Put Up Your Dukes: 4 Steps Toward Conflict Resolution
by Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho
(Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible Study.)
Conflict in relationships happens to all of us. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
STEP #1: Acknowledge the problem.
Problems, disappointments, and hurts happen throughout your life. Some are minor issues like people being late, not following through, or kids not cleaning their rooms when you ask. However, some are significant issues, such as betrayal, communication breakdowns, or disrespect. These kinds of issues create divisions in relationships that need to be addressed. As a part of acknowledging the problem, be sure you do the following:
• Pray. The first step in addressing any issue is to go to God. It’s also something you do throughout the process. He knows all the facts better than anyone. He will provide wisdom, direction, and peace as you go through the conflict-resolution process. He has a lot of experience. There is no scenario where God says, “Wow, I never saw that coming.” This may also be when you get wisdom from a trusted friend or counselor.
• Assess it. Do you need a confrontation? Does the difference need resolving? If the conflict is a personality issue, the solution may be to agree, disagree, and bite your tongue. We may also realize we are at fault and need to let it go. If the conflict is due to the other person having mental issues, special needs, or being elderly, they may not be capable of understanding their responsibility or working through it. If you plan to confront someone, have you prayed and thought through what you would say to them? Have you sought input from others you trust who have the wisdom to guide you? Remember, seeking wisdom from one or two trusted people is wise. Seeking advice from twenty friends can lead to gossip.
• Address it. If you decide you need to address the issue, it is important to confront the person involved to repair the relationship. If you are at fault, you may need to ask for forgiveness.
• Manage your emotions. One way to listen is to ensure your emotions do not control you. Emotions in conflict make your issues seem bigger and inhibit your ability to be rational. To help you with your emotions, take the time to settle your nerves.
• Plan to talk. Avoid emails or texts to discuss the conflict, as they don’t clearly convey the truth or your heart and often lead to further conflict. Meeting in person is ideal, but a phone or video call is better if that's not possible. Be sure you and the other person are in the right frame of mind to discuss. Set a date and time that works for you both.
• Find neutral ground. Find a place that will be comfortable for both of you to meet. Avoid noisy restaurants where you are easily distracted or could run into someone you know.
• Meet one-on-one. The Bible instructs us to go directly to the person involved in the conflict and seek to resolve it. If you approach someone with others initially, it can appear as if you are ganging up on them, and they may feel attacked. This can put them on the defensive and damage the outcome. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel in the same situation? If you can make concessions while still honoring Christ, do so if this will settle the issue. In kindness, seek to correct them. Come alongside to disciple them. Encourage and affirm good behavior. Do all of this in a loving way. Some conflict resolution is for closing a relationship, continuing the relationship, or starting over to rebuild it.
• Meet with others. If the person won’t listen, accept responsibility, change, or acknowledge their responsibility, or if you feel you are making no progress, only then should you set a time to meet with a third party. Remember, the goal is resolution, not “winning.” Jesus discusses this approach to confrontation.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matthew 18:15-1 (NIV)
• Don’t judge. Unless they tell us, we don’t know someone’s motives or intentions for whatever they said and did. In 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV), the Bible says that “man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees the heart.” Judging a person’s motives puts a wall between both of you and makes resolution more difficult. Try to find something positive in how they look at things differently from you.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1 (NIV)
• Don’t assume. Try to avoid making assumptions. When addressing an issue with someone, you will need their perspective to resolve it fully. That can only happen when you take the time to sit down and listen to each other. It is wise to keep the proverb below in mind.
“The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.” – Proverbs 18:17 (NASB)
• Don’t blame. Someone will need to take responsibility at some point, but that should not happen until you have all the information you need. Adam failed to do this when confronted by God and blamed both Eve and God! That was a major “oops,” and one I’m sure he regretted afterward. It did not bring him closer to Eve or God. Eve didn’t do much better. Blaming is an equal-opportunity sport.
