Do I Still Need a List?
by Kris Swiatocho and Pastor Dan Houk
QUESTION: I attend a large church with many singles but have not yet met anyone I want to get to know better. I wonder if my “list” is too strict. After studying Intentional Relationships, I understand that building friendships is important. I should be his intentional friend and ask those numerous questions you included in the book.
However, I struggle to meet anyone I feel drawn to, let alone start an Intentional Friendship™. Is there something wrong with me? In a world filled with singles, I should be making friends easily. Kris and Dan, can you help me understand what I might be doing wrong?
First, let us reassure you that you may not be doing anything wrong. It could simply be that it’s not God’s timing for you to meet someone and build a friendship that could lead to something deeper. However, your question suggests that you desire to meet someone but haven't found that opportunity yet. You mentioned your “list,” so let’s address that first.
From a young age, women—especially those in their teens and early twenties—are often encouraged to create a list of qualities they want in a future spouse. The idea is to reflect on what’s important to you and to pray over it, which can help guide your dating decisions. Having a list can be beneficial, including qualities like loving God, getting along with his family, attending church, being kind and friendly, and so on. It’s alarming how many Christians date individuals who do not share their faith, so including that quality on your list is certainly valid. However, problems can arise when the list becomes unrealistic (as discussed in Chapter One of our study). If you find yourself listing every fruit of the Spirit as something mandatory, along with strict standards about looks, height, weight, job, and income, it’s time to reconsider. You should allow for imperfections and practice grace.
When evaluating your list, try reversing the perspective. Ask yourself if you embody those characteristics. If not, it might be time to reassess your expectations. Compromise isn’t necessary, but it’s vital to be realistic and trust God’s plan. While physical attraction is important, we have found through years of leading a singles ministry that as friendships develop and you get to know someone on a deeper level, inner qualities start to enhance their outer attractiveness, highlighting what God is doing rather than just your personal desires.
Now, let’s discuss why you haven’t found anyone you want to be friends with. While your list may play a role, fear could also be a factor. Building a friendship with a guy doesn’t automatically mean it has to evolve into an Intentional Friendship™ or lead to dating. Jesus had friendships with women, yet He never dated any of them. God designs friendships and should be encouraged. If you view friendship as a means to contribute to God’s kingdom, it can shift your perspective. Look at friendship as an opportunity to practice relationship skills, support others, and make connections, rather than feeling pressured to pursue every friendship as a potential pathway to marriage. Relax and enjoy building them.
Once you do form friendships, it’s natural for feelings to develop over time. When that happens, you’ll want to assess your realistic list, pray, and consider what God says about the situation. Entering into an Intentional Friendship™ doesn’t mean you will date or marry that person; it simply allows you to understand someone better while minimizing the risk of emotional hurt.
So, enjoy the journey of forming safe friendships, trust God's timing and direction, and focus on your personal growth. Remember, your future partner may also have their list.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. —Psalm 37:4-6
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
QUESTION: I attend a large church with many singles but have not yet met anyone I want to get to know better. I wonder if my “list” is too strict. After studying Intentional Relationships, I understand that building friendships is important. I should be his intentional friend and ask those numerous questions you included in the book.
However, I struggle to meet anyone I feel drawn to, let alone start an Intentional Friendship™. Is there something wrong with me? In a world filled with singles, I should be making friends easily. Kris and Dan, can you help me understand what I might be doing wrong?
First, let us reassure you that you may not be doing anything wrong. It could simply be that it’s not God’s timing for you to meet someone and build a friendship that could lead to something deeper. However, your question suggests that you desire to meet someone but haven't found that opportunity yet. You mentioned your “list,” so let’s address that first.
From a young age, women—especially those in their teens and early twenties—are often encouraged to create a list of qualities they want in a future spouse. The idea is to reflect on what’s important to you and to pray over it, which can help guide your dating decisions. Having a list can be beneficial, including qualities like loving God, getting along with his family, attending church, being kind and friendly, and so on. It’s alarming how many Christians date individuals who do not share their faith, so including that quality on your list is certainly valid. However, problems can arise when the list becomes unrealistic (as discussed in Chapter One of our study). If you find yourself listing every fruit of the Spirit as something mandatory, along with strict standards about looks, height, weight, job, and income, it’s time to reconsider. You should allow for imperfections and practice grace.
When evaluating your list, try reversing the perspective. Ask yourself if you embody those characteristics. If not, it might be time to reassess your expectations. Compromise isn’t necessary, but it’s vital to be realistic and trust God’s plan. While physical attraction is important, we have found through years of leading a singles ministry that as friendships develop and you get to know someone on a deeper level, inner qualities start to enhance their outer attractiveness, highlighting what God is doing rather than just your personal desires.
Now, let’s discuss why you haven’t found anyone you want to be friends with. While your list may play a role, fear could also be a factor. Building a friendship with a guy doesn’t automatically mean it has to evolve into an Intentional Friendship™ or lead to dating. Jesus had friendships with women, yet He never dated any of them. God designs friendships and should be encouraged. If you view friendship as a means to contribute to God’s kingdom, it can shift your perspective. Look at friendship as an opportunity to practice relationship skills, support others, and make connections, rather than feeling pressured to pursue every friendship as a potential pathway to marriage. Relax and enjoy building them.
Once you do form friendships, it’s natural for feelings to develop over time. When that happens, you’ll want to assess your realistic list, pray, and consider what God says about the situation. Entering into an Intentional Friendship™ doesn’t mean you will date or marry that person; it simply allows you to understand someone better while minimizing the risk of emotional hurt.
So, enjoy the journey of forming safe friendships, trust God's timing and direction, and focus on your personal growth. Remember, your future partner may also have their list.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. —Psalm 37:4-6
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
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