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” – Luke 10:38-39
Jesus taught us the value of opposite-sex friends:
Here is the key to having opposite-sex friends:
If you struggle with developing opposite-sex friends, first look at:
For more information on Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk and the Intentional Relationships For Singles, please go to www.IntentionalRelationshipSolutions.org
Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex? For some, they say “yes,” and for others, a resounding “no.” So why would you think that it’s not possible? Recently, I was a part of a chat discussion about this topic. I was amazed at the numerous comments made. Women, for the most part, had no issues with being friends with men. They could see the value of building a friendship that may or may not lead to romance. They saw the relationship as one in which they could learn about men and ask some of those awkward and challenging questions. They also valued friends with married men, especially when they were friends with the men before they got married.
Conversely, the men felt it was harder for them to be friends. They often see a woman as a potential date, someone of romantic interest that may or may not lead to marriage. For them, being friends with a woman fell into two categories: sister (thinking of her as a biological sibling—and you will know you are one when they start calling you “sis” or “sister”), romance, and nothing in between. They shared that they have tunnel vision and have difficulty seeing her as “just a friend,” which may or may not lead to anything other than friendship.
And, of course, we had some exceptions. A few women felt the same way as the guys and vice versa. So, what is the correct answer? Is it possible to be friends and nothing else? Friends that continue to build deeper relationships with each other, only for growing in the Lord without any romantic intentions.
I say “Yes”. Why? Because I have them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hear ya guys. I know many men may say to me, well, Kris, you can do it because you are a woman, but we are in pursuit of a dating relationship, and we are either hot or cold. So, while you think you are great friends with one of us, in absolute truth, you are only great friends with the ones who don’t see you as a potential mate. But isn’t that ok? This way, I can just focus on the friendship without the concern of them like me in a romantic way, especially if I don’t feel the same way. I think so.
In our Bible study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, Chapter 9 discusses friendship with the same and opposite sex friends. We also talked about the types of friendships to avoid.
Jesus was an proponent of friendships with women:
The women in Jesus’ life not only spent time with Him, but they also supported His ministry. Jesus had direct conversations with them, gave them advice, and comforted them in times of sorrow.
“And also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.” – Luke 8:2-3
“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” – Luke 10:38-39
Jesus taught us the value of opposite-sex friends:
- You learn about the other gender. For example, why do men like to drive long distances without stopping? Are they in competition with other men? Is there a website where you post the winners? What about women? Why do they say I will be ready in fifteen minutes, but it’s really an hour or more? What have they been doing in the bathroom for so long? Why is it a requirement to go to public bathrooms in twos?
- It helps you set and practice boundaries. We talk about this in chapter 7.
- You develop your ability to communicate with the opposite sex.
- You can learn how to care for someone for who they are without a hidden romantic agenda.
- It can reveal what you need to change in your life. It can expose things like personal motives and habits that get in your way with the opposite sex.
- When you focus on building healthy opposite-sex friendships, they can develop into healthy romantic relationships.
Here is the key to having opposite-sex friends:
- You will need boundaries, especially so no one misunderstands your intentions. I am sure Jesus had many boundaries as he was a single man who probably had lots of mothers wishing he would marry their daughters. Jesus had a different future that would not include a wife. Can you imagine how he had to be careful with touching—including hugging, being alone and seen, private conversations, etc.? He is our perfect example of setting boundaries for the protection of yourself and the gospel.
- You need to communicate your feelings, especially if the other person likes you more than a friend. I am sure Jesus had many conversations with women, letting them know he was not interested in romance or marriage. He was more interested in their soul, salvation, and serving.
- Pray about the person if God has brought them into your life for a specific reason. Could it be to connect them with other people, ask them to serve on your team or in your ministry, encourage and support them in the work God has called them to do or build a friendship or a friendship towards marriage? Chapter 10 of the study discusses “Intentional Friendship,” the place between a generic friendship and dating, allowing you to build a deeper friendship. When you build a deeper friendship, you can learn things about each other, allowing you to make healthy God-led decisions about going forward with dating. Dating for the purpose of marriage. We included over 650 questions to help in getting to know someone better.
- Be a great friend: support, listen, build trust, keep secrets, and hold each other accountable.
- Enjoy it for the season you have it. Sometimes, they move away, sometimes they get married, and it changes things (as it should), and sometimes they just end your friendship, and you don’t know why, especially when you did nothing wrong. Embrace the time God has given you, value it, learn from it, and move on to the next friendship.
If you struggle with developing opposite-sex friends, first look at:
- Your relationship with God. Is it healthy? Is it growing? How much time do you spend with God? Is he your first friend?
No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. —John 15:5
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.—Matthew 6:33 - How are your same-sex friendships? Do you spend time with each other? Do you hold each other accountable? Is it healthy? Would your friends say the same about you?
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. —Proverbs 27:17
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.—John 15:13 - If and when you date, do you go from just meeting to asking them out, skipping building a friendship first? If so, why the hurry? Wouldn’t you want your feelings to be protected for both, first by having a friendship? A friendship that might show you why they would or wouldn’t be a good spouse. So, next time, while you are attracted to them for various reasons, slow down and get to know them first.
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”—Psalm 46:1
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.—Isaiah 55:9
For more information on Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk and the Intentional Relationships For Singles, please go to www.IntentionalRelationshipSolutions.org
4 Friendship Hacks for Better Friendships and Dates
by Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho, co-authors of the study: Intentional Relationships For Singles
..It is not good for man to be alone." - Genesis 2:18
1 - Ask more questions than you answer. When you ask deeper questions beyond their favorite dessert or vacation spot, you are saying, I am interested in knowing more about you. Our friendship is important to me. And if you aren’t sure what to ask, we suggest reading Chapter 10 in our study and using the 650 questions in the back of the book just to get you started.
2 - Seek advice. It demonstrates trust and respect. We need each other, especially those friends walking with the Lord, seeking Him daily, and growing in their faith. We need wise friends to hold us accountable and to reveal our blind spots. So, next time you are together, be intentional in asking for their advice.
3 - Pursue them. It shows love and care. Anything worth having requires pursuit. We have no problem pursuing the things of this world that are temporal, such as our homes, education, career, money, our bodies, and unhealthy relationships. However, pursuing what God desires can be difficult, especially when it involves the heart. No one wants to be rejected. Pray and ask God who He would have you pursue and for what reason. Ask Him how to do it that would honor Him and the other person.
4 - And encourage them with compliments, laughter, and support. Encouragement and support can go a long way when they're sincere. It can lift you out of a bad funk, reveal the truth of your identity in Christ, and be used as a weapon against the enemy. And hey, it doesn’t hurt to add a joke here or there in the midst.
We can all be a little more intentional.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
For more information on Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk and the Intentional Relationships For Singles, please go to www.IntentionalRelationshipSolutions.org
..It is not good for man to be alone." - Genesis 2:18
1 - Ask more questions than you answer. When you ask deeper questions beyond their favorite dessert or vacation spot, you are saying, I am interested in knowing more about you. Our friendship is important to me. And if you aren’t sure what to ask, we suggest reading Chapter 10 in our study and using the 650 questions in the back of the book just to get you started.
2 - Seek advice. It demonstrates trust and respect. We need each other, especially those friends walking with the Lord, seeking Him daily, and growing in their faith. We need wise friends to hold us accountable and to reveal our blind spots. So, next time you are together, be intentional in asking for their advice.
3 - Pursue them. It shows love and care. Anything worth having requires pursuit. We have no problem pursuing the things of this world that are temporal, such as our homes, education, career, money, our bodies, and unhealthy relationships. However, pursuing what God desires can be difficult, especially when it involves the heart. No one wants to be rejected. Pray and ask God who He would have you pursue and for what reason. Ask Him how to do it that would honor Him and the other person.
4 - And encourage them with compliments, laughter, and support. Encouragement and support can go a long way when they're sincere. It can lift you out of a bad funk, reveal the truth of your identity in Christ, and be used as a weapon against the enemy. And hey, it doesn’t hurt to add a joke here or there in the midst.
We can all be a little more intentional.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
For more information on Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk and the Intentional Relationships For Singles, please go to www.IntentionalRelationshipSolutions.org
Galentines? Guyentines? Really?
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 2, Why Our Relationships Fail by Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
What is going on? Why can't we just be happy with calling it "Valentine's Day"? Why do we now have to have new names that take the focus off romance and replace it with a name that communicates we are going to hang with our pals? Is this holiday so upsetting because it reminds us we are alone? That we haven't found the "one"?
OK, I understand it can be challenging when you don't have someone special. I have been single all my life. And I too would love to have some special bring me chocolates in the shape of a heart (that my hips do not need), flowers that cost way too much and will die in a week, and dinner at a fancy restaurant where your meal looks like a work of art on your plate. I would love to get that mushy card that says how much my eyes look like two pools of…what is it again? But most of you reading this article do not have that special person. Celebrating Valentine's Day can be a hard reminder of what you don't have versus what you do. Why is this? Because there is an unrealistic expectation of this holiday.
So, what is an unrealistic expectation? It's a thought that can lead to an opinion that can lead to an action without the necessary correct information. These unrealistic expectations can be something we created (due to our past or present) or our families, friends, work, the media, and even the enemy. For example, with friends, you expect everyone to feel or believe about things the same way. And when they don't, you get upset. This can damage your friendships. This attitude and unrealistic expectation trickles into every part of your life, even holidays. Instead of saying to yourself, you know Valentine's is a celebration of love and romance, and I want that. I am going to look at that holiday differently. I choose to celebrate God being my Valentine. I choose to find ways to express love to those around me---because of His great love for me. I choose to have realistic expectations that don't disappoint me, make me angry, or cause me to run away. And I can support those around me who have found the "one" and be thankful that THE ONE found you.
So, while you might attend a "Galentine" night, where a bunch of women get together to celebrate your friendships, which is good, don't shy away from attending a Valentine's night.
John 3:16 ESV “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
To order your copy of Intentional Relationships and start the journey healthy intentional relationships, click here.
What is going on? Why can't we just be happy with calling it "Valentine's Day"? Why do we now have to have new names that take the focus off romance and replace it with a name that communicates we are going to hang with our pals? Is this holiday so upsetting because it reminds us we are alone? That we haven't found the "one"?
OK, I understand it can be challenging when you don't have someone special. I have been single all my life. And I too would love to have some special bring me chocolates in the shape of a heart (that my hips do not need), flowers that cost way too much and will die in a week, and dinner at a fancy restaurant where your meal looks like a work of art on your plate. I would love to get that mushy card that says how much my eyes look like two pools of…what is it again? But most of you reading this article do not have that special person. Celebrating Valentine's Day can be a hard reminder of what you don't have versus what you do. Why is this? Because there is an unrealistic expectation of this holiday.
So, what is an unrealistic expectation? It's a thought that can lead to an opinion that can lead to an action without the necessary correct information. These unrealistic expectations can be something we created (due to our past or present) or our families, friends, work, the media, and even the enemy. For example, with friends, you expect everyone to feel or believe about things the same way. And when they don't, you get upset. This can damage your friendships. This attitude and unrealistic expectation trickles into every part of your life, even holidays. Instead of saying to yourself, you know Valentine's is a celebration of love and romance, and I want that. I am going to look at that holiday differently. I choose to celebrate God being my Valentine. I choose to find ways to express love to those around me---because of His great love for me. I choose to have realistic expectations that don't disappoint me, make me angry, or cause me to run away. And I can support those around me who have found the "one" and be thankful that THE ONE found you.
So, while you might attend a "Galentine" night, where a bunch of women get together to celebrate your friendships, which is good, don't shy away from attending a Valentine's night.
John 3:16 ESV “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
To order your copy of Intentional Relationships and start the journey healthy intentional relationships, click here.
Are We Dating or What?
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 10 by Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
Have you ever been in a relationship with the opposite sex and confused about your status? Are you dating or just friends? Are you moving forward or standing still? Do you both agree on where you are in the relationship? If you agree that you are dating, then it’s a matter of dating with the intention towards marriage (more of that content in Chapter 11). But what if you thought you were dating when the other person’s behavior didn’t match yours? One day, they show you affection, spend time with you, and treat you like one of the guys the next day. These types of relationships, “friendationships,” need a DTR (Determine the Relationship) as quickly as possible before going further. Read below to see if you are in one of these relationships or have been and ways to avoid another one or end the one you are in.
What a friendationship looks like:
One person likes or even loves the other person without it being reciprocated. That person will often do things for them, such as cut their lawn, shop, fix their dinner, wash their clothes, run errands, back rub, repair something, and buy them things, without a real commitment to a dating relationship. It is a confusing friendship because one or both friends can’t accurately describe what kind of relationship it is. Sometimes, it feels like dating; other times, it feels like friendship: one or both people long for a dating relationship, but not necessarily with each other. Physical and emotional boundaries are frequently crossed. This adds to the confusion. Friendationships can last months to many years.
In James, God tells us the importance of truthfulness and accuracy in what we tell each other.
“But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.” – James 5:12 (ESV)
What motivates people in a friendationship:
Because both people are getting something from the friendationship, they want it to continue. One friend receives the hope of a marriage, while the other receives the benefits from exclusive dating without the commitment. Both people are experiencing an increased degree of intimacy without the corresponding commitment.
In Philippians, God tells us that we need to go to Him about those anxious areas, especially ones of the heart.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” – Philippians 4:6 (ESV)
Why friendationships are harmful:
This friendship is extremely damaging on both sides, emotionally and spiritually, because it is not based on truth. It is also selfish. We are looking for someone else to meet our needs in an unhealthy way. It is not unusual for people in these friendships to avoid defining the relationship out of fear of losing the relationship and its benefits. Friendationships also prevent the person from holding out hope from dating others who may be a great match for them.
Take a moment now and speak to God about any relationship you are in that is either not defined or unhealthy. What do you need to do next?
How to avoid a friendationship:
Friendationships usually start with some type of attraction and a significant amount of time spent talking, texting, or meeting with the person. One person will begin to feel attracted but fearful that the other doesn’t feel the same. We are beginning to get mixed signals. This is your yellow light. He wants to hold my hand but later says we are friends. He spends a lot of time sharing deeply but still dates online. She cooks my favorite dinner and invites me over but seems to flirt with other guys. This is when you need to have a DTR talk, right when the confusing signals start. This will help you minimize the pain. “
In Philippians, God tells us that we should look out for others. Are there relationships in your life where you are not seeking to protect others, where you are only focused on what you want?
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:4 (ESV)
How to end a friendationship:
If you know you are in a friendationship, it is important you end it, and the sooner, the better. It is honest to say you have different expectations for the relationship. When you end the friendationship, all communication must end as well, including text messages, emails, and in-person meetings. Why? At least one person in the friendationship usually has feelings that will keep getting ignited when they are in contact. Continued contact has the effect of prolonging their pain. The person who is hoping for something more needs to be able to heal their heart. Healing only happens when time is allowed. This can take six months a year or longer. This may seem harsh, but it is important to break that emotional connection.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)
To order your copy of Intentional Relationships and start the journey healthy intentional relationships, click here.
Have you ever been in a relationship with the opposite sex and confused about your status? Are you dating or just friends? Are you moving forward or standing still? Do you both agree on where you are in the relationship? If you agree that you are dating, then it’s a matter of dating with the intention towards marriage (more of that content in Chapter 11). But what if you thought you were dating when the other person’s behavior didn’t match yours? One day, they show you affection, spend time with you, and treat you like one of the guys the next day. These types of relationships, “friendationships,” need a DTR (Determine the Relationship) as quickly as possible before going further. Read below to see if you are in one of these relationships or have been and ways to avoid another one or end the one you are in.