“The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.’ Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.' – Genesis 3:12-13 (NIV)
Remember, the confrontation isn’t only about you but also about repairing your relationship.
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but humbly count others more significant than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)
As we mentioned, when you acknowledge the problem to someone else, speak the truth in love. When you do, you will obey Christ and honor the other person.
(Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Intentional Relationships for Singles 12-week Bible Study.)
Conflict in relationships happens to all of us. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict.
STEP #1: Acknowledge the problem.
Problems, disappointments, and hurts happen throughout your life. Some are minor issues like people being late, not following through, or kids not cleaning their rooms when you ask. However, some are significant issues, such as betrayal, communication breakdowns, or disrespect. These kinds of issues create divisions in relationships that need to be addressed. As a part of acknowledging the problem, be sure you do the following:
• Pray. The first step in addressing any issue is to go to God. It’s also something you do throughout the process. He knows all the facts better than anyone. He will provide wisdom, direction, and peace as you go through the conflict-resolution process. He has a lot of experience. There is no scenario where God says, “Wow, I never saw that coming.” This may also be when you get wisdom from a trusted friend or counselor.
• Assess it. Do you need a confrontation? Does the difference need resolving? If the conflict is a personality issue, the solution may be to agree, disagree, and bite your tongue. We may also realize we are at fault and need to let it go. If the conflict is due to the other person having mental issues, special needs, or being elderly, they may not be capable of understanding their responsibility or working through it. If you plan to confront someone, have you prayed and thought through what you would say to them? Have you sought input from others you trust who have the wisdom to guide you? Remember, seeking wisdom from one or two trusted people is wise. Seeking advice from twenty friends can lead to gossip.
• Address it. If you decide you need to address the issue, it is important to confront the person involved to repair the relationship. If you are at fault, you may need to ask for forgiveness.
• Manage your emotions. One way to listen is to ensure your emotions do not control you. Emotions in conflict make your issues seem bigger and inhibit your ability to be rational. To help you with your emotions, take the time to settle your nerves.
• Plan to talk. Avoid emails or texts to discuss the conflict, as they don’t clearly convey the truth or your heart and often lead to further conflict. Meeting in person is ideal, but a phone or video call is better if that's not possible. Be sure you and the other person are in the right frame of mind to discuss. Set a date and time that works for you both.
• Find neutral ground. Find a place that will be comfortable for both of you to meet. Avoid noisy restaurants where you are easily distracted or could run into someone you know.
• Meet one-on-one. The Bible instructs us to go directly to the person involved in the conflict and seek to resolve it. If you approach someone with others initially, it can appear as if you are ganging up on them, and they may feel attacked. This can put them on the defensive and damage the outcome. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel in the same situation? If you can make concessions while still honoring Christ, do so if this will settle the issue. In kindness, seek to correct them. Come alongside to disciple them. Encourage and affirm good behavior. Do all of this in a loving way. Some conflict resolution is for closing a relationship, continuing the relationship, or starting over to rebuild it.
• Meet with others. If the person won’t listen, accept responsibility, change, or acknowledge their responsibility, or if you feel you are making no progress, only then should you set a time to meet with a third party. Remember, the goal is resolution, not “winning.” Jesus discusses this approach to confrontation.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matthew 18:15-1 (NIV)
• Don’t judge. Unless they tell us, we don’t know someone’s motives or intentions for whatever they said and did. In 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV), the Bible says that “man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees the heart.” Judging a person’s motives puts a wall between both of you and makes resolution more difficult. Try to find something positive in how they look at things differently from you.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1 (NIV)
• Don’t assume. Try to avoid making assumptions. When addressing an issue with someone, you will need their perspective to resolve it fully. That can only happen when you take the time to sit down and listen to each other. It is wise to keep the proverb below in mind.
“The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.” – Proverbs 18:17 (NASB)
• Don’t blame. Someone will need to take responsibility at some point, but that should not happen until you have all the information you need. Adam failed to do this when confronted by God and blamed both Eve and God! That was a major “oops,” and one I’m sure he regretted afterward. It did not bring him closer to Eve or God. Eve didn’t do much better. Blaming is an equal-opportunity sport.
