Missionary Dating: I Am On A Mission!
by Kris Swiatocho
There I was, in my twenties, standing at the entrance of my church for what felt like the hundredth time. I was waiting for Bob, or maybe it was John, or perhaps Dave. In the end, it didn't matter because there seemed to be a pattern. I would meet these great guys who'd say, "Sure, I go to church," and that was good enough for me to consider dating them. I would arrive at church early, eagerly anticipating their arrival, only to be met with disappointment when they wouldn't show up. Other times, they would arrive late, appearing bored and distracted. When was I going to figure it out?
Hey everyone, as a single adult myself, I understand how challenging it can be to find the right person. It often feels like you have to kiss many frogs before you find a prince. I have heard many stories and have quite a few of my own. For example: "He told me he was a believer." "He goes to church every Sunday." "At least he isn't a bad person." "He grew up in church." "I know that if I can just be the right example, he will change." Are there any other experiences you'd like to share?
I understand the kind of desperation that can blind us—the kind that leads to settling for less and living in denial. I know that many of you grow tired of waiting on God; some of you haven't even started to wait at all, while others may have already given up.
I have personally gone through the five levels described below. Deep down, I knew that any man who didn't love God, didn't prioritize Christ, and wasn't growing in his relationship with Him, based on the evidence of his actions, was not someone I should date. Yet, despite this knowledge, I pursued those relationships anyway.
As each relationship progressed, a pattern emerged: these men didn't draw me closer to Christ but instead pulled me away from Him. It took time—years, in fact—before I truly understood this truth. I had to experience all the levels of this journey to gain clarity. So, where do you find yourself? Perhaps you are at one of these levels, struggling to let go and surrender the relationship to God.
Level 1: You met him at a friend's party. He seems nice, and you share a few common interests. There's an obvious attraction between you. By the end of the party, he asks if you're on social media and wants to "be your friend" or follow you. You agree to this. At this point, you assume he must be a believer since he is at your Christian friend's party. You haven't asked any spiritual questions yet, but you are praying and hoping he loves Jesus.
Level 2: You check out his page, and nothing seems alarming. While you don't see any references to the Lord, there's also nothing negative or anti-Christian. So, you decide to start chatting with him. You keep the conversation focused on various topics, avoiding any discussion of the Lord for now. You're concerned that if you bring it up too soon, he might think you're overly religious. You're also unsure how to introduce the concept of "Intentional Friendship™" since you just met him and don't know him well enough yet.
He seems polite, loves his mother, and has a golden retriever. Doesn't that mean good things? He asked for my number, and we started texting. We exchanged messages daily for the next two weeks, sometimes late into the night. Wow, I think he might be "the one." Then he asked me out on a date. I figured that one date wouldn't hurt anyone; I need to have a life, you know? It's nice to have a man take you out, spend money on you, and tell you you're pretty.
I'm sure I'll eventually get the courage to ask him about his relationship with the Lord. I believe he goes to church. I know I should probably start with an intentional friendship first, but what if all my questions scare him away? What if I discover before we even go on a date that he isn't the one? I think I will wait. Once we start dating, I can bring up the topic of friendship.
Level 3: The big day has arrived, and you are incredibly excited. You've built this man up to be your knight in shining armor. Although you still don't know if he's a Christian, he's been so sweet so far that it feels like you've known him your whole life. You decide to keep things light and meet at the mall to walk around and then have lunch.
Things go well until lunch, when you start sharing more about your life, your dreams, and how many kids you want one day. Then, you ask the important question: "Do you go to church?" He responds, "Yeah, sure." Whew!
You follow up with, "Where do you go to church?" He hesitates and says, "Uhhh, I think it's called New Focus or Focus Community or something like that." Huh? He doesn't even know the name of his church? You press on: "Do you believe in Jesus?" He replies, "Sure, doesn't everyone?" Hmm, well, not everyone.
He decides to change the subject. "Hey, let's get out of here and grab some ice cream." You agree; that sounds like fun. But now you're left wondering: Is he a Christian or not? You're not sure.
After ice cream, you hug each other, and he says he'll talk to you later. However, something in your heart tells you that this isn't right. You realize that you should have suggested being intentional friends first. That way, you could have learned so much about him without getting your heart involved. But now you think it might be too late. What do you do?
Level 4: You've been on a few dates but still don't know much about his relationship with God. You decide to ask a few spiritual questions: "What is your favorite Bible verse?" He responds with, "Well, what's yours?" Hmm. You follow up with another question: "How do you serve the Lord?" He mentions that he went on a mission trip with his church when he was 12. Okay, that was about 20 years ago. Ugh.
You invite him to your church, and he agrees to go. Afterward, you go to lunch with other singles from your church and bring up the sermon. You ask him, "So, what did you think of the pastor's sermon on dating and relationships?" He seems genuinely interested, which excites you. Maybe he does know the Lord after all.