What a friendationship looks like:
One person likes or even loves the other person without it being reciprocated. That person will often do things for them, such as cut their lawn, shop, fix their dinner, wash their clothes, run errands, back rub, repair something, and buy them things, without a real commitment to a dating relationship. It is a confusing friendship because one or both friends can’t accurately describe what kind of relationship it is. Sometimes, it feels like dating; other times, it feels like friendship: one or both people long for a dating relationship, but not necessarily with each other. Physical and emotional boundaries are frequently crossed. This adds to the confusion. Friendationships can last months to many years.
In James, God tells us the importance of truthfulness and accuracy in what we tell each other.
“But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.” – James 5:12 (ESV)
What motivates people in a friendationship:
Because both people are getting something from the friendationship, they want it to continue. One friend receives the hope of a marriage, while the other receives the benefits from exclusive dating without the commitment. Both people are experiencing an increased degree of intimacy without the corresponding commitment.
In Philippians, God tells us that we need to go to Him about those anxious areas, especially ones of the heart.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” – Philippians 4:6 (ESV)
Why friendationships are harmful:
This friendship is extremely damaging on both sides, emotionally and spiritually, because it is not based on truth. It is also selfish. We are looking for someone else to meet our needs in an unhealthy way. It is not unusual for people in these friendships to avoid defining the relationship out of fear of losing the relationship and its benefits. Friendationships also prevent the person from holding out hope from dating others who may be a great match for them.
Take a moment now and speak to God about any relationship you are in that is either not defined or unhealthy. What do you need to do next?
How to avoid a friendationship:
Friendationships usually start with some type of attraction and a significant amount of time spent talking, texting, or meeting with the person. One person will begin to feel attracted but fearful that the other doesn’t feel the same. We are beginning to get mixed signals. This is your yellow light. He wants to hold my hand but later says we are friends. He spends a lot of time sharing deeply but still dates online. She cooks my favorite dinner and invites me over but seems to flirt with other guys. This is when you need to have a DTR talk, right when the confusing signals start. This will help you minimize the pain. “
In Philippians, God tells us that we should look out for others. Are there relationships in your life where you are not seeking to protect others, where you are only focused on what you want?
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:4 (ESV)
How to end a friendationship:
If you know you are in a friendationship, it is important you end it, and the sooner, the better. It is honest to say you have different expectations for the relationship. When you end the friendationship, all communication must end as well, including text messages, emails, and in-person meetings. Why? At least one person in the friendationship usually has feelings that will keep getting ignited when they are in contact. Continued contact has the effect of prolonging their pain. The person who is hoping for something more needs to be able to heal their heart. Healing only happens when time is allowed. This can take six months a year or longer. This may seem harsh, but it is important to break that emotional connection.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)
To order your copy of Intentional Relationships and start the journey healthy intentional relationships, click here.
Are You an Influencer?
Are you an influencer? Are you affecting others by how you live, what you say, what you promote, what you buy, what you put on social media, what you believe about yourself, and what you believe about God, etc.?
I was at a friend’s house for dinner a few years ago. I was talking with his 22-year-old daughter about the work I do in ministry. I told her I teach a live Facebook podcast each Sunday, and usually, depending on the topic, by mid-week, there may be 500-2000 views. She proceeded to say, wow, you are an influencer. I was like, “I am a what, an influencer? What does that mean. Sure, I hope to influence people with the word of God, but how does that make me an “influencer”? Well, the way a 22-year-old would put it.
So, what is an influencer? It’s anything or anyone that affects another person in such a way that can cause the other person to change, do things differently, and live differently. This could be anything from what they buy to what they wear, where they live, etc.
I decided to do some research and found that the top 20 influencers in the nation are athletes, actors, musicians, and models. They have millions of followers. How they act, what they say, do, etc., is changing the lives of many, but varying in what way? Is it a good or bad change?
Since the beginning of time, there have been many influencers. In the Bible, every person you read about influenced those around them, including you and me. From Adam and Eve and how they handled their sin to Abraham's courage, to Moses's obedience to Mary Magdalene and sharing the news of Jesus’s resurrection, to the disciples and, of course, the ultimate influencer, Jesus Christ.
So, to be considered an authentic and valuable influencer today, the world would expect you to have thousands of followers. The more followers you have, the more companies are interested in advertising on your page, making everyone money. Even Christians and ministries have jumped on board. Several out there make thousands of dollars a month making videos of their families, whether it’s their kid's first steps or their family singing together. Most Christians aim to use their influence to reach people for the Lord. So, while you are flipping through the secular videos, you might come across one that speaks the name of Jesus.
So, what if you are not a social media savant? You don’t have a bunch of cute kids or a special talent for video work? Can you still be an influencer? Yes! The key is to make sure it’s not about you and always about Jesus.
So, while you might not show you have millions of followers on your social media account, all that matters is you are a follower of Christ because of his influence on you, and as a result, you are influencing others, even one at a time. And Jesus is saying, “Wow, you are an influencer”.
John 14: 6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
To order your copy of Intentional Relationships and start the journey of being an "Influencer" click here.
I was at a friend’s house for dinner a few years ago. I was talking with his 22-year-old daughter about the work I do in ministry. I told her I teach a live Facebook podcast each Sunday, and usually, depending on the topic, by mid-week, there may be 500-2000 views. She proceeded to say, wow, you are an influencer. I was like, “I am a what, an influencer? What does that mean. Sure, I hope to influence people with the word of God, but how does that make me an “influencer”? Well, the way a 22-year-old would put it.
So, what is an influencer? It’s anything or anyone that affects another person in such a way that can cause the other person to change, do things differently, and live differently. This could be anything from what they buy to what they wear, where they live, etc.
I decided to do some research and found that the top 20 influencers in the nation are athletes, actors, musicians, and models. They have millions of followers. How they act, what they say, do, etc., is changing the lives of many, but varying in what way? Is it a good or bad change?
Since the beginning of time, there have been many influencers. In the Bible, every person you read about influenced those around them, including you and me. From Adam and Eve and how they handled their sin to Abraham's courage, to Moses's obedience to Mary Magdalene and sharing the news of Jesus’s resurrection, to the disciples and, of course, the ultimate influencer, Jesus Christ.
So, to be considered an authentic and valuable influencer today, the world would expect you to have thousands of followers. The more followers you have, the more companies are interested in advertising on your page, making everyone money. Even Christians and ministries have jumped on board. Several out there make thousands of dollars a month making videos of their families, whether it’s their kid's first steps or their family singing together. Most Christians aim to use their influence to reach people for the Lord. So, while you are flipping through the secular videos, you might come across one that speaks the name of Jesus.
So, what if you are not a social media savant? You don’t have a bunch of cute kids or a special talent for video work? Can you still be an influencer? Yes! The key is to make sure it’s not about you and always about Jesus.
- Be an influencer with your family. Families are the hardest to witness, too, mainly because they know who you used to be. You have to decide that despite your past, they will see a different person. This will be by your actions, handling conflict, and spending your time and money. It might be a slow process, but over time, you will be able to influence them.
1 Peter 3:15 But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,… - Be an influencer to your friends. When you become a Christian, often our friendships change. For some, the fact that you have accepted Christ and are saved now has a huge impact on others. They will begin to see your choices, attitude, and way of living change. Some will want nothing of your new life, while others may want to know more. You will set the bar higher, encouraging others to do the same. This is especially important in romance. In our study “Intentional Relationships,” Pastor Dan Houk and I discuss the importance of being equally yoked. This starts at the friendship level, then Intentional Friendships™, then intentional dating. You will need strength during this time, so having a Christian community, going to church, attending a small group, etc., will help you to be a significant influencer.
1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. - Be an influencer at work. Depending on where you work and what you produce, you will be affected by your walk with God. Some may need to find new employment, but others see their job as an opportunity to be an influencer to set an example of integrity, honesty, and hard work. 1
Peter 3:16 Having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. - Be an influencer as a leader, a discipler, a teacher, a manager, or a pastor. Wow, what opportunities you have to change the world by leading others. Sometimes, you feel like you are not making any difference, but know you are. You have no idea who is watching you on social media, but more importantly, in person. You have no idea a comment here, a hug, a thumbs up, a smile, and a listening ear have changed a person’s direction in life. I can’t count how many people who had led me in some way—even when I was lost- they impacted my life simply because they took time for me. Just think, when you lead for the purpose of Christ, how you are making an eternal difference in someone’s life. Be the light on a hill.
Matthew 5:13-16 “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet. “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
I was thinking back to my young days of working in the secular world. I took some leadership classes, including graduating from Toastmasters and Dale Carnegie. That training helped me to be more successful in business. It would also help me when God called me into full-time ministry. Dale Carnegie's book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” has made a difference. Here are a few tips from the book:
- Do not criticize, condemn, or complain. Who wants to be around someone who does this all the time? We need to vent, but not to someone you just met.
- Remember people’s names. I try to say people’s names back to them so I don’t forget.
- Be real, authentic, and honest. Be an encourager and offer praise. Value others as Christ has valued you. I try to do this as much as possible, especially for those struggling in life for whatever reason.
- Handle conflict well. Even if you are right, be willing to listen to their side, valuing and sympathizing with them. The goal isn’t always to win the argument.
- Admit your mistakes quickly. This allows them to know where you struggle as well.
- Find things in common so you can build a relationship. The ultimate goal in ALL relationships is to build God’s Kingdom. So, whether it’s to lead someone to the Lord, encourage them where they are in the Lord, or be encouraged yourself, the focus is on God.
So, while you might not show you have millions of followers on your social media account, all that matters is you are a follower of Christ because of his influence on you, and as a result, you are influencing others, even one at a time. And Jesus is saying, “Wow, you are an influencer”.
John 14: 6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
To order your copy of Intentional Relationships and start the journey of being an "Influencer" click here.
How to I Please My Parents and Stay True to Myself?
Question: I'm 28, and for two years, I have been dating an older guy who is 45. We love each other very much and would like to get married soon. He's divorced with two children. He's a very good father to his kids, and I know he'll make a good husband. We are both Christians. I'm Nigerian but have lived in the States since I was 17. My parents still live in Nigeria. The problem is they want me to end the relationship with him because of our age difference and because he has been divorced and has kids. My dad referred to him as "second hand" and said he would never give me into marriage to him. My parents say he will divorce me, too, and reminded me that the Bible says God hates divorce. They are worried that I'll shame them and people will talk about it.
I have been praying about our relationship because I knew it would be challenging. We have both prayed for God's guidance and discernment in helping us make good decisions that honor God. I have often feared him passing before me because he's much older. The thought of being without him hurts. But with prayer, I've been able to deal with it.
I love my parents and do not want to disappoint them. I've always done what they wanted, but I'm at a point where I don't want to end the relationship, and I don't think my parents will ever change their minds. I also feel I cannot live my life for them or for the Nigerian culture and what people back home would think or say. I feel torn. What do I do?
Answer: Thanks so much for sharing your story. As much as I agree that it's important to honor your parents, there also comes a time when you must stand alone and make your own decisions. At some point in time, you decided to date this man, knowing that his background would not be acceptable to your parents. As stated, you have lived in the US since you were 17. You have also wanted to separate yourself from your Nigerian culture and what people might think of you back home. Please know as much as I like to think I am all grown and do not need my parents to approve of what I do; I do need to respect them. When I was as young as you, I did something horrible. I not only dated a man who had been married (several times ), but I even moved in with him. I significantly hurt my parents and extended family. It was only through prayers that I got out of the situation and back to God. I am just thankful I never married him.
On the contrary, I realize your boyfriend loves the Lord, and you are not living together. I also have no problem he has been divorced. Divorce is not an unforgivable sin. What does raise a red flag is your struggle over your parents' opinion because some part of you knows it's wrong. Not wrong because you are sinning, but wrong because you always knew your parents would not accept this man's background. Is this man worth losing your parents blessing? Is this man worth a broken relationship with your parents? It is true that once you are married, you will become one. That your life will be with your husband, not your parents. But can you live with that?
Here are some ideas and some things to pray about. First, is there a way you and your boyfriend can go home to Nigeria so your parents can meet him and hear in his own words his love for you and God? If you can't fly home, perhaps you could Zoom. If you fell in love with him, despite his age and background, maybe your parents will too!
Another thought is that your father says God hates divorce. Yes, that is true. But God also hates a lot of other things. I think your father's concerns are normal. Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first. But again, with God leading and with God being the focus, your marriage can be successful. I know several people who were once divorced, remarried, and now serve as pastors. Perhaps your father needs to learn more about the circumstances of your boyfriend's divorce. Was he a Christian, then? How long has it been since he was divorced? Is the mother of his children still in their lives? Are you planning on having more children together, etc.? The more information your father has, the more he gets to know your boyfriend, the more likely he might change his mind. I encourage you both to read my study, Intentional Relationships for Singles. It's a great study to help you affirm your decision, learn more about yourselves and each other, and prepare you for your upcoming marriage.
If this is the man God has chosen for you and you have kept God as the center, if you have had some excellent counseling by your pastor and he is in agreement (maybe even have your pastor talk to your parents), then I think you will have to do what you feel God is leading you to do. You can't change people. If your parents would disown you, this tells me that their pride is more important than you are to them. Hopefully, they would see their error in time, and things could heal and be restored.
The bottom line is to do what God tells you to do. God is the only one you need to please.
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
I have been praying about our relationship because I knew it would be challenging. We have both prayed for God's guidance and discernment in helping us make good decisions that honor God. I have often feared him passing before me because he's much older. The thought of being without him hurts. But with prayer, I've been able to deal with it.
I love my parents and do not want to disappoint them. I've always done what they wanted, but I'm at a point where I don't want to end the relationship, and I don't think my parents will ever change their minds. I also feel I cannot live my life for them or for the Nigerian culture and what people back home would think or say. I feel torn. What do I do?
Answer: Thanks so much for sharing your story. As much as I agree that it's important to honor your parents, there also comes a time when you must stand alone and make your own decisions. At some point in time, you decided to date this man, knowing that his background would not be acceptable to your parents. As stated, you have lived in the US since you were 17. You have also wanted to separate yourself from your Nigerian culture and what people might think of you back home. Please know as much as I like to think I am all grown and do not need my parents to approve of what I do; I do need to respect them. When I was as young as you, I did something horrible. I not only dated a man who had been married (several times ), but I even moved in with him. I significantly hurt my parents and extended family. It was only through prayers that I got out of the situation and back to God. I am just thankful I never married him.
On the contrary, I realize your boyfriend loves the Lord, and you are not living together. I also have no problem he has been divorced. Divorce is not an unforgivable sin. What does raise a red flag is your struggle over your parents' opinion because some part of you knows it's wrong. Not wrong because you are sinning, but wrong because you always knew your parents would not accept this man's background. Is this man worth losing your parents blessing? Is this man worth a broken relationship with your parents? It is true that once you are married, you will become one. That your life will be with your husband, not your parents. But can you live with that?
Here are some ideas and some things to pray about. First, is there a way you and your boyfriend can go home to Nigeria so your parents can meet him and hear in his own words his love for you and God? If you can't fly home, perhaps you could Zoom. If you fell in love with him, despite his age and background, maybe your parents will too!