“The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.’ Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.' – Genesis 3:12-13 (NIV)
Remember, the confrontation isn’t only about you but also about repairing your relationship.
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but humbly count others more significant than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)
As we mentioned, when you acknowledge the problem to someone else, speak the truth in love. When you do, you will obey Christ and honor the other person.
STEP #2: Accept your feelings.
Feelings are a part of every conflict. They can intensify the argument more than we like to admit. In James 4:1, he talks about our disagreements.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” – James 4:1 (NIV)
The desires James mentions in this verse are more accurately translated as “passions.” In other words, they stem from underlying emotions. We may think it is all about the issue we are fighting over, but our desires or underlying emotions often escalate conflict.
Dan says:
A few years into our marriage, Teresa and I argued one night. It didn’t seem particularly important then, but it ignited some emotion. Here’s what happened:
It was after work, and we were sitting in our living room. I was scrolling through Facebook, doing my duty as a pastor, and liking and commenting on all the posts from the people in our ministry. At least, that’s how I saw it.
Teresa asked, “Can you put that away so we can spend time together?”
Just then, a rush of memories of her scrolling through her phone came to my mind. I replied, “Why? You do it, too.”
She turned toward me. You are on your phone way more than you realize.”
“I think you have a double standard.”
Though I put my phone away, she didn’t seem happy at my huge sacrifice.
We didn’t discuss it again for three months until we were at a marriage retreat. The speaker asked us to go to our individual rooms, discuss a time when we were in conflict, and write down the feelings we had at the time. Teresa wrote, “unloved, abandoned, ignored, and unimportant.” I wrote, “judged, inadequate, and frustrated.” When we realized how negatively the little interaction impacted us, we felt terrible for doing that to each other. Our feelings before and after our interaction weighed far more than we had realized.
Below is a list of feelings we often have in conflict. Your feelings are real and need to be accepted, but your feelings are not facts. They don’t tell you who is right and who is wrong. They tell you how you feel about a situation or a person. Think about a past or present conflict and see if you can identify feelings you have had. Circle the words that describe your feelings. Evaluate how your feelings impacted you and your relationship.
Unresolved emotion in our conflict impacts our lives and robs us of joy. Once you have acknowledged the issue and accepted your feelings, you will want to dig deeper because your feelings are only part of what affects you in conflict.
Kris says:
One thing I have noticed about myself is that when I get into a heated situation—where there is conflict and I find myself overreacting—there is usually something else going on. I have learned to peel back the layers to reach the root cause of the problem. To quote Shrek speaking to Donkey, “Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.”
Usually, when I allow life to get to me, it’s because something deeper is going on. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep, or I am concerned and stressed about a bill due, I have sinned in some way, or someone hurt me. If not dealt with, all these manifest emotionally in unrelated things, like road rage or a simple disagreement with a family member.
So, what do I do? I stop. I think. I pray. I make sure my feelings are based on the truth of my situation. If it’s not about that situation, I return to the source and resolve it like Donkey and Shrek. It took a while for Donkey to get what Shrek felt from past pain and how it affected the present. And it took Shrek a while to accept Donkey’s real love and friendship, which came without any strings. Hmm, am I Shrek or Donkey?
Feelings are a part of every conflict. They can intensify the argument more than we like to admit. In James 4:1, he talks about our disagreements.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” – James 4:1 (NIV)
The desires James mentions in this verse are more accurately translated as “passions.” In other words, they stem from underlying emotions. We may think it is all about the issue we are fighting over, but our desires or underlying emotions often escalate conflict.
Dan says:
A few years into our marriage, Teresa and I argued one night. It didn’t seem particularly important then, but it ignited some emotion. Here’s what happened:
It was after work, and we were sitting in our living room. I was scrolling through Facebook, doing my duty as a pastor, and liking and commenting on all the posts from the people in our ministry. At least, that’s how I saw it.
