What Does It Mean When Rejection Is Unclear?
by Kris Swiatocho
Question: I am a 55-year-old Christian woman, and I think I may have just been put in the "friend zone."
Recently, I went on a coffee date with a man from my church. Everything seemed to go really well, and afterward, I was hopeful he would ask me out again—perhaps for dinner. Instead, when we communicated later, he invited me to join him and some of his friends for a group lunch. At first, I wondered if this was his way of gently rejecting me, but he assured me it would be fun and that we would have a chance to spend some time together. That gave me hope that he might still be interested in getting to know me better.
I went to lunch and enjoyed meeting several new people. However, in a group setting, I didn't get much one-on-one time with him. Once again, I found myself wondering if he was trying to keep things strictly in the friendship category.
From what I know of him so far, I think he's a wonderful man, and I would like the opportunity to date him. Am I reading too much into the situation, or does it sound like he is trying to let me know he's not interested romantically? Should I ask him directly what he thinks about us and whether he sees any dating potential, or would that be premature?
Answer: Yes, while it could be a possible gentle rejection, it could be that he doesn't know you well enough to have a more serious date. We encourage everyone to have a season of friendship first, intentional friendship. This is a time between basic friendship (I see you at church, in my small group, at school, in the neighborhood, at the gym, etc.) and dating. It's a time when you agree to spend time together by phone and meals, but you are not dating. It's time you asked each other more questions to decide if you want to date. It's also a great time for group gatherings, so your friends can meet you and observe you in other settings.
A few questions: Were you friends with him before he asked you for coffee, and for how long? Do you have some of the same friends? You said you go to the same church. Are you in the same Sunday school or a small group? Have you served with him or gone on a mission trip? Do you know enough about him to date? What is his dating history? What does he believe spiritually? Does he want to be married one day? How does he handle stress? How much debt does he have? I think you might be getting the idea. Christian dating should be based on the belief that this person has the potential to one day be your spouse. It doesn’t mean your dating will lead to marriage, but at the same time, you are not dating to just date. Knowing if this person could be the "one" cannot be known after one coffee date. You need a lot more time as friends first. A lot more time to ask the harder questions. This way, your heart is guarded.
So, here are 7 steps that can help you in your journey:
Step 1: Pray and be sure God wants you to get to know her better. If God says yes, you are ready for Step 2.
Step 2: Talk to her, let her know how you feel, and be open about how she might respond. Tell him you enjoyed your coffee date and would like to get to know him better. While the group lunch was fun, you didn't learn more about him. If he says, "I am not interested in going on a second date with you," or seems uncomfortable discussing it further, you know the truth and can move on. If he responds, “I'm sorry, I invited you to the group lunch so you could meet some of my friends, and vice versa. I had hoped we could have spent more time talking and getting to know each other. How about we have another coffee date?” Then you are ready for the next step.
Step 3: Go on the second coffee date. If he seems interested (has eye contact, leans in as he talks, asks you questions, too), then you know the feelings are mutual. You are ready for the next step.
Step 4: Have another group date. Ask if his group is doing anything that you can attend. Invite him to a group gathering you set up. This keeps things on the friendship level, allowing you to learn more about each other. If things go well, then you are ready for the next step.
Step 5: Starting an Intentional Friendship. Share the concept with him and see what he thinks. In our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, we have over 650 questions you can ask someone. Being more intentional with spending time with him and asking deeper questions will take time; however, in the end, it's the best investment you can make in your potential relationship. If you've made it this far, the next step will help you understand where things stand.
Step 6: Watch out for red, yellow, and green flags. As you continue talking to him, whether on the phone or by text, ask more questions and listen to God. Pay attention to the types of answers that will indicate your next step. It could be to stop or slow things down, ask for more information, or continue forward. If God says to go forward, you are ready for the next step in dating. If not, you can part ways and stay friends. For more on intentional dating, see Chapter 11 of our study.