Another thought is that your father says God hates divorce. Yes, that is true. But God also hates a lot of other things. I think your father's concerns are normal. Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first. But again, with God leading and with God being the focus, your marriage can be successful. I know several people who were once divorced, remarried, and now serve as pastors. Perhaps your father needs to learn more about the circumstances of your boyfriend's divorce. Was he a Christian, then? How long has it been since he was divorced? Is the mother of his children still in their lives? Are you planning on having more children together, etc.? The more information your father has, the more he gets to know your boyfriend, the more likely he might change his mind. I encourage you both to read my study, Intentional Relationships for Singles. It's a great study to help you affirm your decision, learn more about yourselves and each other, and prepare you for your upcoming marriage.
If this is the man God has chosen for you and you have kept God as the center, if you have had some excellent counseling by your pastor and he is in agreement (maybe even have your pastor talk to your parents), then I think you will have to do what you feel God is leading you to do. You can't change people. If your parents would disown you, this tells me that their pride is more important than you are to them. Hopefully, they would see their error in time, and things could heal and be restored.
The bottom line is to do what God tells you to do. God is the only one you need to please.
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Is Hope Clouding My Vision?
Question: I'm not sure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years, and I am uncertain whether he is God's pick for me. He says he knows Christ, but his actions don't match. I am so stressed and in agony because I truly love him. But deep down inside, I think God has other plans for my life. There have been many red flags, from his constant pressure to have sex with him to his choice of work as a bartender. It's not that tending bar is such a big deal to me, but he often stays after work, gets drunk, and then calls me to come and get him. I don't know what to do. Should I let him go or confront him about his behavior that doesn't match his belief in Christ?
Answer: Thanks for your letter and your cry for help. I will cut to the chase because I am concerned for you. I, too, have been where you are, and all I can say is: run, girl, run. Yes, it is a "duh" moment because you know in your heart this guy is not suitable for you. Please know God is not going to bless sin, and God would not bring someone like this to you, in my opinion, to cause you to sin. I can tell you love him, but wouldn't you prefer to love someone who truly loves you in Christ?
I need to ask - do you know the Lord as your personal Savior? If you do, you should also know that God desires us to date/marry those with whom we are equally yoked. Those who are spiritually where we are not only in what we believe but in how we live our lives. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
I know you say your boyfriend says he is a believer, but you are also aware that his actions do not match his "belief." Remember, even the devil believes. Actions will follow your faith….faith follows trust in Christ. To me, your boyfriend does not sound saved. God's word in Luke 6:44 says that we will know others by their fruits. A man who loves God would not try to get you into bed. He would not be getting drunk. Please understand I am not saying as a Christian, you won't struggle in areas, especially if you are a new Christian. What I am saying is if he is telling you he is a follower of Christ, his actions need to show this. While you can confront and tell him this, and he could change, it might not do any good. So be prepared if things end.
Oh, and for the future, maybe I recommend you read and do my Bible study Intentional Relationship for Singles. It's a great study to help you know who you are in Christ before entering a dating relationship. It will also teach you about having an Intentional Friendship™ first. If you had had this friendship with your boyfriend first, you would have never dated him, protecting your heart and body. I will join you in prayer for your next step, and hopefully, he will be open to following the Lord with his whole heart without continuing to damage yours.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Answer: Thanks for your letter and your cry for help. I will cut to the chase because I am concerned for you. I, too, have been where you are, and all I can say is: run, girl, run. Yes, it is a "duh" moment because you know in your heart this guy is not suitable for you. Please know God is not going to bless sin, and God would not bring someone like this to you, in my opinion, to cause you to sin. I can tell you love him, but wouldn't you prefer to love someone who truly loves you in Christ?
I need to ask - do you know the Lord as your personal Savior? If you do, you should also know that God desires us to date/marry those with whom we are equally yoked. Those who are spiritually where we are not only in what we believe but in how we live our lives. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
I know you say your boyfriend says he is a believer, but you are also aware that his actions do not match his "belief." Remember, even the devil believes. Actions will follow your faith….faith follows trust in Christ. To me, your boyfriend does not sound saved. God's word in Luke 6:44 says that we will know others by their fruits. A man who loves God would not try to get you into bed. He would not be getting drunk. Please understand I am not saying as a Christian, you won't struggle in areas, especially if you are a new Christian. What I am saying is if he is telling you he is a follower of Christ, his actions need to show this. While you can confront and tell him this, and he could change, it might not do any good. So be prepared if things end.
Oh, and for the future, maybe I recommend you read and do my Bible study Intentional Relationship for Singles. It's a great study to help you know who you are in Christ before entering a dating relationship. It will also teach you about having an Intentional Friendship™ first. If you had had this friendship with your boyfriend first, you would have never dated him, protecting your heart and body. I will join you in prayer for your next step, and hopefully, he will be open to following the Lord with his whole heart without continuing to damage yours.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
I Can't Forgive Myself
Question: Even though I grew up in what I thought was a Christian home where we all went to church together, I didn't realize that my dad wasn't a true believer. He would end up having an affair, ending my parents' marriage of 20 years. From this point on, my life was out of control. I felt he cheated on me and my brother. I felt our whole lives had been a lie. I didn't want anything to do with God anymore. From then on, not only was my relationship with God non-existing, but all other relationships were terrible too. I would even repeat my father's pattern of cheating. I cheated on numerous boyfriends and even my future spouse, ending in divorce after one year. What is wrong with me? I feel like if I died today, I would go to hell. I have asked God to forgive me for my horrible choices, but I have difficulty forgiving myself. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to hurt anyone else.
Answer: First, let me say how much I appreciate your letter. It takes courage to share the things you are telling us. I, like you, was raised with Christian values only to have my parents’ divorce too - which led to many broken and dysfunctional romantic relationships. I would make many wrong choices leading to hurt and embarrassment. But then I found the Lord and learned of his forgiveness for my sins. I was able to repent of my mistakes and of my bad choices, knowing he would be able to heal and restore me. Second, I got some counseling. I knew I had never really dwelt with my dad cheating on my mom and how it affected me. I didn't realize I was chasing men who were much like my father and non-committal. I would try to hurt them before they could hurt me. In our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, Pastor Dan Houk and I address why our relationships fail. From family to work to romance. We talk about our identity, past, and the importance of being in church, around friends to help you walk with the Lord. I am not saying it's going to be easy to forgive yourself. The enemy loves to whisper and remind you of your past. This is when you remind him of his future, defeated in Jesus.
Jeremiah 17: 4 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.
While your actions are horrible, you are not horrible as a believer in Christ. You are a new creation, and you are beautiful. From personal experience, there are some things I have had a hard time letting go of. There are some things that I can't believe God would forgive me for. But please know, you are forgiven. He remembers them no more, and so should you.
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
Note: Forgiving ourselves is much more complicated than believing God would forgive us. We feel that if I don't forgive myself, I am taking on the punishment I deserve. But remember, that is what Christ did on the cross for you.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Answer: First, let me say how much I appreciate your letter. It takes courage to share the things you are telling us. I, like you, was raised with Christian values only to have my parents’ divorce too - which led to many broken and dysfunctional romantic relationships. I would make many wrong choices leading to hurt and embarrassment. But then I found the Lord and learned of his forgiveness for my sins. I was able to repent of my mistakes and of my bad choices, knowing he would be able to heal and restore me. Second, I got some counseling. I knew I had never really dwelt with my dad cheating on my mom and how it affected me. I didn't realize I was chasing men who were much like my father and non-committal. I would try to hurt them before they could hurt me. In our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, Pastor Dan Houk and I address why our relationships fail. From family to work to romance. We talk about our identity, past, and the importance of being in church, around friends to help you walk with the Lord. I am not saying it's going to be easy to forgive yourself. The enemy loves to whisper and remind you of your past. This is when you remind him of his future, defeated in Jesus.
Jeremiah 17: 4 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.
While your actions are horrible, you are not horrible as a believer in Christ. You are a new creation, and you are beautiful. From personal experience, there are some things I have had a hard time letting go of. There are some things that I can't believe God would forgive me for. But please know, you are forgiven. He remembers them no more, and so should you.
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
Note: Forgiving ourselves is much more complicated than believing God would forgive us. We feel that if I don't forgive myself, I am taking on the punishment I deserve. But remember, that is what Christ did on the cross for you.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
When the Dating Relationship Doesn't Work
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 11: by Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
No one enters a Christian dating relationship with the hopes it will fail. While some singles might date without marriage in mind (and shouldn't; they should just be friends or be intentional about dating for marriage), you are not dating so that they can eventually break your heart. Even friendship, work, and neighbor relationships are sought after with the hopes of getting along. However, just a glance at a reel off the internet, and you will see the catastrophic results when relationships fail. When that fun neighbor calls the cops on you because they believe you are 2 inches over their property line, your best friend is found flirting with your significant other, or when you find out your cubicle mate is secretly trying to get your job by making up lies about you.
So, what happens when your dating relationship doesn't work out, whether you are the one who broke up or they did? When you think your heart will be broken forever. You want to start crying when your favorite song comes on the radio. When family or friends don't know you broke up, asking you are both doing. Or worse, have you set the date? When your dreams of marriage and a family seem to be gone. How do you not only deal with the breakup but have hope for the future?
• If you believe it is best to end the relationship, do it wisely. This ensures that both of you are treated respectfully and provides the greatest opportunity to demonstrate Christlikeness and remain friends. One note of caution: you may be vulnerable now, so it is wise to take time to heal, learn from the breakup, and not jump quickly into another dating relationship.
Matthew 7: 12 "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
• Express yourself honestly if you are ending the relationship. The "why" is less important than the "what," although you may want to tell them why. That is up to you. And in reverse, you can ask "why" as well, especially to learn more about yourself.
2 Corinthians 8:21 For we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord's sight but also in the sight of man.
• Understand their feelings. They may want to tell you all the reasons you're wrong. That is normal. But if you feel God has led you to this point, stay firm in your decision.
Ephesians 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
• Allow them to be angry and hurt. Don't try to tell them they are wrong for feeling so. God cares about you and will comfort you as you transition from a dating relationship.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
• Be humble and compassionate.
Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
• There are times when it is extremely difficult to run into someone you were previously dating. While it can be hard to see them at church or out, it is essential to avoid all contact, if possible, until you have healed. It may take months, but if you have built a good friendship, an Intentional Friendship™, it is possible it can resume over time the way it was.
John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
• Leave, learn, and live. Learn from your relationship and move on. What would you do differently? Did you get ahead of God? Were there red or yellow flags while you were friends or dating? Did you have accountability for close friendships? What was their perspective? Did you have realistic expectations in the relationship? Did you get too close too soon, not allowing God to be at the center? Remember, until you say I do, you can say I don't. In time, things will get better, and you can start over.
Proverbs 18:15 An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
"If you can't fly, then run; if you can't run, then walk; if you can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward." — Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
So, what happens when your dating relationship doesn't work out, whether you are the one who broke up or they did? When you think your heart will be broken forever. You want to start crying when your favorite song comes on the radio. When family or friends don't know you broke up, asking you are both doing. Or worse, have you set the date? When your dreams of marriage and a family seem to be gone. How do you not only deal with the breakup but have hope for the future?
• If you believe it is best to end the relationship, do it wisely. This ensures that both of you are treated respectfully and provides the greatest opportunity to demonstrate Christlikeness and remain friends. One note of caution: you may be vulnerable now, so it is wise to take time to heal, learn from the breakup, and not jump quickly into another dating relationship.
Matthew 7: 12 "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
• Express yourself honestly if you are ending the relationship. The "why" is less important than the "what," although you may want to tell them why. That is up to you. And in reverse, you can ask "why" as well, especially to learn more about yourself.
2 Corinthians 8:21 For we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord's sight but also in the sight of man.
• Understand their feelings. They may want to tell you all the reasons you're wrong. That is normal. But if you feel God has led you to this point, stay firm in your decision.
Ephesians 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
• Allow them to be angry and hurt. Don't try to tell them they are wrong for feeling so. God cares about you and will comfort you as you transition from a dating relationship.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
• Be humble and compassionate.
Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
• There are times when it is extremely difficult to run into someone you were previously dating. While it can be hard to see them at church or out, it is essential to avoid all contact, if possible, until you have healed. It may take months, but if you have built a good friendship, an Intentional Friendship™, it is possible it can resume over time the way it was.
John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
• Leave, learn, and live. Learn from your relationship and move on. What would you do differently? Did you get ahead of God? Were there red or yellow flags while you were friends or dating? Did you have accountability for close friendships? What was their perspective? Did you have realistic expectations in the relationship? Did you get too close too soon, not allowing God to be at the center? Remember, until you say I do, you can say I don't. In time, things will get better, and you can start over.
Proverbs 18:15 An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
"If you can't fly, then run; if you can't run, then walk; if you can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward." — Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
He Says He Believe in God, Sort of
Question: I am a middle-aged, single lady who has never been married or in a serious relationship. While I occasionally meet Christian guys, I seem to be drawn to those who are not Christian, and I know this is wrong. Sometimes they tell me they believe in God, but when I ask them to go to church with me, they give me all kinds of excuses.
I met a guy at work a few years ago and instantly became friends. We often spent our lunch hours together, discussing everything under the sun. He is such a great guy but not a believer. Again, even though I know it is wrong, I have developed deep feelings for him. During our friendship, he has been in a serious relationship with many women. So, please help me.
Why do I keep falling for men who do not believe in Christ, aren't Christians, or say they believe, but there is no fruit or proof? Is there something wrong with my faith? My trust in God? And how do I get rid of my feelings for this guy? We are both happy working at the company and do not plan on changing jobs.
Answer: Thanks for sharing and your questions. Regarding this desire and attraction to "lost" men. What is attractive about them? Some qualities are simply appealing to anyone, no matter their spiritual status. They might be kind, gentle, funny, giving, etc. So being drawn to a man, lost or saved, is not bad. Let's explore why you might not be as attracted to Christian men as lost men.
Q: Are you consistently in church?
Q: Are you involved in tithing and serving?
Q: Are you a part of a healthy singles group, Sunday school, or small group where you would meet and be friends with Christian guys?
If my environment were made up solely of things that aren't good for me, I would eventually choose those things. For example, if you have cupcakes in the house and no salad, you will end up eating cupcakes. Some of this may simply be who you are spending your time with.
Another thought is that being attracted to "lost" guys could be a way of avoiding being involved with a Christian guy. If you date a Christian, you are held to a higher standard, as you should be growing in Christ. If you date a non-Christian, you become the "holy" one. How can any guy hold you accountable? Your measuring stick becomes him instead of Christ. You will always come out ahead if he is your measuring stick. But then you cease to grow. So, what I am thinking is happening here are some fears. Fears of dating a Christian guy that might lead to marriage... to revealing more about who you are, etc. Maybe it's time, to be honest with God about what you need to change to be more like Christ. Believe me, as you grow, you will desire less and less to be with someone not where you are spiritually. The thought of dating someone who does not share your heart for Christ, your hunger to know more, and your commitment to serving the Lord will go away. It's hard enough to make a relationship work when they do know Christ. If you date and eventually marry a lost person, your goals, purpose, and relationship with Christ will not be shared. Marriage is a triangle. As you both grow toward Christ, you both grow toward each other.
I pray that God reveals what you need to change, so you would desire to seek a mate with whom you are equally yoked. Not just because God's word says it but because you desire it.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37:3-6
Note: Being attracted to someone is a good thing. God created attraction. But he also gives us clear scripture and direction on who we should spend time with, date, and marry. For more information about building healthy intentional relationships, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
I met a guy at work a few years ago and instantly became friends. We often spent our lunch hours together, discussing everything under the sun. He is such a great guy but not a believer. Again, even though I know it is wrong, I have developed deep feelings for him. During our friendship, he has been in a serious relationship with many women. So, please help me.