Teresa asked, “Can you put that away so we can spend time together?”
Just then, a rush of memories of her scrolling through her phone came to my mind. I replied, “Why? You do it, too.”
She turned toward me. You are on your phone way more than you realize.”
“I think you have a double standard.”
Though I put my phone away, she didn’t seem happy at my huge sacrifice.
We didn’t discuss it again for three months until we were at a marriage retreat. The speaker asked us to go to our individual rooms, discuss a time when we were in conflict, and write down the feelings we had at the time. Teresa wrote, “unloved, abandoned, ignored, and unimportant.” I wrote, “judged, inadequate, and frustrated.” When we realized how negatively the little interaction impacted us, we felt terrible for doing that to each other. Our feelings before and after our interaction weighed far more than we had realized.
Below is a list of feelings we often have in conflict. Your feelings are real and need to be accepted, but your feelings are not facts. They don’t tell you who is right and who is wrong. They tell you how you feel about a situation or a person. Think about a past or present conflict and see if you can identify feelings you have had. Circle the words that describe your feelings. Evaluate how your feelings impacted you and your relationship.
- Anger, frustration, rage, contempt
- Hurt, betrayal, disappointment, neediness
- Shame, embarrassment, guilt, regret,
- Sadness, grief, joylessness, depression, humiliation, self-loathing
- Jealousy, suspicion, envy, selfishness, yearning
- Insecurity, inadequacy, unworthiness,
- Fear, anxiety, panic, worry, obsession, unqualified, unmotivated
- Loneliness, isolation, abandonment, emptiness, longing
- Love, affection, caring, pride, passion
- Gratitude, appreciation, thankfulness, admiration
Unresolved emotion in our conflict impacts our lives and robs us of joy. Once you have acknowledged the issue and accepted your feelings, you will want to dig deeper because your feelings are only part of what affects you in conflict.
Kris says:
One thing I have noticed about myself is that when I get into a heated situation—where there is conflict and I find myself overreacting—there is usually something else going on. I have learned to peel back the layers to reach the root cause of the problem. To quote Shrek speaking to Donkey, “Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.”
Usually, when I allow life to get to me, it’s because something deeper is going on. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep, or I am concerned and stressed about a bill due, I have sinned in some way, or someone hurt me. If not dealt with, all these manifest emotionally in unrelated things, like road rage or a simple disagreement with a family member.
So, what do I do? I stop. I think. I pray. I make sure my feelings are based on the truth of my situation. If it’s not about that situation, I return to the source and resolve it like Donkey and Shrek. It took a while for Donkey to get what Shrek felt from past pain and how it affected the present. And it took Shrek a while to accept Donkey’s real love and friendship, which came without any strings. Hmm, am I Shrek or Donkey?
STEP #3: Analyze your beliefs
Deep down inside of you are some powerful beliefs about yourself that greatly influence how you handle conflict. If these beliefs are negative, they can cause emotional harm. What are these beliefs? Well, they tend to be expressed as universally true, using words like “always” or “never” to describe them.
For example, if someone says to you, “You’re always inconsiderate,” you may internalize that and take on the belief that you are a mean person. Or if you hear “No wonder you’re still single,” you may internalize it and believe you cannot have a romantic relationship. You might have grown up thinking you fall short or are incompetent.
These beliefs come from within or from others. Regardless of their origin, if we believe them, we own them. The beliefs we hold about ourselves often surface during conflict, making it an excellent opportunity to examine, redefine, or reject them. Many relationships are damaged in conflict because we hold onto false, negative beliefs, which are nothing more than lies.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. – Proverbs 28:26 (ESV)
Dan says:
Teresa and I analyzed our beliefs in the same argument I mentioned earlier. Teresa’s father died when she was two years old. After that, she had other father figures come and go in her life. As a result, she struggled with abandonment issues and, at times, felt unlovable.
