Broken Single...Broken Marriage
By Kris Swiatocho, Co-Director, Intentional Relationship Solutions.
Why Healing Before Marriage Matters
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." — Psalm 147:3 One of the biggest myths in our culture is that marriage fixes loneliness, insecurity, fear, rejection, or a lack of purpose. Movies sell it. Friends imply it. Even Christians sometimes believe it. "If I could just find the right person..." "If I could finally get married..." "Then I'd be happy." The problem is that marriage was never meant to heal a broken heart. Jesus was. Many singles unknowingly carry emotional wounds into every relationship they enter. Some have experienced rejection from family, betrayal by friends, abuse, divorce, abandonment, or years of wondering why God hasn't answered their prayers for a spouse. Others struggle with shame over past choices or compare themselves to others. Those wounds are real, but they don't have to define us. God specializes in restoring broken lives. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." — Psalm 34:18 The temptation is to believe that another person will finally make us feel whole. But no human being can bear that responsibility. When we expect a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, or spouse to heal our deepest hurts, we're asking them to do what only Christ can do. Eventually, they disappoint us—not because they don't love us, but because they're human. Only Jesus can fill the deepest places in our hearts. King David knew this when he wrote: "Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." — Psalm 73:25–26 What We Don't Heal, We Often Carry Our unresolved hurts don't disappear just because we start dating. Instead, they often shape how we love. A person who fears rejection may become clingy or overly sensitive. Someone who was abandoned may become controlling or jealous. A person who never learned healthy conflict resolution may either explode in anger or withdraw emotionally. Someone desperate for acceptance may ignore obvious warning signs because they fear being alone more than making a poor decision. Jesus said, "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." — Matthew 12:34 The same principle applies to relationships. Whatever fills our hearts eventually spills into our relationships. Your Identity Is Not Your Relationship Status Our culture often tells singles they are incomplete until they marry. God says something completely different.
When our identity is rooted in Christ, we stop measuring our worth by whether someone chooses us. Instead, we rest in the truth that God has already chosen us. Healing Begins with Surrender Paul reminds believers, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" — 2 Corinthians 5:17 Healing doesn't begin with a wedding. It begins with surrender. God often uses seasons of singleness to expose unhealthy patterns, deepen our dependence on Him, strengthen our character, and remind us that our joy comes from His presence—not another person's attention. James encourages us: "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." — James 4:8 The closer we grow to Christ, the healthier we become in every relationship. Let God Transform Your Heart Healing is more than managing behavior. God wants to transform the heart. Ezekiel records God's promise: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." — Ezekiel 36:26 Transformation is God's work, but it requires our willingness to let Him into the painful places we've tried to hide. Paul also writes, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." — Romans 12:2 God changes us from the inside out. Healthy People Love Differently No one enters marriage perfectly healed. We all have scars. But there is a difference between someone who pursues healing and someone who ignores their own brokenness.
The fruit of the Spirit also becomes evident as God heals our hearts: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." — Galatians 5:22–23 You can't manufacture these qualities by finding the right person. You produce them by walking with the right Savior. The Relationship You Need Most If you're carrying pain today, don't hide it. Don't rush into another relationship hoping someone else will rescue you. Run to Jesus.
— 1 Peter 5:7 Jesus Himself offers this invitation: "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." — Matthew 11:28 Whether you remain single for a season or eventually marry, your greatest need will never change.
When He heals your heart, you stop looking for someone to complete you and start living as someone already complete in Him. "And in Christ you have been brought to fullness." — Colossians 2:10 |
By Pastor Dan Houk, Co-Director, Intentional Relationship Solutions.
"Better to be single than to wish you were."
That was the saying most singles remembered from a beloved elderly woman in our ministry. She didn’t speak those words from theory but from experience. After enduring a painful and broken marriage marked by her husband’s brokenness, she understood firsthand the cost of entering a relationship that isn’t healthy. Her wisdom reminds us of an important truth: our health as single adults is directly connected to the choices we make in our romantic relationships, especially who we marry. The healthier we become before marriage, the wiser our relationship decisions tend to be, and the stronger the foundation we build for a lifelong partnership. What we often overlook is how profoundly our emotional health also shapes every relationship we have, and how well we sustain those relationships over time. The progress we make in healing our brokenness changes how we love, communicate, and connect with others. As we grow emotionally healthier… … our perspective becomes clearer. … our boundaries become stronger. … our conflict becomes more fruitful. … our confidence becomes more grounded. … our relationship choices become healthier. Growth is a lifelong journey. Change is difficult, and we all have blind spots. Yet, in His grace, God patiently transforms us over time. He opens our eyes to unhealthy mindsets that need renewal, behaviors that damage our relationships, and distorted beliefs that quietly lead us astray. As He reveals these areas and we respond in obedience, we become healthier people, and healthier people build healthier relationships. So the question is: how can I make the changes that make me a healthier single person, which would lead to healthier relationships and a healthier marriage? The answer is both practical and spiritual. Jesus declared the greatest two commandments (Mark 12:30–31, NIV): “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” So there we have it: a spiritual and practical way to grow in how well we love others. Spiritual: Make God a daily priority. A thriving relationship with God takes love, commitment, patience, honesty, and faithfulness. You don’t need to be perfect. God makes that clear. But you do need to exercise faith in Him.
All of these activities and others—such as fasting, generosity, and meditation—cause us to grow in relationship with Him. But God also teaches us through relationships with others, which brings us to the practical. Practical: God tells us in Genesis 2 that it isn’t good that the man is alone, so He creates Eve for Adam. This isn’t just about marriage. It is about our design. What God has always known, social psychologists have discovered: we grow best in relationship. That means we need positive relationships to change. When we join a small group, volunteer with a group at church, or open ourselves and our lives to close friends, we discover thought patterns or behaviors that need to change. Our anger might damage a relationship; our wishful thinking might expose us to relational pain; our poor boundaries might reveal why our relationships become stressed. We only discover all of this in relationships. And when we discover them, we have an opportunity to grow in maturity. Relationships with trusted, wise people can open our eyes in practical ways to the changes we need in our lives. But it requires humility and approachability. I know hearing about a weakness can hurt, but the pain is far less than a broken relationship for which we had such high hopes. So to recap: Make God a daily priority. A thriving relationship with God takes love, commitment, patience, honesty, and faithfulness. And as you might guess, it takes those same character qualities to have good relationships with others. Treat God the way you would treat a friend, and you might find you start growing in grace, patience, love, and commitment. And just as we grow through our relationship with God, we grow through our relationships with others. Don’t isolate yourself—join a small group, serve alongside others, open your life to close friends. In those relationships, our blind spots get exposed, and our maturity gets built. Spiritual growth and practical growth go hand in hand: as we draw closer to God, we become healthier people, and as we open our lives to others, we become healthier partners. Questions for Reflection
Heavenly Father, thank You for loving me in every season of life. Thank You that my value is not determined by whether I am single or married, but by the fact that I belong to You. Heal the broken places in my heart. Replace fear with faith, rejection with acceptance, bitterness with forgiveness, and loneliness with Your presence. Help me become the person You are calling me to be before I ask anyone else to walk beside me. May my life reflect the wholeness only You can provide. In Jesus' name, Amen. Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week Bible study (Workbook) to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends), but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement. © 2026 www.IntentionalRelationshipSolutions.org Bring Kris or Dan to your city to speak in person or by Zoom at your next event. |
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