Why do I keep falling for men who do not believe in Christ, aren't Christians, or say they believe, but there is no fruit or proof? Is there something wrong with my faith? My trust in God? And how do I get rid of my feelings for this guy? We are both happy working at the company and do not plan on changing jobs.
Answer: Thanks for sharing and your questions. Regarding this desire and attraction to "lost" men. What is attractive about them? Some qualities are simply appealing to anyone, no matter their spiritual status. They might be kind, gentle, funny, giving, etc. So being drawn to a man, lost or saved, is not bad. Let's explore why you might not be as attracted to Christian men as lost men.
Q: Are you consistently in church?
Q: Are you involved in tithing and serving?
Q: Are you a part of a healthy singles group, Sunday school, or small group where you would meet and be friends with Christian guys?
If my environment were made up solely of things that aren't good for me, I would eventually choose those things. For example, if you have cupcakes in the house and no salad, you will end up eating cupcakes. Some of this may simply be who you are spending your time with.
Another thought is that being attracted to "lost" guys could be a way of avoiding being involved with a Christian guy. If you date a Christian, you are held to a higher standard, as you should be growing in Christ. If you date a non-Christian, you become the "holy" one. How can any guy hold you accountable? Your measuring stick becomes him instead of Christ. You will always come out ahead if he is your measuring stick. But then you cease to grow. So, what I am thinking is happening here are some fears. Fears of dating a Christian guy that might lead to marriage... to revealing more about who you are, etc. Maybe it's time, to be honest with God about what you need to change to be more like Christ. Believe me, as you grow, you will desire less and less to be with someone not where you are spiritually. The thought of dating someone who does not share your heart for Christ, your hunger to know more, and your commitment to serving the Lord will go away. It's hard enough to make a relationship work when they do know Christ. If you date and eventually marry a lost person, your goals, purpose, and relationship with Christ will not be shared. Marriage is a triangle. As you both grow toward Christ, you both grow toward each other.
I pray that God reveals what you need to change, so you would desire to seek a mate with whom you are equally yoked. Not just because God's word says it but because you desire it.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37:3-6
Note: Being attracted to someone is a good thing. God created attraction. But he also gives us clear scripture and direction on who we should spend time with, date, and marry. For more information about building healthy intentional relationships, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Trusting God with My Finances
Question: For the last year, I have been paying off my debt using principles from Dave Ramsey's course Financial Peace. I can finally see the light at the end of a dark tunnel of college, car, and spending debt. Recently my church advertised a mission trip to a country I have always wanted to go. They emphasized the need for skilled nurses. I got super excited at the opportunity to go. I went to our church website and looked at the details. Immediately my joy went to sadness as the cost was outside my budget. So I need your advice. Do I stay on course with my financial plan and continue paying off my debt or trust God to provide what I need? I am feeling very torn. I don't want to put myself in a financial bind, but I don't want to disappoint my church and their need for nurses for this trip.
The goal is to get your finances in order; paying off your debt is always great. I applaud you for making this a priority in your life. The freedom of being out of debt is very rewarding, bringing much peace. Being debt free can also give you more flexibility to be used by God. Not only can you increase your tithe, but you can support missionaries, church, and ministry causes. You have the choice of helping others out. Plus, the stress of not having debt with helping your health.
Remember, the enemy loves to keep us in debt, enslaving us. This lack of freedom takes our focus off of God. The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender (Proverbs 22:7). Please know being a Christian and a part of a local church will always bring invitations to retreats, missionary trips, dinners, and fund-raisers, etc. And these are good things as long as we have the money to do them. After we tithe our 10%, we can then give an offering towards these other areas (or attend). An offering is out of the extra income we have. Right now, you do not have enough extra income due to your debt.
Please know that God would never have you go into more debt, even for a great cause like a mission trip, no matter who invites you. God would want you to pay off your debt first. God will honor and bless you as you are obedient in this step. He will give you the funds specifically designed for that mission trip or other event from another source in the future. How do I know this? I have experienced this first-hand in my own life. As I was a faithful steward of what God had given me, paying my debts and bills, I got to go on mission trips and vacations.
So how can you still help with the mission trip without going or going more into debt? Join their prayer team, offer suggestions on medical supplies, help raise funds from other sources to pay for those supplies, help to pack, etc.
You see, we can still minister, using our skills and our Spiritual gifts to help others. Don't let the enemy try and "guilt" you into going more into debt. Remember, he is the author of confusion. Blessings to you as you seek Christ first in all things, giving it all over to Him, one dollar at a time. Honor the Lord with your wealth and the first fruits of all your produce... (Proverbs 3:9)
Note: Getting debt free is a great goal that will help you in your relationship with God and others. It's a significant step towards building healthy friendships. It's also an essential step in having a successful future marriage. For more information about building healthy intentional relationships, order your copy today.
The goal is to get your finances in order; paying off your debt is always great. I applaud you for making this a priority in your life. The freedom of being out of debt is very rewarding, bringing much peace. Being debt free can also give you more flexibility to be used by God. Not only can you increase your tithe, but you can support missionaries, church, and ministry causes. You have the choice of helping others out. Plus, the stress of not having debt with helping your health.
Remember, the enemy loves to keep us in debt, enslaving us. This lack of freedom takes our focus off of God. The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender (Proverbs 22:7). Please know being a Christian and a part of a local church will always bring invitations to retreats, missionary trips, dinners, and fund-raisers, etc. And these are good things as long as we have the money to do them. After we tithe our 10%, we can then give an offering towards these other areas (or attend). An offering is out of the extra income we have. Right now, you do not have enough extra income due to your debt.
Please know that God would never have you go into more debt, even for a great cause like a mission trip, no matter who invites you. God would want you to pay off your debt first. God will honor and bless you as you are obedient in this step. He will give you the funds specifically designed for that mission trip or other event from another source in the future. How do I know this? I have experienced this first-hand in my own life. As I was a faithful steward of what God had given me, paying my debts and bills, I got to go on mission trips and vacations.
So how can you still help with the mission trip without going or going more into debt? Join their prayer team, offer suggestions on medical supplies, help raise funds from other sources to pay for those supplies, help to pack, etc.
You see, we can still minister, using our skills and our Spiritual gifts to help others. Don't let the enemy try and "guilt" you into going more into debt. Remember, he is the author of confusion. Blessings to you as you seek Christ first in all things, giving it all over to Him, one dollar at a time. Honor the Lord with your wealth and the first fruits of all your produce... (Proverbs 3:9)
Note: Getting debt free is a great goal that will help you in your relationship with God and others. It's a significant step towards building healthy friendships. It's also an essential step in having a successful future marriage. For more information about building healthy intentional relationships, order your copy today.
When Their Past Effects Your Present
Question: I am in a relationship with a Christian girl who wants to put God first and seek His will in our relationship. However, she has a very promiscuous and abusive past, leaving her with a permanent STD. I feel like I should end the relationship, but if she is genuinely repentant, I believe I should be able to get past this and love her for the person she has become. Her past grieves me. It has become such a burden to me. Should I enjoy my time with her and let God do His work in our lives, or reluctantly part ways and search for someone else?
What courage it takes to write and ask for help on this very sensitive subject. I appreciate your heart and your desire for counsel. You are right: because of the blood of Jesus Christ, she has been forgiven (just like you) of her past mistakes. Unfortunately, our sin produces consequences that can affect our lives today.
In every relationship, you will have things that come up that could be a deal breaker. We call these red and yellow flags. For example, will she be OK if you do not want kids? Will he join your church, your denomination? Does she get along with your family? Is he in debt up to their eyeballs? For more about flags, read Chapter 10 from our study “Intentional Relationships for Singles.” What you hope is that some of this is sorted out during the Intentional Friendship period prior to dating—reducing the emotional damage it could cause. However, even in the dating period, you should still be asking those hard questions, allowing you a prayerful option to exit the relationship.
Because none of us is guaranteed a perfect relationship or marriage, anything great today may not be great tomorrow. Because you have written that her past grieves you, I wonder, is it indeed about the STD and her former promiscuity? Ask yourself some questions: Are you grieving her past because she is grieving, and you don’t want her to hurt? Are you grieving her past because you are fearful of it? Afraid of what other STDs she could have that she might not know about or the possible emotional effects that could come down the road? Are you grieving her past because you are unsure how it will affect your future together? A future of having kids? A future of contacting the STD yourself?
Remember, you have every right to say this is more than you can handle. You do not have to risk getting this STD and living with its effects. But if you are falling in love with her, if she is who God has given you, then you have to love her like Christ loves you, imperfections and all. Do the research that you can on the disease. Learn of the precautions that are available to prevent further infection. Let her know what you are feeling and your fears. Be honest. Trust the Lord for His protection and the next steps.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
What courage it takes to write and ask for help on this very sensitive subject. I appreciate your heart and your desire for counsel. You are right: because of the blood of Jesus Christ, she has been forgiven (just like you) of her past mistakes. Unfortunately, our sin produces consequences that can affect our lives today.
In every relationship, you will have things that come up that could be a deal breaker. We call these red and yellow flags. For example, will she be OK if you do not want kids? Will he join your church, your denomination? Does she get along with your family? Is he in debt up to their eyeballs? For more about flags, read Chapter 10 from our study “Intentional Relationships for Singles.” What you hope is that some of this is sorted out during the Intentional Friendship period prior to dating—reducing the emotional damage it could cause. However, even in the dating period, you should still be asking those hard questions, allowing you a prayerful option to exit the relationship.
Because none of us is guaranteed a perfect relationship or marriage, anything great today may not be great tomorrow. Because you have written that her past grieves you, I wonder, is it indeed about the STD and her former promiscuity? Ask yourself some questions: Are you grieving her past because she is grieving, and you don’t want her to hurt? Are you grieving her past because you are fearful of it? Afraid of what other STDs she could have that she might not know about or the possible emotional effects that could come down the road? Are you grieving her past because you are unsure how it will affect your future together? A future of having kids? A future of contacting the STD yourself?
Remember, you have every right to say this is more than you can handle. You do not have to risk getting this STD and living with its effects. But if you are falling in love with her, if she is who God has given you, then you have to love her like Christ loves you, imperfections and all. Do the research that you can on the disease. Learn of the precautions that are available to prevent further infection. Let her know what you are feeling and your fears. Be honest. Trust the Lord for His protection and the next steps.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
What Does It Mean When Rejection Is Unclear?
Question: I am a 35 Christian man, and I think I have just been put into the 'friend-zoned' after asking for a second date. I recently went on a coffee date with a woman from my church. I texted her later and asked her out to dinner. Instead of saying yes, she invited me to a group lunch with her friends. This sounded like a gentle rejection, but she assured me that this would be fun and we could spend some time together. I was encouraged as I thought maybe she did want to date me.
I went to the group lunch, and I got to meet a lot of new folks. However, I didn't get to spend much time with her. I, again, felt she was rejecting me. I think she is fantastic (from what I know about her), and I want to date her. Is she rejecting me, or am I looking at this wrong? Should I ask her for a date again?
Yes, while it could be a possible gentle rejection, it could be that she doesn't know you well enough to have a more serious date. We encourage everyone to have a season of friendship first, intentional friendship. This is a time between basic friendship (I see you at church or my small group, school, neighborhood, the gym, etc.) and dating. It's a time when you agree to spend together by phone and meals, but you are not dating. It's time you can ask each other more questions to decide if you do want to date. It's also a great time to do group gatherings so that your friends meet you and they can observe you in other environments.
A few questions: Were you friends with her before asking her for coffee, and for how long? Do you have some of the same friends? You said you go to the same church. Are you in the same Sunday school or a small group? Have you served with her or gone on a mission trip? Do you know enough about her to date? What is her dating history? What does she believe spiritually? Does she want to be married one day? How does she handle stress? How much debt does she have? I think you might be getting the idea. Christian dating should be because you believe this person has the potential to one day be your spouse. It doesn’t mean your dating will lead to marriage, but at the same time, you are not dating to just date. Knowing if this person could be the "one" cannot be known after one coffee date. You need a lot more time as friends first. A lot more time to ask the harder questions. This way, your heart is guarded.
So, here are 7 steps that can help you in your journey:
Step 1: Pray and be sure God wants you to get to know her better. If God says yes, you are ready for Step 2.
Step 2: Talk to her, let her know how you feel and be open about how she might respond. Tell her you enjoyed your coffee date and would like to get to know her better. While the group lunch was fun, you didn't learn more about her. If she says, " I am not interested in going on a second date with you, " or she seems uncomfortable talking more about it, you know the truth and can move on. If she responds, “I'm sorry, I invited you to the group lunch so you could meet some of my friends, and vice versa. I had hoped we could have spent more time talking and getting to know each other. How about we have another coffee date.” Then you are ready for the next step.
Step 3: Give her a call and set up a 2nd coffee date. If she seems interested (has eye contact, leans in as she talks, asked you questions, too), then you know the feelings are mutual. You are ready for the next step.
Step 4: Have another group date. Ask if her group is doing anything that you can attend. Invite her to a group gathering you set up. This keeps things on the friendship level, allowing you to learn more about each other. If things go well, then you are ready for the next step.
Step 5: Starting an Intentional Friendship. Share with her about the concept and see what she thinks. In our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, we have over 650 questions you can ask someone. We also have a companion book, which can be purchased separately from our main study, "Intentional Friendship." Being more intentional with spending time with her and asking deeper questions will take time; however, in the end, it's the best investment you can make in your potential relationship. If you make it this far, the next step will help you know where things stand.
Step 6: Watch out for red, yellow, and green flags. As you continue to talk in person and on the phone, text, ask more questions, and listen to God, pay attention to the types of answers that will indicate your next step. It could be to stop or slow things down, ask for more information, or continue forward. If God says to go forward, you are ready for the next step of dating. If not, you can part and stay friends. For more on intentional dating, see Chapter 11 of our study.
Jeremiah 10:23 Lord, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
I went to the group lunch, and I got to meet a lot of new folks. However, I didn't get to spend much time with her. I, again, felt she was rejecting me. I think she is fantastic (from what I know about her), and I want to date her. Is she rejecting me, or am I looking at this wrong? Should I ask her for a date again?
Yes, while it could be a possible gentle rejection, it could be that she doesn't know you well enough to have a more serious date. We encourage everyone to have a season of friendship first, intentional friendship. This is a time between basic friendship (I see you at church or my small group, school, neighborhood, the gym, etc.) and dating. It's a time when you agree to spend together by phone and meals, but you are not dating. It's time you can ask each other more questions to decide if you do want to date. It's also a great time to do group gatherings so that your friends meet you and they can observe you in other environments.
A few questions: Were you friends with her before asking her for coffee, and for how long? Do you have some of the same friends? You said you go to the same church. Are you in the same Sunday school or a small group? Have you served with her or gone on a mission trip? Do you know enough about her to date? What is her dating history? What does she believe spiritually? Does she want to be married one day? How does she handle stress? How much debt does she have? I think you might be getting the idea. Christian dating should be because you believe this person has the potential to one day be your spouse. It doesn’t mean your dating will lead to marriage, but at the same time, you are not dating to just date. Knowing if this person could be the "one" cannot be known after one coffee date. You need a lot more time as friends first. A lot more time to ask the harder questions. This way, your heart is guarded.
So, here are 7 steps that can help you in your journey:
Step 1: Pray and be sure God wants you to get to know her better. If God says yes, you are ready for Step 2.