Because of my phone-scrolling, Teresa tapped into those feelings of abandonment and felt unlovable as a wife. Can you imagine how badly I felt when I discovered this?
At the same time, I had struggled with insecurity as a child, and I felt incompetent at times as a husband. She didn’t think of me that way, but I did. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, losing this argument meant I kept believing I was an insecure and incompetent person. Unsurprisingly, the stakes were high in this conflict, and what seemed like an insignificant issue became a major one.
After truly hearing from each other about our inner struggles, we hugged and wept. This powerful moment was sparked by an argument about my using Facebook on my phone. It was truly freeing to realize the argument about this incident was stupid. But our feelings and beliefs were being healed.
Rather than driving us apart, this conflict brought us closer together as we genuinely began to understand each other more deeply. This is the kind of reconciliation God desires in our relationships.
For more on overcoming the lies we believe, see Chapter 5, "Blind Spots."
Deep down inside of you are some powerful beliefs about yourself that greatly influence how you handle conflict. If these beliefs are negative, they can cause emotional harm. What are these beliefs? Well, they tend to be expressed as universally true, using words like “always” or “never” to describe them.
For example, if someone says to you, “You’re always inconsiderate,” you may internalize that and take on the belief that you are a mean person. Or if you hear “No wonder you’re still single,” you may internalize it and believe you cannot have a romantic relationship. You might have grown up thinking you fall short or are incompetent.
These beliefs come from within or from others. Regardless of their origin, if we believe them, we own them. The beliefs we hold about ourselves often surface during conflict, making it an excellent opportunity to examine, redefine, or reject them. Many relationships are damaged in conflict because we hold onto false, negative beliefs, which are nothing more than lies.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. – Proverbs 28:26 (ESV)
Dan says:
Teresa and I analyzed our beliefs in the same argument I mentioned earlier. Teresa’s father died when she was two years old. After that, she had other father figures come and go in her life. As a result, she struggled with abandonment issues and, at times, felt unlovable.
Because of my phone-scrolling, Teresa tapped into those feelings of abandonment and felt unlovable as a wife. Can you imagine how badly I felt when I discovered this?
At the same time, I had struggled with insecurity as a child, and I felt incompetent at times as a husband. She didn’t think of me that way, but I did. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, losing this argument meant I kept believing I was an insecure and incompetent person. Unsurprisingly, the stakes were high in this conflict, and what seemed like an insignificant issue became a major one.
After truly hearing from each other about our inner struggles, we hugged and wept. This powerful moment was sparked by an argument about my using Facebook on my phone. It was truly freeing to realize the argument about this incident was stupid. But our feelings and beliefs were being healed.
Rather than driving us apart, this conflict brought us closer together as we genuinely began to understand each other more deeply. This is the kind of reconciliation God desires in our relationships.
For more on overcoming the lies we believe, see Chapter 5, "Blind Spots."
STEP #4: Adjust your perspective
There is nothing more satisfying than resolving conflict successfully. This means two people have moved toward a deeper understanding of one another, and the original issue has been put in a new perspective. Someone might decide to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. Or someone admits wrong and apologizes. You might also discover there was a misunderstanding.
You must work on letting it go, no matter what happens in the confrontation. Having some lingering feelings of frustration is normal. There may be a cooling-off period, but seek God to resolve it in your heart.
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” – Hebrews 12:15 (NIV)
After a difficult conflict, there may be a temptation to become bitter. Bitterness hurts you and the person you had a conflict with, and causes a wedge between you and God. Look at what Jesus did for you. He forgave you even though you aren’t aware of all the hurt you have done to God and others. He forgave you because He is God, and He loves you. Once you truly understand and appreciate how much you have been forgiven, it becomes much easier to forgive others.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
Forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity, and God expects us to forgive. Forgiveness allows your relationship to be reconciled, just like God reconciled you to Himself through forgiveness. Though forgiveness is an instant act, the feelings of peace that accompany it take time. You may not feel rosy suddenly, but it means you will work toward feeling good again and won’t harbor resentment against someone.