Level 5: You text more and go on a few additional dates, but soon realize he is interested in God only because you are. Deep down, you know he isn't the one for you. Your heart breaks again, and you find yourself facing unrealistic expectations once more. You feel shattered. How many of these men will you continue to "missionary date"? When will you understand that being an intentional friend first is essential for discovering whether someone is truly the right person to date? You shouldn't date with the intent to convert them or encourage them to walk with God, and then attempt to be their friend.
You chose to ignore many red and yellow flags because you wanted it to work so badly. He frequently changes the subject when you talk about the Lord, but he does it in a polite manner. He makes excuses when you invite him to church activities, and he often misses church because of his work schedule. He forgets to bring his Bible when he does attend and has never downloaded a Bible app on his phone. He consistently changes the radio station to music that isn't Christ-focused, and his movie choices involve a lot of violence. At one point, he jokingly said he believed everyone who was good would go to heaven. Deep down, you know he is not the one.
So, I guess I was a "missionary dater." I seemed to be on a mission to get guys "saved," "walking with God," and "growing in their faith." What's wrong with that? We are supposed to witness and lead others to Christ, right?
He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.—Colossians 1:28
I was simply hoping that one of them would lead me in the right direction. I wished for someone who loves God as much as I do, or even more. I wanted a guy who would put God first, then me, and then everything else.
However, there's a significant problem. God warns us that when we connect ourselves with those who do not walk with Him—those who may claim to believe but whose lives suggest otherwise—we risk being pulled away from God and the purpose He has for us. It is much easier for someone to drag us down from a higher place than it is for us to lift someone up from a lower one. For our protection, God commands us not to be unequally yoked.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belia? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." 17 "Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. —2 Corinthians 6:14-17
Having friends, co-workers, family members, or others who may not believe is still important.
On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. —Matthew 9:12
It is God's purpose for us to reach others for Christ. Through our friendships, we can help lead others to Him. This means that every person you meet and get to know should be viewed as someone who is part of His purpose, not yours. People of the opposite sex should also have the opportunity to come to Christ.
While some guys are attending church, reading their Bibles, and growing in their faith, they may still be relatively young in their walk with God. It's important to come alongside them, offer help, pray for them, encourage friendships with other men, and guide them toward Christ before considering dating. Even after you've decided to pursue a relationship, take the necessary time to watch them grow and see the fruits of their faith.
I believe that as we genuinely seek God's will in our lives, friendships, and relationships, we will receive what we need. We just need to trust that God knows what is best for us and start with an Intentional Friendship™ first. It will save a lot of time and tears.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
There I was, in my twenties, standing at the entrance of my church for what felt like the hundredth time. I was waiting for Bob, or maybe it was John, or perhaps Dave. In the end, it didn't matter because there seemed to be a pattern. I would meet these great guys who'd say, "Sure, I go to church," and that was good enough for me to consider dating them. I would arrive at church early, eagerly anticipating their arrival, only to be met with disappointment when they wouldn't show up. Other times, they would arrive late, appearing bored and distracted. When was I going to figure it out?
Hey everyone, as a single adult myself, I understand how challenging it can be to find the right person. It often feels like you have to kiss many frogs before you find a prince. I have heard many stories and have quite a few of my own. For example: "He told me he was a believer." "He goes to church every Sunday." "At least he isn't a bad person." "He grew up in church." "I know that if I can just be the right example, he will change." Are there any other experiences you'd like to share?
I understand the kind of desperation that can blind us—the kind that leads to settling for less and living in denial. I know that many of you grow tired of waiting on God; some of you haven't even started to wait at all, while others may have already given up.
I have personally gone through the five levels described below. Deep down, I knew that any man who didn't love God, didn't prioritize Christ, and wasn't growing in his relationship with Him, based on the evidence of his actions, was not someone I should date. Yet, despite this knowledge, I pursued those relationships anyway.
As each relationship progressed, a pattern emerged: these men didn't draw me closer to Christ but instead pulled me away from Him. It took time—years, in fact—before I truly understood this truth. I had to experience all the levels of this journey to gain clarity. So, where do you find yourself? Perhaps you are at one of these levels, struggling to let go and surrender the relationship to God.
Level 1: You met him at a friend's party. He seems nice, and you share a few common interests. There's an obvious attraction between you. By the end of the party, he asks if you're on social media and wants to "be your friend" or follow you. You agree to this. At this point, you assume he must be a believer since he is at your Christian friend's party. You haven't asked any spiritual questions yet, but you are praying and hoping he loves Jesus.
Level 2: You check out his page, and nothing seems alarming. While you don't see any references to the Lord, there's also nothing negative or anti-Christian. So, you decide to start chatting with him. You keep the conversation focused on various topics, avoiding any discussion of the Lord for now. You're concerned that if you bring it up too soon, he might think you're overly religious. You're also unsure how to introduce the concept of "Intentional Friendship™" since you just met him and don't know him well enough yet.