Step 2: Talk to her, let her know how you feel and be open about how she might respond. Tell her you enjoyed your coffee date and would like to get to know her better. While the group lunch was fun, you didn't learn more about her. If she says, " I am not interested in going on a second date with you, " or she seems uncomfortable talking more about it, you know the truth and can move on. If she responds, “I'm sorry, I invited you to the group lunch so you could meet some of my friends, and vice versa. I had hoped we could have spent more time talking and getting to know each other. How about we have another coffee date.” Then you are ready for the next step.
Step 3: Give her a call and set up a 2nd coffee date. If she seems interested (has eye contact, leans in as she talks, asked you questions, too), then you know the feelings are mutual. You are ready for the next step.
Step 4: Have another group date. Ask if her group is doing anything that you can attend. Invite her to a group gathering you set up. This keeps things on the friendship level, allowing you to learn more about each other. If things go well, then you are ready for the next step.
Step 5: Starting an Intentional Friendship. Share with her about the concept and see what she thinks. In our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, we have over 650 questions you can ask someone. We also have a companion book, which can be purchased separately from our main study, "Intentional Friendship." Being more intentional with spending time with her and asking deeper questions will take time; however, in the end, it's the best investment you can make in your potential relationship. If you make it this far, the next step will help you know where things stand.
Step 6: Watch out for red, yellow, and green flags. As you continue to talk in person and on the phone, text, ask more questions, and listen to God, pay attention to the types of answers that will indicate your next step. It could be to stop or slow things down, ask for more information, or continue forward. If God says to go forward, you are ready for the next step of dating. If not, you can part and stay friends. For more on intentional dating, see Chapter 11 of our study.
Jeremiah 10:23 Lord, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Can Doctrinal Differences Make You Unequally Yoked?
Question: A friend told me that having doctrinal differences in a relationship means we are "unequally yoked." Is that true? Can doctrinal differences be a red flag?
It all depends on what those doctrinal differences are. Let's assume that you are both Christians, saved and following the Lord daily. You are both going to church, reading your Bible, studying, serving, and so forth. So, it appears you are equally yoked. But after dating for a while, you realize that you have some differences in what you believe spiritually.
Maybe you found out they believe it's essential to be submerged when baptized, while you think it's ok to be sprinkled. As a result, you want them to be submerged to know they are really saved.
Maybe you believe women should not be in leadership in the church and should only be wives and mothers. As a result, you find yourself in heated discussions of women's roles with nothing resolved.
Maybe you believe salvation is when you are a baby and are baptized and not when you can understand and verbally accept Christ as your Saviour. As a result, you find yourself divided and heading in different directions.
Maybe you believe certain gifts of the Spirit are not used today. As a result, your personal growth in Christ is affected, leaving one of you behind.
So, does this mean you are not equally yoked?
Here's the thing: I believe as long as the doctrinal differences do not affect my eternal salvation, I am OK. I believe you can only get to God through Jesus and his death on the cross by acknowledging that you need Christ to save you (as someone of age to make this decision). That once saved, always saved; otherwise, Jesus would need to die on the cross over and over. But whether you sprinkle or dunk, wear a dress or pants to church, read the King James Bible only, dance and move around in church or sit still are no factors to me.
But please know, this is why you spend time with people first as friends and then building an "Intentional Friendship" (Chapters 9-10 of the Intentional Relationship for Singles Bible Study). When you are friends first, you can ask those questions and many more about their beliefs. Not only in what you believe spiritually but also in money, goals, raising kids, work, hobbies, and more. And you can also go to God in prayer about those differences. Will those differences divide you or unify you? Although some of our doctrinal beliefs may not be a big deal to some, they are huge to others because they will affect your entire life. The person you date, the person you marry, needs to be in alignment so that you have spiritual unity with each other and also in how you would raise your kids, grow your marriage, and lead others around you.
Note: Unequally yoked in a spiritual sense means a believer and an unbeliever. But there are plenty of issues that can be irreconcilable and make a couple incompatible.
2 Corinthians 6:14-18 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
It all depends on what those doctrinal differences are. Let's assume that you are both Christians, saved and following the Lord daily. You are both going to church, reading your Bible, studying, serving, and so forth. So, it appears you are equally yoked. But after dating for a while, you realize that you have some differences in what you believe spiritually.
Maybe you found out they believe it's essential to be submerged when baptized, while you think it's ok to be sprinkled. As a result, you want them to be submerged to know they are really saved.
Maybe you believe women should not be in leadership in the church and should only be wives and mothers. As a result, you find yourself in heated discussions of women's roles with nothing resolved.
Maybe you believe salvation is when you are a baby and are baptized and not when you can understand and verbally accept Christ as your Saviour. As a result, you find yourself divided and heading in different directions.
Maybe you believe certain gifts of the Spirit are not used today. As a result, your personal growth in Christ is affected, leaving one of you behind.
So, does this mean you are not equally yoked?
Here's the thing: I believe as long as the doctrinal differences do not affect my eternal salvation, I am OK. I believe you can only get to God through Jesus and his death on the cross by acknowledging that you need Christ to save you (as someone of age to make this decision). That once saved, always saved; otherwise, Jesus would need to die on the cross over and over. But whether you sprinkle or dunk, wear a dress or pants to church, read the King James Bible only, dance and move around in church or sit still are no factors to me.
But please know, this is why you spend time with people first as friends and then building an "Intentional Friendship" (Chapters 9-10 of the Intentional Relationship for Singles Bible Study). When you are friends first, you can ask those questions and many more about their beliefs. Not only in what you believe spiritually but also in money, goals, raising kids, work, hobbies, and more. And you can also go to God in prayer about those differences. Will those differences divide you or unify you? Although some of our doctrinal beliefs may not be a big deal to some, they are huge to others because they will affect your entire life. The person you date, the person you marry, needs to be in alignment so that you have spiritual unity with each other and also in how you would raise your kids, grow your marriage, and lead others around you.
Note: Unequally yoked in a spiritual sense means a believer and an unbeliever. But there are plenty of issues that can be irreconcilable and make a couple incompatible.
2 Corinthians 6:14-18 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Is Kissing Before Marriage a Sin?
Question: A friend of mine was recently scolded by his girlfriend (they are both in their 30s) for asking if he could kiss her. They have seen each other very seriously for a while, and he has wanted some indication of her affection for him. But when he asked to kiss her, his dedication to God was questioned, and the young woman made him feel like slime. Is this a generational thing I've missed out on? Is kissing before marriage a sin?
Wow, my first thought is how great this is! I wish I were a kiss virgin. I wish I had saved all my kisses for the "one," but I haven't. Bummer!
Then I thought, really? Are they Amish? Are they some type of denomination that frowns upon kissing? Indeed if this guy had been seeing her for some time, the subject would have come up. My friends and I talk about it from time to time. I have shared how I would like to save my next kiss for the altar. However, I am not sure if I can. I just don't know if my hormones would last that long. Well, I guess I could get married after my first date... but that brings up many other issues.
My friends, the ones closest to me, know I will not have sex or anything that even looks close to it before I marry. They know how important it is to me to save myself for my future husband. If my friends know this about me, I wonder how this woman's boyfriend was surprised to find she wanted to wait to kiss her!
Everyone is different regarding kissing before marriage. More than likely, if the person has been raised to only date those that are possible marriage material, then kissing is something you would want only for the "one." It's one thing to peck someone’s lips, but to French kiss can take you to a new level of intimacy. The intimacy often leads to other things.
Recently I attended one of my best friends’ weddings. This was her second marriage; she had been divorced for more than 15 years. This was his first marriage. Both of them are in their late forties. Early in their friendship, before they started dating, she told him that she didn’t want to kiss him till their wedding day. At first, he was like, what? Seriously? She shared with him that in her past, all of her kissing led to other things. For the first time, as a believer in Christ, she wanted to protect her body, her mind, and her walk with God. She knew if they truly loved each other in Christ, that waiting to kiss on their wedding day would make things memorable and allow them to have intimacy on their honeymoon that few couples today would have. Well, did they make it? I was there when I heard you can now kiss your wife. I thought I was going to need to stopwatch. It went on and on and on. Lol.
So don't worry, not everyone feels this way. It is something you can find out about a person while you are friends. This is why Pastor Dan Houk and I, who write Intentional Relationships, encourage being an “intentional friend” first. This is that period where you are more than friends, but not dating. A time when you can ask all those questions way before your emotions get involved and before you get hurt. This period can save you from assuming things about the other person.
Now, as far as how she treated him, that tells me of her immaturity. I mean, he asked her because he does respect her. Her reaction is way overblown, and perhaps she is not ready to be married, to begin with.
Psalm 139:23-24Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Wow, my first thought is how great this is! I wish I were a kiss virgin. I wish I had saved all my kisses for the "one," but I haven't. Bummer!
Then I thought, really? Are they Amish? Are they some type of denomination that frowns upon kissing? Indeed if this guy had been seeing her for some time, the subject would have come up. My friends and I talk about it from time to time. I have shared how I would like to save my next kiss for the altar. However, I am not sure if I can. I just don't know if my hormones would last that long. Well, I guess I could get married after my first date... but that brings up many other issues.
My friends, the ones closest to me, know I will not have sex or anything that even looks close to it before I marry. They know how important it is to me to save myself for my future husband. If my friends know this about me, I wonder how this woman's boyfriend was surprised to find she wanted to wait to kiss her!
Everyone is different regarding kissing before marriage. More than likely, if the person has been raised to only date those that are possible marriage material, then kissing is something you would want only for the "one." It's one thing to peck someone’s lips, but to French kiss can take you to a new level of intimacy. The intimacy often leads to other things.
Recently I attended one of my best friends’ weddings. This was her second marriage; she had been divorced for more than 15 years. This was his first marriage. Both of them are in their late forties. Early in their friendship, before they started dating, she told him that she didn’t want to kiss him till their wedding day. At first, he was like, what? Seriously? She shared with him that in her past, all of her kissing led to other things. For the first time, as a believer in Christ, she wanted to protect her body, her mind, and her walk with God. She knew if they truly loved each other in Christ, that waiting to kiss on their wedding day would make things memorable and allow them to have intimacy on their honeymoon that few couples today would have. Well, did they make it? I was there when I heard you can now kiss your wife. I thought I was going to need to stopwatch. It went on and on and on. Lol.
So don't worry, not everyone feels this way. It is something you can find out about a person while you are friends. This is why Pastor Dan Houk and I, who write Intentional Relationships, encourage being an “intentional friend” first. This is that period where you are more than friends, but not dating. A time when you can ask all those questions way before your emotions get involved and before you get hurt. This period can save you from assuming things about the other person.
Now, as far as how she treated him, that tells me of her immaturity. I mean, he asked her because he does respect her. Her reaction is way overblown, and perhaps she is not ready to be married, to begin with.
Psalm 139:23-24Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Pocketing
Question: I have been dating a wonderful lady for several months. We have told each other "I love you" and even talked about marriage. However, there are times I feel very distant from her. For example, I still have not met some of her friends. She talks about them, but for whatever reason, it never seems to be the right time for me to meet all of them. Also, she has met my parents on several occasions, but when I suggest we take a weekend to see her parents, they seem to always be out of town. Lastly, while she takes many pictures of us together, I have never seen them posted on her social media accounts. She keeps telling me that our photos are private and doesn't want the world to know everything about our lives. However, she posted other pictures of her friends and past dating relationships. So, what does this mean?
There is a new term out there called "Pocketing," which means someone keeps you/your relationship in their "pocket." While that might seem nice, who doesn’t want to be in a warm and soft place? It is not. Pocketing means that someone keeps you from fully seeing or experiencing them for whatever reasons.
It could be they:
On a more positive note, there could be a logical answer, such as their family is toxic. Maybe they do want to keep your relationship more private. Perhaps in the past, they put too much on social media, and it causes problems in the relationship. But bottom line, all this is screaming the need for a DTR: Determine the Relationship*. You need time to sit down and address these concerns. Be sure you agree on where you are and where you are going. If they aren’t willing to take you to meet their parents, it could be because they are not ready to date. Remember, there is no dating in the Bible, only courtship for marriage. So the more you know where you are and your expectations, the healthier your relationship and possible future marriage will be.
*DTR and more on dating are found in Chapter 11 of our new study. Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement. Interested in leading a study, click here!
There is a new term out there called "Pocketing," which means someone keeps you/your relationship in their "pocket." While that might seem nice, who doesn’t want to be in a warm and soft place? It is not. Pocketing means that someone keeps you from fully seeing or experiencing them for whatever reasons.
It could be they:
- Are embarrassed to date you and don't want their friends to know
- Do not feel you are good enough to take home to momma
- Like getting their needs met only; it's about them
- Know dating you is wrong. For example, you aren't a Christian, and they know God would be against dating someone who isn’t a believer and a follower of Christ.
2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? - They know their parents or friends wouldn't approve because of your nationality or skin color. While it’s not a sin to date someone of a different race or ethnicity, you know it would cause issues, so don’t let your friends or family know.
- Have something to hide such as being in prison, already in another relationship or married, and living a double life.
Luke 16:10 “One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.
On a more positive note, there could be a logical answer, such as their family is toxic. Maybe they do want to keep your relationship more private. Perhaps in the past, they put too much on social media, and it causes problems in the relationship. But bottom line, all this is screaming the need for a DTR: Determine the Relationship*. You need time to sit down and address these concerns. Be sure you agree on where you are and where you are going. If they aren’t willing to take you to meet their parents, it could be because they are not ready to date. Remember, there is no dating in the Bible, only courtship for marriage. So the more you know where you are and your expectations, the healthier your relationship and possible future marriage will be.
*DTR and more on dating are found in Chapter 11 of our new study. Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement. Interested in leading a study, click here!
Online Dating
Question: I am 59, a widow of 5 years, married for 23. A few weeks ago, I signed up on a Christian online dating site in hopes of starting to date again and getting married one day. I have had a few men locally interested, but they weren't suitable for me. I am not feeling comfortable with what I am doing. I am having a hard time discerning what a red flag might be. I think my lack of experience has gotten my focus off the real issues, but what is the real issue other than a man who loves Jesus with all his heart. For instance, I have one interested gentleman who seems too focused on what he calls "chemistry." I am confused, to say the least. And what about talking to several men at once. Does that make me deceitful? I feel like I'm cheating. Maybe I was supposed only to get to know one man at a time, make a decision and move on to the next? Please help!
Thanks for your honesty, including fears and apprehensions regarding online dating. Many feel the same. Please know that we can meet someone special anywhere and at any time. It's never where we meet someone but our motives behind meeting them. While I see you have pure motives for wanting to date a Christian guy in the hopes of getting married again, you are correct in your concerns with the process.
Online dating sites can be difficult. If you've done it, then you already know. There are horror stories of creeps, weirdos, and people who lie about their age, body description, or what they do for a living. Then some say they are Christian, but their belief stops at their bio. There are also the no-shows, no-responses, ghosters, or those desperate to marry you after a five-minute phone call. We can't forget those who cry on the first date, gush about their thirty cats, or tell you everything they have ever done. Should we go on?
On a more positive note, online dating has come a long way and appears to work for many. And there are some circumstances where it might be the only option, especially when you don't live in a major city with large churches and Christian singles ministries. So, if you want to date online, we suggest you first build an Intentional Friendship™, where you take the extra time to build a deep friendship before you get romantically involved. Be sure to get a copy of our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, to read more, including 650 questions to help you get to know someone better.
• Do your homework on these dating sites. Anyone can say they are Christian. Take the extra time to pray and be sure this is what God is telling you to do. Make sure when they state they are "Christian," they are one in the spiritual sense and not just some cultural definition. You will want to be equally yoked. We talk more about this in Chapter 11.