Jeremiah 10:23 Lord, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
Question: I am a 55-year-old Christian woman, and I think I may have just been put in the "friend zone."
Recently, I went on a coffee date with a man from my church. Everything seemed to go really well, and afterward, I was hopeful he would ask me out again—perhaps for dinner. Instead, when we communicated later, he invited me to join him and some of his friends for a group lunch. At first, I wondered if this was his way of gently rejecting me, but he assured me it would be fun and that we would have a chance to spend some time together. That gave me hope that he might still be interested in getting to know me better.
I went to lunch and enjoyed meeting several new people. However, in a group setting, I didn't get much one-on-one time with him. Once again, I found myself wondering if he was trying to keep things strictly in the friendship category.
From what I know of him so far, I think he's a wonderful man, and I would like the opportunity to date him. Am I reading too much into the situation, or does it sound like he is trying to let me know he's not interested romantically? Should I ask him directly what he thinks about us and whether he sees any dating potential, or would that be premature?
Answer: Yes, while it could be a possible gentle rejection, it could be that he doesn't know you well enough to have a more serious date. We encourage everyone to have a season of friendship first, intentional friendship. This is a time between basic friendship (I see you at church, in my small group, at school, in the neighborhood, at the gym, etc.) and dating. It's a time when you agree to spend time together by phone and meals, but you are not dating. It's time you asked each other more questions to decide if you want to date. It's also a great time for group gatherings, so your friends can meet you and observe you in other settings.
A few questions: Were you friends with him before he asked you for coffee, and for how long? Do you have some of the same friends? You said you go to the same church. Are you in the same Sunday school or a small group? Have you served with him or gone on a mission trip? Do you know enough about him to date? What is his dating history? What does he believe spiritually? Does he want to be married one day? How does he handle stress? How much debt does he have? I think you might be getting the idea. Christian dating should be based on the belief that this person has the potential to one day be your spouse. It doesn’t mean your dating will lead to marriage, but at the same time, you are not dating to just date. Knowing if this person could be the "one" cannot be known after one coffee date. You need a lot more time as friends first. A lot more time to ask the harder questions. This way, your heart is guarded.
So, here are 7 steps that can help you in your journey:
Step 1: Pray and be sure God wants you to get to know her better. If God says yes, you are ready for Step 2.
Step 2: Talk to her, let her know how you feel, and be open about how she might respond. Tell him you enjoyed your coffee date and would like to get to know him better. While the group lunch was fun, you didn't learn more about him. If he says, "I am not interested in going on a second date with you," or seems uncomfortable discussing it further, you know the truth and can move on. If he responds, “I'm sorry, I invited you to the group lunch so you could meet some of my friends, and vice versa. I had hoped we could have spent more time talking and getting to know each other. How about we have another coffee date?” Then you are ready for the next step.
Step 3: Go on the second coffee date. If he seems interested (has eye contact, leans in as he talks, asks you questions, too), then you know the feelings are mutual. You are ready for the next step.
Step 4: Have another group date. Ask if his group is doing anything that you can attend. Invite him to a group gathering you set up. This keeps things on the friendship level, allowing you to learn more about each other. If things go well, then you are ready for the next step.
Step 5: Starting an Intentional Friendship. Share the concept with him and see what he thinks. In our study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, we have over 650 questions you can ask someone. Being more intentional with spending time with him and asking deeper questions will take time; however, in the end, it's the best investment you can make in your potential relationship. If you've made it this far, the next step will help you understand where things stand.
Step 6: Watch out for red, yellow, and green flags. As you continue talking to him, whether on the phone or by text, ask more questions and listen to God. Pay attention to the types of answers that will indicate your next step. It could be to stop or slow things down, ask for more information, or continue forward. If God says to go forward, you are ready for the next step in dating. If not, you can part ways and stay friends. For more on intentional dating, see Chapter 11 of our study.
Jeremiah 10:23 Lord, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more about dating, friendship, and intentional friendship. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
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