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” – Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)
Sometimes, people confuse trust with forgiveness. Rick Warren says, "Forgiveness does not mean the instant restoration of trust. Forgiveness is instant. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is built on work. You earn trust. You don’t earn forgiveness.”
The beauty of successful reconciliation is that it offers an opportunity to rebuild trust.
What do I do if I am unable to resolve the conflict?
If working through this doesn’t help, don’t panic. It is not unusual to meet roadblocks in our relationships along the way. Consider involving a pastor, leader, or counselor to mediate on your behalf. A good mediator asks each side to suggest what they need to resolve the issue. After listening to both sides, the mediator suggests a compromise position everyone can accept. It’s important to try to find a place of resolution. Even if the place is small, it’s a start. Once you take one step, you can take another, and so forth.
What if I am not willing to deal with the conflict yet? What might be my reasons?
Most people dislike conflict. However, almost everyone loves it when the dispute is resolved. Take time to pray and ask God why you do not want to resolve the conflict. Is it fear, the conviction of your sin, control issues, or retribution? Ask the Lord to help you be willing to resolve conflicts with others. If the concern is that it may result in physical harm or involve others, such as friends, the police, or mediators, in resolving it. Involve others you trust to pray for you. Also, start praying for the other person(s) involved.
“Finally, all of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” – 1 Peter 3:8-9 (ESV)
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
There is nothing more satisfying than resolving conflict successfully. This means two people have moved toward a deeper understanding of one another, and the original issue has been put in a new perspective. Someone might decide to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. Or someone admits wrong and apologizes. You might also discover there was a misunderstanding.
You must work on letting it go, no matter what happens in the confrontation. Having some lingering feelings of frustration is normal. There may be a cooling-off period, but seek God to resolve it in your heart.
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” – Hebrews 12:15 (NIV)
After a difficult conflict, there may be a temptation to become bitter. Bitterness hurts you and the person you had a conflict with, and causes a wedge between you and God. Look at what Jesus did for you. He forgave you even though you aren’t aware of all the hurt you have done to God and others. He forgave you because He is God, and He loves you. Once you truly understand and appreciate how much you have been forgiven, it becomes much easier to forgive others.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
Forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity, and God expects us to forgive. Forgiveness allows your relationship to be reconciled, just like God reconciled you to Himself through forgiveness. Though forgiveness is an instant act, the feelings of peace that accompany it take time. You may not feel rosy suddenly, but it means you will work toward feeling good again and won’t harbor resentment against someone.
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” – Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)
Sometimes, people confuse trust with forgiveness. Rick Warren says, "Forgiveness does not mean the instant restoration of trust. Forgiveness is instant. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is built on work. You earn trust. You don’t earn forgiveness.”
The beauty of successful reconciliation is that it offers an opportunity to rebuild trust.
What do I do if I am unable to resolve the conflict?
If working through this doesn’t help, don’t panic. It is not unusual to meet roadblocks in our relationships along the way. Consider involving a pastor, leader, or counselor to mediate on your behalf. A good mediator asks each side to suggest what they need to resolve the issue. After listening to both sides, the mediator suggests a compromise position everyone can accept. It’s important to try to find a place of resolution. Even if the place is small, it’s a start. Once you take one step, you can take another, and so forth.
What if I am not willing to deal with the conflict yet? What might be my reasons?
Most people dislike conflict. However, almost everyone loves it when the dispute is resolved. Take time to pray and ask God why you do not want to resolve the conflict. Is it fear, the conviction of your sin, control issues, or retribution? Ask the Lord to help you be willing to resolve conflicts with others. If the concern is that it may result in physical harm or involve others, such as friends, the police, or mediators, in resolving it. Involve others you trust to pray for you. Also, start praying for the other person(s) involved.
“Finally, all of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” – 1 Peter 3:8-9 (ESV)
Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement.
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