• Present yourself truthfully. Write the truth in your bio and use current pictures of yourself. It's OK to put your best foot forward, but using the social media filters should not make you look like someone else. Don't you want people you are meeting, to be honest with you? Trust God for the right connection.
• Be aware of spammers and those trying to get money from you. People will say anything when you appear needy. They will say or text all the right things you want to hear and begin asking more and more of you. They are usually characterized by drama and stories of heartbreak only you can rescue them from.
• Have an online coaching team. These people you trust and bring into your dating life to give you their opinions and watch out for you. Our judgment can be off when we have that "in love" feeling. Our friends are not affected similarly and can be much more objective. However, this requires total transparency. When we are not honest with others, we will not get helpful feedback from them.
• Check and see if there is some kind of identity verification. We live in a world where married people and deceptive people are on dating sites. It's good to do your Google searches, view their social media pages, and do background checks to help you better understand before starting that friendship.
• Go slow to build trust and a foundation. Remember, even though you are using a dating site, the goal is to build an Intentional Friendship first. You are the one in charge of how fast you go. If this is going to be the person you may want to spend the rest of your life with, you will not regret taking the time to get to know them.
• Start with text or phone. Put in some boundaries. Don't text or phone daily, but try to get as much information as possible before meeting them. Go ahead and ask some questions, starting on page 155 of our study, before you meet in person. You might even suggest they read this chapter with you, asking you the questions too. You can decide what questions are important to you before you meet.
Note: We have a new stand-alone book on "Intentional Friendship," including the 650 questions.
• Meet in a public place. It's best to drive yourself to the public place you are meeting. This may be called "online dating" by our culture, but for a Christian, it should be about building a friendship first with no dating in mind. If you go to the most expensive restaurant in town, you may be communicating something about the seriousness of your friendship. Linen tablecloths, candlelight, and roses do not communicate "Let's be friends first."
• Consider bringing a friend along or doing a group activity with them. This is a personal choice, but involving others when you first meet someone is not a bad idea. You might even have your first meeting at church or an event with friends. It's important to involve those we trust for accountability and support.
• Ladies, ensure someone knows where you are and whom you are meeting. It's sad that you would need to do this, but there are situations where women's security has been compromised by men who were not safe. Have a plan to call someone during your time together. You might even have a code word you can tell your friend in case you feel there is a security issue.
• Connect with those who are local whenever possible. It helps you see their life in person, rather than having it communicated to you over the phone, text, or video chat. You can visit their church, come along on group activities, see them at work, meet their friends and family, and find out about them through their life. If they are not local, be sure you have taken plenty of time to get to know them and have started an Intentional Friendship. When and if you have to travel to see them, stay at a hotel.
Note: If the thought of telling someone how you met bothers you, then perhaps that is God telling you the way you're connecting is not right for you.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
To learn more about Intentional Friendship™ and dating, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible study.
Thanks for your honesty, including fears and apprehensions regarding online dating. Many feel the same. Please know that we can meet someone special anywhere and at any time. It's never where we meet someone but our motives behind meeting them. While I see you have pure motives for wanting to date a Christian guy in the hopes of getting married again, you are correct in your concerns with the process.
Online dating sites can be difficult. If you've done it, then you already know. There are horror stories of creeps, weirdos, and people who lie about their age, body description, or what they do for a living. Then some say they are Christian, but their belief stops at their bio. There are also the no-shows, no-responses, ghosters, or those desperate to marry you after a five-minute phone call. We can't forget those who cry on the first date, gush about their thirty cats, or tell you everything they have ever done. Should we go on?
On a more positive note, online dating has come a long way and appears to work for many. And there are some circumstances where it might be the only option, especially when you don't live in a major city with large churches and Christian singles ministries. So, if you want to date online, we suggest you first build an Intentional Friendship™, where you take the extra time to build a deep friendship before you get romantically involved. Be sure to get a copy of our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, to read more, including 650 questions to help you get to know someone better.
• Do your homework on these dating sites. Anyone can say they are Christian. Take the extra time to pray and be sure this is what God is telling you to do. Make sure when they state they are "Christian," they are one in the spiritual sense and not just some cultural definition. You will want to be equally yoked. We talk more about this in Chapter 11.
• Present yourself truthfully. Write the truth in your bio and use current pictures of yourself. It's OK to put your best foot forward, but using the social media filters should not make you look like someone else. Don't you want people you are meeting, to be honest with you? Trust God for the right connection.
• Be aware of spammers and those trying to get money from you. People will say anything when you appear needy. They will say or text all the right things you want to hear and begin asking more and more of you. They are usually characterized by drama and stories of heartbreak only you can rescue them from.
• Have an online coaching team. These people you trust and bring into your dating life to give you their opinions and watch out for you. Our judgment can be off when we have that "in love" feeling. Our friends are not affected similarly and can be much more objective. However, this requires total transparency. When we are not honest with others, we will not get helpful feedback from them.
• Check and see if there is some kind of identity verification. We live in a world where married people and deceptive people are on dating sites. It's good to do your Google searches, view their social media pages, and do background checks to help you better understand before starting that friendship.
• Go slow to build trust and a foundation. Remember, even though you are using a dating site, the goal is to build an Intentional Friendship first. You are the one in charge of how fast you go. If this is going to be the person you may want to spend the rest of your life with, you will not regret taking the time to get to know them.
• Start with text or phone. Put in some boundaries. Don't text or phone daily, but try to get as much information as possible before meeting them. Go ahead and ask some questions, starting on page 155 of our study, before you meet in person. You might even suggest they read this chapter with you, asking you the questions too. You can decide what questions are important to you before you meet.
Note: We have a new stand-alone book on "Intentional Friendship," including the 650 questions.
• Meet in a public place. It's best to drive yourself to the public place you are meeting. This may be called "online dating" by our culture, but for a Christian, it should be about building a friendship first with no dating in mind. If you go to the most expensive restaurant in town, you may be communicating something about the seriousness of your friendship. Linen tablecloths, candlelight, and roses do not communicate "Let's be friends first."
• Consider bringing a friend along or doing a group activity with them. This is a personal choice, but involving others when you first meet someone is not a bad idea. You might even have your first meeting at church or an event with friends. It's important to involve those we trust for accountability and support.
• Ladies, ensure someone knows where you are and whom you are meeting. It's sad that you would need to do this, but there are situations where women's security has been compromised by men who were not safe. Have a plan to call someone during your time together. You might even have a code word you can tell your friend in case you feel there is a security issue.
• Connect with those who are local whenever possible. It helps you see their life in person, rather than having it communicated to you over the phone, text, or video chat. You can visit their church, come along on group activities, see them at work, meet their friends and family, and find out about them through their life. If they are not local, be sure you have taken plenty of time to get to know them and have started an Intentional Friendship. When and if you have to travel to see them, stay at a hotel.
Note: If the thought of telling someone how you met bothers you, then perhaps that is God telling you the way you're connecting is not right for you.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
To learn more about Intentional Friendship™ and dating, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible study.
Handling Flirtation
Question: At my church, there's this guy that I like. It's been two years now, and I really don't know what to do. Everyone around us says that he treats me differently than all the other girls, and it seems that way to me as well. I know that he knows that I like him, and he has for quite a while. I've never spoken to him about it personally, but I have had friends that have bluntly asked him whether he likes me or not. His answer is always the same "I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now." While I completely understand this, as I don't feel like I'm at a point where I need to be dating either, I'm still very confused. I've been in that situation myself, and I just kindly told the person that I didn't like them so I wouldn't be leading them on. I feel like if he had no intentions of ever dating me, he would do the same so I wouldn't have to keep going on and on like this. I don't know what to do with my feelings. He continuously flirts with me; I don't know if he sees me like a little sister or what. I just need some advice on what I should do because I also spend quite a few days a week hanging out with him and some other friends, and it's starting to be too much for me to handle.
Thanks for your openness about this situation. The bottom line is that you need to confront him. It sounds like you are on the edge of a “friendationship.” Somewhere between a friendship and a relationship. It sounds like he is attracted to you by his actions but continues not to be responsible for them. It’s not fair or Christ-like to flirt with someone without being honest about your feelings. Remember, the Lord will go with you as you do this.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Can you be attracted to someone and know you aren’t ready to date them? Sure! But you still need to be mature and responsible for how you come across. I understand how you feel as I have been there in my own life. It’s tormenting. I have had friends say things like, “you are so good together,” “he looks at you and stares,” or “you make a great couple.” I agreed with their statements, but unfortunately, when I did approach my man, he said he didn’t feel the same. So what was my next step?
Because he was unwilling to set the boundaries, I had to do it to guard my heart. I asked him to stop flirting with me. While I loved the attention, it was misleading and hurtful. I did let him know I had feelings for him but would keep my boundaries, as it was not healthy on either end. So while no dating relationship developed between us, the truthful conversation we had helped us grow up.
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:6
Try to get that alone time to share what you think and feel. Make sure he knows his behavior is misleading not only by what you are experiencing but also by others. If he does say he has feelings for you but is not ready to date, then talk about what that means and how to proceed. Perhaps spending some one-on-one time to start would help you decide the next step. Just because you date doesn’t mean you are getting married. It can simply be a place to see what God has in store as you both trust in Him. Another option is to go into an Intentional Friendship™, where you aren’t quite dating yet, but you are spending consistent time together to figure that out. You give each other permission to ask that hard questions, allowing God to provide you with the next step. So if you do decide you are not going to date, you are clear on where you are and your expectations.
“Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” Proverbs 4:26
To learn more about “friendationship,” Intentional Friendship™, and dating, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible study.
Thanks for your openness about this situation. The bottom line is that you need to confront him. It sounds like you are on the edge of a “friendationship.” Somewhere between a friendship and a relationship. It sounds like he is attracted to you by his actions but continues not to be responsible for them. It’s not fair or Christ-like to flirt with someone without being honest about your feelings. Remember, the Lord will go with you as you do this.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Can you be attracted to someone and know you aren’t ready to date them? Sure! But you still need to be mature and responsible for how you come across. I understand how you feel as I have been there in my own life. It’s tormenting. I have had friends say things like, “you are so good together,” “he looks at you and stares,” or “you make a great couple.” I agreed with their statements, but unfortunately, when I did approach my man, he said he didn’t feel the same. So what was my next step?
Because he was unwilling to set the boundaries, I had to do it to guard my heart. I asked him to stop flirting with me. While I loved the attention, it was misleading and hurtful. I did let him know I had feelings for him but would keep my boundaries, as it was not healthy on either end. So while no dating relationship developed between us, the truthful conversation we had helped us grow up.
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:6
Try to get that alone time to share what you think and feel. Make sure he knows his behavior is misleading not only by what you are experiencing but also by others. If he does say he has feelings for you but is not ready to date, then talk about what that means and how to proceed. Perhaps spending some one-on-one time to start would help you decide the next step. Just because you date doesn’t mean you are getting married. It can simply be a place to see what God has in store as you both trust in Him. Another option is to go into an Intentional Friendship™, where you aren’t quite dating yet, but you are spending consistent time together to figure that out. You give each other permission to ask that hard questions, allowing God to provide you with the next step. So if you do decide you are not going to date, you are clear on where you are and your expectations.
“Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” Proverbs 4:26
To learn more about “friendationship,” Intentional Friendship™, and dating, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible study.
Overcoming Blindspots
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 5: Overcoming Blind Spots Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
What is a Blind Spot?
A blind spot is an area of your life that you don’t see. You may be saying, “I don’t have any blind spots.” Well, I hate to tell you this, but by definition, you won’t see them. They are there. Trust me. In fact, your family or friends may know what they are. Over time, through self-discovery, you may have fewer of them, but there are always others. It has to do with self-awareness.
Dan says:
My parents are in their early nineties and still driving. They have done extremely well with staying safe. But, as they have aged, their reflexes and awareness have slowed down. This has led to some nervous moments when driving with them. They recently purchased a car with amazing features that help with potential blind spots. When a car is next to them and out of side-view mirror range, a sensor detects it and beeps. When another vehicle is too close in front of them, the car senses it and beeps, and even slows the car down. It also senses if they are drifting out of their lane, beeps and corrects the car back into the lane. The technology is impressive. But the reality is, all of this technology is to remind them of their blind spots or awareness gaps so they do not get into an accident. I’m grateful for the technology because I know they are much safer as well as those around them.
In our lives, we have areas that are blind spots. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a warning system if you were about to get hurt in a relationship? Wouldn’t you love it if you could avoid making a mistake you would later regret? There are some steps you can take to help with your blind spots. Let’s look at some common blind spots people have in their lives.
How do you identify possible Blind Spots?
Blind spots are usually discovered by seeing symptoms. Have you ever had a bruise and couldn’t remember how it happened? You may have bumped into something and it didn’t register as something memorable in your life, but it left a mark. Blind spots are like that. There is a lingering effect, but we don’t always know or remember what might have led to it. The list below represents some examples of blind spots. These are the symptoms of something you are not aware of in your relationships. As you go through the list, see if you can identify with any of these in your own life.
• Friendships—Your friendships deepen quickly and you feel very close to someone, but then they seem to fizzle. Or you seem to have a lot of short-term friends but have trouble keeping friends for a long time. You only feel comfortable with friends of the same sex. You only feel comfortable with friends of the opposite sex.
• Dating--People may repeatedly break up with you or you break up with them. Although you would love to find and date someone, you feel frustrated and have given up. You have identified the problem with your dating life and it’s everyone else, not you.
• Conflict—You hate confrontation. You seem to repeatedly have trouble resolving conflict. Even though you’re not happy about something in a relationship, you go along to get along. You find yourself blowing up about things in different relationships. You don’t have the patience to work through conflict with others.
• Emotions—You try your hardest to avoid emotions. You fear losing control when you feel certain emotions. You find people are afraid of you or avoid you because of your emotions or outbursts. You have a hard time identifying how you feel about relationships, life events, losses, or setbacks.
• Gender—You just don’t seem to understand the opposite sex. You see eye rolls from the opposite sex when you share your “wisdom” about them. You make blanket statements about the opposite sex, but they seem to disagree. You feel uncomfortable around the opposite sex.
• Work—You believe you are doing a good job, you show up on time, you stay over, you are willing to take on projects others reject, but you don’t understand why co-workers are promoted over you when you feel you are the most qualified and most committed.
• Social—You hear about parties and gatherings, but you rarely seem to get an invitation. Why aren’t you getting invited? If you do get invited, you feel awkward and don’t know why.
• Singing—You believe you sing like Frank Sinatra or Beyoncé, but Simon Cowell just said your singing sounds like the mating call of a Tibetan yak. OK, this may not be a problem most of us have, but you get the point.
Not knowing what is true about ourselves can impact our relationships. You could have blind spots with appearance, hygiene, leadership, culture, education, goal setting, finances, parenting, spinach in your teeth, and so much more.
To read more about Blind Spots including steps to overcome them, be sure to purchase your own “Intentional Relationships for Singles” 12- week study. We also encourage you to attend the www.LaborDaySingles.org Retreat this Sept 2-5th, 2022 where our theme is Intentional Relationships based on the study.
A blind spot is an area of your life that you don’t see. You may be saying, “I don’t have any blind spots.” Well, I hate to tell you this, but by definition, you won’t see them. They are there. Trust me. In fact, your family or friends may know what they are. Over time, through self-discovery, you may have fewer of them, but there are always others. It has to do with self-awareness.