He seems polite, loves his mother, and has a golden retriever. Doesn't that mean good things? He asked for my number, and we started texting. We exchanged messages daily for the next two weeks, sometimes late into the night. Wow, I think he might be "the one." Then he asked me out on a date. I figured that one date wouldn't hurt anyone; I need to have a life, you know? It's nice to have a man take you out, spend money on you, and tell you you're pretty.
I'm sure I'll eventually get the courage to ask him about his relationship with the Lord. I believe he goes to church. I know I should probably start with an intentional friendship first, but what if all my questions scare him away? What if I discover before we even go on a date that he isn't the one? I think I will wait. Once we start dating, I can bring up the topic of friendship.
Level 3: The big day has arrived, and you are incredibly excited. You've built this man up to be your knight in shining armor. Although you still don't know if he's a Christian, he's been so sweet so far that it feels like you've known him your whole life. You decide to keep things light and meet at the mall to walk around and then have lunch.
Things go well until lunch, when you start sharing more about your life, your dreams, and how many kids you want one day. Then, you ask the important question: "Do you go to church?" He responds, "Yeah, sure." Whew!
You follow up with, "Where do you go to church?" He hesitates and says, "Uhhh, I think it's called New Focus or Focus Community or something like that." Huh? He doesn't even know the name of his church? You press on: "Do you believe in Jesus?" He replies, "Sure, doesn't everyone?" Hmm, well, not everyone.
He decides to change the subject. "Hey, let's get out of here and grab some ice cream." You agree; that sounds like fun. But now you're left wondering: Is he a Christian or not? You're not sure.
After ice cream, you hug each other, and he says he'll talk to you later. However, something in your heart tells you that this isn't right. You realize that you should have suggested being intentional friends first. That way, you could have learned so much about him without getting your heart involved. But now you think it might be too late. What do you do?
Level 4: You've been on a few dates but still don't know much about his relationship with God. You decide to ask a few spiritual questions: "What is your favorite Bible verse?" He responds with, "Well, what's yours?" Hmm. You follow up with another question: "How do you serve the Lord?" He mentions that he went on a mission trip with his church when he was 12. Okay, that was about 20 years ago. Ugh.
You invite him to your church, and he agrees to go. Afterward, you go to lunch with other singles from your church and bring up the sermon. You ask him, "So, what did you think of the pastor's sermon on dating and relationships?" He seems genuinely interested, which excites you. Maybe he does know the Lord after all.
Level 5: You text more and go on a few additional dates, but soon realize he is interested in God only because you are. Deep down, you know he isn't the one for you. Your heart breaks again, and you find yourself facing unrealistic expectations once more. You feel shattered. How many of these men will you continue to "missionary date"? When will you understand that being an intentional friend first is essential for discovering whether someone is truly the right person to date? You shouldn't date with the intent to convert them or encourage them to walk with God, and then attempt to be their friend.
You chose to ignore many red and yellow flags because you wanted it to work so badly. He frequently changes the subject when you talk about the Lord, but he does it in a polite manner. He makes excuses when you invite him to church activities, and he often misses church because of his work schedule. He forgets to bring his Bible when he does attend and has never downloaded a Bible app on his phone. He consistently changes the radio station to music that isn't Christ-focused, and his movie choices involve a lot of violence. At one point, he jokingly said he believed everyone who was good would go to heaven. Deep down, you know he is not the one.
So, I guess I was a "missionary dater." I seemed to be on a mission to get guys "saved," "walking with God," and "growing in their faith." What's wrong with that? We are supposed to witness and lead others to Christ, right?
He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.—Colossians 1:28
I was simply hoping that one of them would lead me in the right direction. I wished for someone who loves God as much as I do, or even more. I wanted a guy who would put God first, then me, and then everything else.
However, there's a significant problem. God warns us that when we connect ourselves with those who do not walk with Him—those who may claim to believe but whose lives suggest otherwise—we risk being pulled away from God and the purpose He has for us. It is much easier for someone to drag us down from a higher place than it is for us to lift someone up from a lower one. For our protection, God commands us not to be unequally yoked.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belia? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." 17 "Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. —2 Corinthians 6:14-17
Having friends, co-workers, family members, or others who may not believe is still important.
On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. —Matthew 9:12
It is God's purpose for us to reach others for Christ. Through our friendships, we can help lead others to Him. This means that every person you meet and get to know should be viewed as someone who is part of His purpose, not yours. People of the opposite sex should also have the opportunity to come to Christ.
While some guys are attending church, reading their Bibles, and growing in their faith, they may still be relatively young in their walk with God. It's important to come alongside them, offer help, pray for them, encourage friendships with other men, and guide them toward Christ before considering dating. Even after you've decided to pursue a relationship, take the necessary time to watch them grow and see the fruits of their faith.
I believe that as we genuinely seek God's will in our lives, friendships, and relationships, we will receive what we need. We just need to trust that God knows what is best for us and start with an Intentional Friendship™ first. It will save a lot of time and tears.
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
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