Dan says:
My parents are in their early nineties and still driving. They have done extremely well with staying safe. But, as they have aged, their reflexes and awareness have slowed down. This has led to some nervous moments when driving with them. They recently purchased a car with amazing features that help with potential blind spots. When a car is next to them and out of side-view mirror range, a sensor detects it and beeps. When another vehicle is too close in front of them, the car senses it and beeps, and even slows the car down. It also senses if they are drifting out of their lane, beeps and corrects the car back into the lane. The technology is impressive. But the reality is, all of this technology is to remind them of their blind spots or awareness gaps so they do not get into an accident. I’m grateful for the technology because I know they are much safer as well as those around them.
In our lives, we have areas that are blind spots. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a warning system if you were about to get hurt in a relationship? Wouldn’t you love it if you could avoid making a mistake you would later regret? There are some steps you can take to help with your blind spots. Let’s look at some common blind spots people have in their lives.
How do you identify possible Blind Spots?
Blind spots are usually discovered by seeing symptoms. Have you ever had a bruise and couldn’t remember how it happened? You may have bumped into something and it didn’t register as something memorable in your life, but it left a mark. Blind spots are like that. There is a lingering effect, but we don’t always know or remember what might have led to it. The list below represents some examples of blind spots. These are the symptoms of something you are not aware of in your relationships. As you go through the list, see if you can identify with any of these in your own life.
• Friendships—Your friendships deepen quickly and you feel very close to someone, but then they seem to fizzle. Or you seem to have a lot of short-term friends but have trouble keeping friends for a long time. You only feel comfortable with friends of the same sex. You only feel comfortable with friends of the opposite sex.
• Dating--People may repeatedly break up with you or you break up with them. Although you would love to find and date someone, you feel frustrated and have given up. You have identified the problem with your dating life and it’s everyone else, not you.
• Conflict—You hate confrontation. You seem to repeatedly have trouble resolving conflict. Even though you’re not happy about something in a relationship, you go along to get along. You find yourself blowing up about things in different relationships. You don’t have the patience to work through conflict with others.
• Emotions—You try your hardest to avoid emotions. You fear losing control when you feel certain emotions. You find people are afraid of you or avoid you because of your emotions or outbursts. You have a hard time identifying how you feel about relationships, life events, losses, or setbacks.
• Gender—You just don’t seem to understand the opposite sex. You see eye rolls from the opposite sex when you share your “wisdom” about them. You make blanket statements about the opposite sex, but they seem to disagree. You feel uncomfortable around the opposite sex.
• Work—You believe you are doing a good job, you show up on time, you stay over, you are willing to take on projects others reject, but you don’t understand why co-workers are promoted over you when you feel you are the most qualified and most committed.
• Social—You hear about parties and gatherings, but you rarely seem to get an invitation. Why aren’t you getting invited? If you do get invited, you feel awkward and don’t know why.
• Singing—You believe you sing like Frank Sinatra or Beyoncé, but Simon Cowell just said your singing sounds like the mating call of a Tibetan yak. OK, this may not be a problem most of us have, but you get the point.
Not knowing what is true about ourselves can impact our relationships. You could have blind spots with appearance, hygiene, leadership, culture, education, goal setting, finances, parenting, spinach in your teeth, and so much more.
To read more about Blind Spots including steps to overcome them, be sure to purchase your own “Intentional Relationships for Singles” 12- week study. We also encourage you to attend the www.LaborDaySingles.org Retreat this Sept 2-5th, 2022 where our theme is Intentional Relationships based on the study.
The Friendszone
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 9, 10: Intentional Friendship and Intentional Dating by Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
Scenario:
A lady is new to my church that I am interested in dating. I finally got the courage to ask her out. She told me no and explained that she liked me as a friend. Because she was new to the church, she wanted to take some time to get to know me. So how long will this take, I thought to myself? How am I supposed to keep seeing her at church and keep my romantic interest to myself? Should I just ignore her and hope the feelings go away? Should I go to a different church now? Or should I wait and see if her feelings change?
First of all, we have all experienced being in the "friendzone." That place where you were either told after you broke up that they just want to be friends, or you never even got a date to begin with. In modern culture, it may also refer to a place I call "Friendationship" where one person is in love with the other hoping they will eventually also love them. In contrast, the other person only has friendship feelings and knows they will never have different feelings.
Often, a friendzone offers little hope of changing. It can be a place of discouragement. It is a place that most do not want to be in unless it's mutual. A place that leads to nothing. But is there a value to the "friendzone"?
In the scenario:
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
A lady is new to my church that I am interested in dating. I finally got the courage to ask her out. She told me no and explained that she liked me as a friend. Because she was new to the church, she wanted to take some time to get to know me. So how long will this take, I thought to myself? How am I supposed to keep seeing her at church and keep my romantic interest to myself? Should I just ignore her and hope the feelings go away? Should I go to a different church now? Or should I wait and see if her feelings change?
First of all, we have all experienced being in the "friendzone." That place where you were either told after you broke up that they just want to be friends, or you never even got a date to begin with. In modern culture, it may also refer to a place I call "Friendationship" where one person is in love with the other hoping they will eventually also love them. In contrast, the other person only has friendship feelings and knows they will never have different feelings.
Often, a friendzone offers little hope of changing. It can be a place of discouragement. It is a place that most do not want to be in unless it's mutual. A place that leads to nothing. But is there a value to the "friendzone"?
In the scenario:
- His dating technique is similar to the technique of the secular world. Tarzan sees Jane, Tarzan wants Jane, Tarzan gets Jane. We are in such an instant society that we make assumptions without any information when we don't get what we want right away. These assumptions can lead to a loss without you knowing it. We give up and do not wait on the Lord's direction or input.
There is value in waiting to get to know someone better before you date them in any culture. I call this an Intentional Friendship™. It's a place between generic friendship and dating. It's a period of time when you are both in agreement to get to know each other, asking more questions without the pressure of dating or the expectations that come with dating too soon. What would have been great is if she suggested an Intentional Friendship™. This way, he wouldn't have felt rejected, leading to a poor attitude. It would have given him some hope while still allowing them both to get to know each other. - He was concerned about how long it would take for her to get to know him well enough to go on a date. My question is, why wouldn't he be interested in getting to know her as well. The older we become as singles, the more baggage we carry. So the more we can learn about each other, the better we are when we enter into a dating relationship. Now how long this takes is really up to how much time they get to spend together as friends to get to know each other. In an Intentional Friendship™, you schedule time together such as talking or texting, getting coffee, or going on a hike. This way, you have the time to ask all the questions you want to know the answers to, get to experience being around them, and see them around others. This period will reveal a ton of information. Information that allows you to access if you do want to date.
- He mentioned his concern about seeing her at church and how he was supposed to behave in the friendzone? Well, here is the thing, if she could be the one, building the friendship would be worth it. But like in all relationships, you need boundaries. If you are attracted to her, you will continue to be, and that is good as we need to be attracted to someone we want to date. But while continuing to get to know each other, you sense your interest is stronger, you want to spend more time with her than she seems to want to spend with you, or you find yourself manipulating things so you can sit next to her, show up at her activities, etc. then you are not on the same path. This is when you do need to guard your heart. This is when you do need to practice boundaries. It can also be a time to have a DTR: Determine the Relationship.
If, after a few weeks of conversation, group activities, etc., you talk with her again about going on a date and she still feels the same, then perhaps it is time to move on. While I don't think you need to change churches or go to a different service, you need to pray and ask God to help you and let go of your feelings to move on. I know it will be challenging, but you will survive. I promise.
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! —Psalm 27:14 (NIV)
- Jesus valued it. "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." – John 15:12-15 (NIV)
- You can learn about each other. This will help in all opposite-sex relationships, including friends who eventually date and/or possibly marry.
- This is a great time to practice boundaries.
- You can discover how to communicate more effectively as most men and women communicate very differently.
- It can teach you how to care for someone without a romantic attachment.
- It can reveal areas that you need to change.
- Friends in the friendzone can lead to dating relationships if you spend enough time getting to know each other and involve the Lord through prayer and direction, communication and accountability of others.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Intentional Dating, Starting the Pursuit
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 11: Intentional Dating by Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
Before you start dating:
• It’s important that you have spent the time working on yourself, including all of the relationships in your life, such as family, work, and friends. Note: Chapters 1-10 will help you in your walk with the Lord, reveal any areas of your relationships that need change, and discover red, yellow, and green flags.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” – Psalm 139:23 (NIV)
• Have you identified an accountability partner? Note: Throughout the study, we teach you the importance of having wise counsel from those you trust. This is important for all of your relationships.
“Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.” – Proverbs 15:22 (NLT)
• Have you prayed? Have you honestly spent time seeking God about this person, and whether or not you should move forward? Have you asked for God’s peace, His wisdom, and direction? The number reason our relationships struggle is getting ahead of God and his best. Note: We talk more about this in Chapter 2, God, our first intentional relationship.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.“ – James 1:5 (NIV)
• How is your health? This means everything from physical, mental, spiritual to emotional health. Note: Chapters 2-6 talk about why our relationships fail, our identity, how God designed our genders and their differences, as well as blind spots. Often we are not ready to date because we are still struggling with our identity, emotional issues, holding on to our past, etc.
“Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.” – 1 Timothy 4:8 (NLT)
• If you have children, have you considered them? When children are in the picture, they need to be protected from bonding with multiple people as potential parents. Note: Having an Intentional Friendship™ (Chapter 10) can help protect not only your heart but the heart of your kids.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.“ – Psalm 127:3 (ESV)
• Ask them out. This may seem obvious, but we have found that people often send mixed messages or make assumptions about what they are doing when it comes to dating. So, make it clear you want to move from an Intentional Friendship to dating. Note: Chapter 11 goes into tons of great detail about intentional dating, including the 2nd date and forward and, when it ends, the next step.
“So I say to you: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” – Luke 11:9 (NIV)
• Who is paying, and who is driving? This cultural question differs depending on how you were raised, your generation, financial ability, and what you may have already discussed in your Intentional Friendship. Note: In Chapter 2, we talk about those unrealistic expectations that often lead to miscommunication. Would it be great to learn how to be realistic about ALL of our relationships, including family, work, and friends? Then when we get to the date part, we are experts.
“For we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord’s sight but also in the sight of man.” – 2 Corinthians 8:21 (ESV)
• Hygiene and appearance. I know this should be something everyone knows, but to be honest, we don’t. As friends, we should help each other in this area, so it isn't an issue when we feel led to start dating. Note: Chapter 9 talks about friendship and the importance of speaking the truth to each other.
“Before a young woman’s turn came to go into King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics.”
– Esther 2:12 (NIV)
• Be creative and have fun. Nobody goes on a date to be bored, so plan ahead.
“A joyful heart is good medicine.” – Proverbs 17:22 (ESV)
• Talk less and listen more. Continue to ask open-ended questions. Note: At the end of the study, we have over 650 questions on every topic you can think of. While the questions are not meant to go in order or all used, they are a great guideline and help when spending time together. These questions could even be used in all of your relationships.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak...” – James 1:19 (ESV)
• Mobile devices. So what is more important, your phone or the person you are with?
“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works...“ – Titus 2:7 (ESV)
• Set up boundaries. Boundaries are needed for all relationships. Note: We spend a considerable amount of time talking about them in Chapter 7.
Today, decide to date the way God has designed by being intentional in your relationship with Him first and then all others.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
• It’s important that you have spent the time working on yourself, including all of the relationships in your life, such as family, work, and friends. Note: Chapters 1-10 will help you in your walk with the Lord, reveal any areas of your relationships that need change, and discover red, yellow, and green flags.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” – Psalm 139:23 (NIV)
• Have you identified an accountability partner? Note: Throughout the study, we teach you the importance of having wise counsel from those you trust. This is important for all of your relationships.
“Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.” – Proverbs 15:22 (NLT)
• Have you prayed? Have you honestly spent time seeking God about this person, and whether or not you should move forward? Have you asked for God’s peace, His wisdom, and direction? The number reason our relationships struggle is getting ahead of God and his best. Note: We talk more about this in Chapter 2, God, our first intentional relationship.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.“ – James 1:5 (NIV)
• How is your health? This means everything from physical, mental, spiritual to emotional health. Note: Chapters 2-6 talk about why our relationships fail, our identity, how God designed our genders and their differences, as well as blind spots. Often we are not ready to date because we are still struggling with our identity, emotional issues, holding on to our past, etc.
“Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.” – 1 Timothy 4:8 (NLT)
• If you have children, have you considered them? When children are in the picture, they need to be protected from bonding with multiple people as potential parents. Note: Having an Intentional Friendship™ (Chapter 10) can help protect not only your heart but the heart of your kids.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.“ – Psalm 127:3 (ESV)
• Ask them out. This may seem obvious, but we have found that people often send mixed messages or make assumptions about what they are doing when it comes to dating. So, make it clear you want to move from an Intentional Friendship to dating. Note: Chapter 11 goes into tons of great detail about intentional dating, including the 2nd date and forward and, when it ends, the next step.
“So I say to you: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” – Luke 11:9 (NIV)
• Who is paying, and who is driving? This cultural question differs depending on how you were raised, your generation, financial ability, and what you may have already discussed in your Intentional Friendship. Note: In Chapter 2, we talk about those unrealistic expectations that often lead to miscommunication. Would it be great to learn how to be realistic about ALL of our relationships, including family, work, and friends? Then when we get to the date part, we are experts.
“For we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord’s sight but also in the sight of man.” – 2 Corinthians 8:21 (ESV)
• Hygiene and appearance. I know this should be something everyone knows, but to be honest, we don’t. As friends, we should help each other in this area, so it isn't an issue when we feel led to start dating. Note: Chapter 9 talks about friendship and the importance of speaking the truth to each other.
“Before a young woman’s turn came to go into King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics.”
– Esther 2:12 (NIV)
• Be creative and have fun. Nobody goes on a date to be bored, so plan ahead.
“A joyful heart is good medicine.” – Proverbs 17:22 (ESV)
• Talk less and listen more. Continue to ask open-ended questions. Note: At the end of the study, we have over 650 questions on every topic you can think of. While the questions are not meant to go in order or all used, they are a great guideline and help when spending time together. These questions could even be used in all of your relationships.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak...” – James 1:19 (ESV)
• Mobile devices. So what is more important, your phone or the person you are with?
“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works...“ – Titus 2:7 (ESV)
• Set up boundaries. Boundaries are needed for all relationships. Note: We spend a considerable amount of time talking about them in Chapter 7.
Today, decide to date the way God has designed by being intentional in your relationship with Him first and then all others.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Why Relationships Fail
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 2: Why Relationships Fail Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
Everyone has relationships that didn’t work out the way they had hoped. It’s a part of life. But, often, you don’t take the time to understand why they failed. By looking at how they relationships fail, you can learn how to minimize your mistakes or change your expectations for future friendships. In the
beginning, though, relationships didn’t start off this way.
“Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.“ – Genesis 1:26-27 (NIV)
God created you with the distinct purpose of a relationship—first with your Creator, then with each other. However, this idyllic beginning was short-lived. A reading of Genesis 3 reveals that great expectations ended in dismal failure, the consequences of which we deeply feel today.
What Happened?
Have you ever had a relationship that just seemed right from the beginning? We’re not talking only about a dating relationship, but any friendship that clicked. You may know many of the reasons you got along so well, but chances are you didn’t understand all of them. Not only does God see relationships as important, but they also benefit you greatly. We gain so many benefits from a relationship that we don’t even recognize them all. Good relationships yield better physical health, better mental health, richer happiness, deeper love, greater empathy, improved creativity, longer life, to name a few. Healthy relationships make us better versions of ourselves. This is why being intentional about them is so important.
Since we are designed for relationships by our Creator, it stands to reason that the One who wrote the operator’s manual can share with you His wisdom on what an intentional relationship should look like.
Why do you have so many struggles in your relationships, especially with those closest to you?
To understand this, we have to look at one reason your relationships fail. What often starts off so well inevitably runs into struggles. In Chapter 2 of Intentional Relationships for Singles, we delve into four relational challenges, and we are certain you will resonate with some of these in your relationships with your family, friends, acquaintances, work-mates, or someone you are dating or engaged to. So to give you a glimpse into why our relationships fail, we will start with a big one: SIN
Sin really is at the core of all of our problems in relationships. We will identify this more specifically as we look at sin in our own lives. The first sin is described in Genesis 3. Adam and Eve decided to take the direction they thought was best, desiring to be in control, having God’s power and knowledge. This encapsulates what sin is. It is being self-focused. Even your mistakes can be the result of missing something you should have seen because your focus was elsewhere. These common sins can have the biggest consequences in our relationships:
• Idolatry: This is listed as the first commandment for a reason. Most people struggle greatly with it.
Making relationships your top priority is idolatry since God should occupy that space.
• Betrayal: Sharing what was supposed to be kept confidential or cheating in an exclusive
relationship are examples of betrayal.
• Envy: You are not satisfied with what God has provided you, and you want what others have.
• Lust: You focus on something that excites you. It might be a person, a position, or an object of fantasy.
• Pride: You are in control, and you know better than God.
• Selfishness: It’s all about you.
“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.“ – 1 John 1:8-10 (ESV)
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
beginning, though, relationships didn’t start off this way.
“Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.“ – Genesis 1:26-27 (NIV)
God created you with the distinct purpose of a relationship—first with your Creator, then with each other. However, this idyllic beginning was short-lived. A reading of Genesis 3 reveals that great expectations ended in dismal failure, the consequences of which we deeply feel today.
What Happened?
Have you ever had a relationship that just seemed right from the beginning? We’re not talking only about a dating relationship, but any friendship that clicked. You may know many of the reasons you got along so well, but chances are you didn’t understand all of them. Not only does God see relationships as important, but they also benefit you greatly. We gain so many benefits from a relationship that we don’t even recognize them all. Good relationships yield better physical health, better mental health, richer happiness, deeper love, greater empathy, improved creativity, longer life, to name a few. Healthy relationships make us better versions of ourselves. This is why being intentional about them is so important.
Since we are designed for relationships by our Creator, it stands to reason that the One who wrote the operator’s manual can share with you His wisdom on what an intentional relationship should look like.
Why do you have so many struggles in your relationships, especially with those closest to you?
To understand this, we have to look at one reason your relationships fail. What often starts off so well inevitably runs into struggles. In Chapter 2 of Intentional Relationships for Singles, we delve into four relational challenges, and we are certain you will resonate with some of these in your relationships with your family, friends, acquaintances, work-mates, or someone you are dating or engaged to. So to give you a glimpse into why our relationships fail, we will start with a big one: SIN
Sin really is at the core of all of our problems in relationships. We will identify this more specifically as we look at sin in our own lives. The first sin is described in Genesis 3. Adam and Eve decided to take the direction they thought was best, desiring to be in control, having God’s power and knowledge. This encapsulates what sin is. It is being self-focused. Even your mistakes can be the result of missing something you should have seen because your focus was elsewhere. These common sins can have the biggest consequences in our relationships:
• Idolatry: This is listed as the first commandment for a reason. Most people struggle greatly with it.
Making relationships your top priority is idolatry since God should occupy that space.
• Betrayal: Sharing what was supposed to be kept confidential or cheating in an exclusive
relationship are examples of betrayal.
• Envy: You are not satisfied with what God has provided you, and you want what others have.
• Lust: You focus on something that excites you. It might be a person, a position, or an object of fantasy.
• Pride: You are in control, and you know better than God.
• Selfishness: It’s all about you.
“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.“ – 1 John 1:8-10 (ESV)
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
We Got It All Wrong
Portions of the content taken from Intentional Relationships For Singles, Chapter 1: We Got It All Wrong Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk
Magazines at the grocery checkout stand give you advice on dating, sex, and relationships (including friendships, work, and family) as you wait to purchase. Every romantic movie tells us love is this magical thing that overcomes all obstacles no matter the circumstances. By the end of the movie, the couple reconciles and lives happily ever after. Of course, there is always a beautiful woman and a man, and, for some reason, a dog. That’s what we all want, right?
Then there are the reality shows, giving us a “true” perspective of what real relationships look like. Simply take sixteen model women; one tall, dark, and handsome guy; three months at a dream location, all expenses paid; and a rose, and you’ve got everything you need to find your spouse. I’m sure we can all relate. Then we discover that some of these reality shows are scripted,
The problem with this picture of happy relationships living happily ever after is that fewer and fewer singles are getting married and far too many marriages end in divorce. Even marriages that last sometimes aren’t fulfilling. Work relationships struggle because of unresolved misunderstandings. People start friendships with the hope of finding that kindred spirit, but find the revolving door of disappointment instead. Often our friendships are like social media. We appear to have hundreds of friendships, yet how many of those are truly close? Families continue to struggle due to personal past problems, addictions, blended family dynamics, or financial issues. These scenarios, and so many others, rob us of experiencing the deep relationships God originally intended for us.
Our culture is also changing the attitude many singles have toward marriage. The single population for adults over eighteen is now over 50 percent. Many younger singles are abandoning the institution of marriage and opting to live together. The reasons for this are numerous, yet the vast majority of singles desire to be in a healthy committed relationship or marriage.
Dan says:
After my divorce I didn’t know if I would ever be married again. I had a lot of pain and confusion. But deep in my heart, I wanted someone in my life who I could love and who would love me back. Someone who could share life together with me. Even though I was married before, I had missed some of this. However, my dating life didn’t seem to indicate I would be married again.
When I talk with singles who have lost a spouse or have been through a divorce, many tell me they aren’t interested in dating or another marriage. However, I have seen many of these same people in a dating relationship when they thought the right person came along, some within a year of telling me this.
In my experience, most people in Christian circles are open to a loving, committed marriage. It’s just that they are sometimes still hurting, feeling awkward about looking again, feeling unprepared, or they have lost hope because of their circumstances. Well over 90 percent of the people I have talked to in singles ministry would be open to a marriage if the right person came along.
Kris says:
In my many years of starting and leading singles ministries, the most frequent question I get is, “Why hasn’t God brought me someone yet?” They feel they have done everything God has asked them to do. They are in church regularly, reading their Bible, serving, debt-free, healthy, and in shape. They think I have a crystal ball and can just look into it and know the answer. But the reality is, I don’t.
For some singles I meet, it’s obvious what the problem is, from the way they dress and groom themselves, to how they communicate, to unresolved issues, and immaturity. But for those who appear healthy, in love with Jesus and sold out for Him, it’s a tough one.
I wonder, “Lord, why haven’t you brought them a spouse? They seem healthy. Wait a minute! Why haven’t you brought me a spouse?”
Hmm, maybe the answer is more complex. Maybe it’s about an incredible calling of sacrificing my possible, maybe, almost amazing, future marriage and family. Maybe He has called me, like most, to marriage. Has it possibly not happened because of my own junk that I haven’t dealt with? Hmm, and if this is so, then what am I supposed to do about it? I had to confront it, pray, and ask God’s Spirit to show me the areas of my life that still needed help or change.
This journey of personal change led to starting a ministry called “Pray for a Mate™” — a monthly prayer group for those who are serious about praying, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal issues in their own life that need to be changed so you would not only be better prepared for marriage but healthier in the process. But also allowing you time to accept the possibility that God may want to keep you single. I will share more about Pray for a Mate in chapter 10 and how you/your church can start your own group.
We were created not just for “surfacy” relationships or acquaintances, but we were created by God for deep, healthy, and mutually beneficial relationships including our family, our kids, spouses, co-workers, and friends. Our relationships were designed to transform us into better versions of ourselves. That is how God works in our lives. Our relationship with Him has the effect of making us who He always intended, first starting with Him, and then affecting every other person in our lives.
In addition to the world’s definition of what it means to be single, well-meaning Christians often miss the mark with spiritual sounding advice to their single friends. This advice may be, “God will bring you someone when you least expect it,” or “You’re lucky you’re single; being married is hard,” or “God will bring you ‘the one’ in His timing,” or “Maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson.” Though it is possible some of these sentiments are true, only God would know. Its far more likely due to complex circumstances and the broken world we live in than any single, simple factor.
These kinds of comments cause unintentional hurt to single Christians who want to be married. Like many achievements in life, finding the one you want to marry is better approached with the right perspective and effort put toward it. We are relational beings, but relationships aren’t easy. Our primary goal is to help single Christians in their desire to be married to the right person. But we also know this curriculum can improve your family, friends, and co-worker relationships as well. The wisest man who ever lived said:
“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning.“– Proverbs 9:9 (NASB)
—QUESTIONS FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION--
We encourage you to rewrite the questions and give your thoughtful answer about each one. Don’t rush, take your time, and invite the Holy Spirit to speak to you. If your answer is “Yes,” write down your “Why.”
• Do you want to stop making the same mistakes from past relationships in the future?
• Do you want to experience healthy boundaries?
• Do you want to have healthier conflict?
• Do you want clarity in your family, friends, and work relationships?
• Do you want meaningful friendships?
• Do you want your expectations in relationships to fit with reality?
• Do you want to have real accountability that leads toward change?
If you said “Yes” to these, have we got a deal for you! We address these as we go through the Intentional Relationship curriculum. We all are in different places in our growth and health. Some of these principles will impact you greatly, showing areas where you need significant work. Other principles might only pertain to you in limited ways. And in some areas you will say, “Wow, I’m already doing this well.” Don’t feel like you have to become a completely different person. God meets you where you are, with the goal of helping you grow into the person He knows you were designed to be.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Then there are the reality shows, giving us a “true” perspective of what real relationships look like. Simply take sixteen model women; one tall, dark, and handsome guy; three months at a dream location, all expenses paid; and a rose, and you’ve got everything you need to find your spouse. I’m sure we can all relate. Then we discover that some of these reality shows are scripted,
The problem with this picture of happy relationships living happily ever after is that fewer and fewer singles are getting married and far too many marriages end in divorce. Even marriages that last sometimes aren’t fulfilling. Work relationships struggle because of unresolved misunderstandings. People start friendships with the hope of finding that kindred spirit, but find the revolving door of disappointment instead. Often our friendships are like social media. We appear to have hundreds of friendships, yet how many of those are truly close? Families continue to struggle due to personal past problems, addictions, blended family dynamics, or financial issues. These scenarios, and so many others, rob us of experiencing the deep relationships God originally intended for us.
Our culture is also changing the attitude many singles have toward marriage. The single population for adults over eighteen is now over 50 percent. Many younger singles are abandoning the institution of marriage and opting to live together. The reasons for this are numerous, yet the vast majority of singles desire to be in a healthy committed relationship or marriage.
Dan says:
After my divorce I didn’t know if I would ever be married again. I had a lot of pain and confusion. But deep in my heart, I wanted someone in my life who I could love and who would love me back. Someone who could share life together with me. Even though I was married before, I had missed some of this. However, my dating life didn’t seem to indicate I would be married again.
When I talk with singles who have lost a spouse or have been through a divorce, many tell me they aren’t interested in dating or another marriage. However, I have seen many of these same people in a dating relationship when they thought the right person came along, some within a year of telling me this.
In my experience, most people in Christian circles are open to a loving, committed marriage. It’s just that they are sometimes still hurting, feeling awkward about looking again, feeling unprepared, or they have lost hope because of their circumstances. Well over 90 percent of the people I have talked to in singles ministry would be open to a marriage if the right person came along.
Kris says:
In my many years of starting and leading singles ministries, the most frequent question I get is, “Why hasn’t God brought me someone yet?” They feel they have done everything God has asked them to do. They are in church regularly, reading their Bible, serving, debt-free, healthy, and in shape. They think I have a crystal ball and can just look into it and know the answer. But the reality is, I don’t.
For some singles I meet, it’s obvious what the problem is, from the way they dress and groom themselves, to how they communicate, to unresolved issues, and immaturity. But for those who appear healthy, in love with Jesus and sold out for Him, it’s a tough one.
I wonder, “Lord, why haven’t you brought them a spouse? They seem healthy. Wait a minute! Why haven’t you brought me a spouse?”
Hmm, maybe the answer is more complex. Maybe it’s about an incredible calling of sacrificing my possible, maybe, almost amazing, future marriage and family. Maybe He has called me, like most, to marriage. Has it possibly not happened because of my own junk that I haven’t dealt with? Hmm, and if this is so, then what am I supposed to do about it? I had to confront it, pray, and ask God’s Spirit to show me the areas of my life that still needed help or change.
This journey of personal change led to starting a ministry called “Pray for a Mate™” — a monthly prayer group for those who are serious about praying, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal issues in their own life that need to be changed so you would not only be better prepared for marriage but healthier in the process. But also allowing you time to accept the possibility that God may want to keep you single. I will share more about Pray for a Mate in chapter 10 and how you/your church can start your own group.
We were created not just for “surfacy” relationships or acquaintances, but we were created by God for deep, healthy, and mutually beneficial relationships including our family, our kids, spouses, co-workers, and friends. Our relationships were designed to transform us into better versions of ourselves. That is how God works in our lives. Our relationship with Him has the effect of making us who He always intended, first starting with Him, and then affecting every other person in our lives.
In addition to the world’s definition of what it means to be single, well-meaning Christians often miss the mark with spiritual sounding advice to their single friends. This advice may be, “God will bring you someone when you least expect it,” or “You’re lucky you’re single; being married is hard,” or “God will bring you ‘the one’ in His timing,” or “Maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson.” Though it is possible some of these sentiments are true, only God would know. Its far more likely due to complex circumstances and the broken world we live in than any single, simple factor.
These kinds of comments cause unintentional hurt to single Christians who want to be married. Like many achievements in life, finding the one you want to marry is better approached with the right perspective and effort put toward it. We are relational beings, but relationships aren’t easy. Our primary goal is to help single Christians in their desire to be married to the right person. But we also know this curriculum can improve your family, friends, and co-worker relationships as well. The wisest man who ever lived said:
“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning.“– Proverbs 9:9 (NASB)
—QUESTIONS FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION--
We encourage you to rewrite the questions and give your thoughtful answer about each one. Don’t rush, take your time, and invite the Holy Spirit to speak to you. If your answer is “Yes,” write down your “Why.”
• Do you want to stop making the same mistakes from past relationships in the future?
• Do you want to experience healthy boundaries?
• Do you want to have healthier conflict?
• Do you want clarity in your family, friends, and work relationships?
• Do you want meaningful friendships?
• Do you want your expectations in relationships to fit with reality?
• Do you want to have real accountability that leads toward change?
If you said “Yes” to these, have we got a deal for you! We address these as we go through the Intentional Relationship curriculum. We all are in different places in our growth and health. Some of these principles will impact you greatly, showing areas where you need significant work. Other principles might only pertain to you in limited ways. And in some areas you will say, “Wow, I’m already doing this well.” Don’t feel like you have to become a completely different person. God meets you where you are, with the goal of helping you grow into the person He knows you were designed to be.
To learn more about this topic, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
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