He Says He Believe in God, Sort of
by Kris Swiatocho
Question: I am a middle-aged, single lady who has never been married or in a serious relationship. While I occasionally meet Christian guys, I seem to be drawn to those who are not Christian, and I know this is wrong. Sometimes they tell me they believe in God, but when I ask them to go to church with me, they give me all kinds of excuses.
I met a guy at work a few years ago and instantly became friends. We often spent our lunch hours together, discussing everything under the sun. He is such a great guy, but not a believer. Again, even though I know it is wrong, I have developed deep feelings for him. Throughout our friendship, he has been in serious relationships with many women. So, please help me.
Why do I keep falling for men who do not believe in Christ, aren't Christians, or say they believe, but there is no fruit or proof? Is there something wrong with my faith? My trust in God? And how do I get rid of my feelings for this guy? We are both happy working at the company and do not plan on changing jobs.
Answer: Thanks for sharing and your questions. Regarding this desire and attraction to "lost" men. What is attractive about them? Some qualities are simply appealing to anyone, no matter their spiritual status. They might be kind, gentle, funny, giving, etc. So being drawn to a man, lost or saved, is not bad. Let's explore why you might not be as attracted to Christian men as to lost men.
Q: Are you consistently in church?
Q: Are you involved in tithing and serving?
Q: Are you a part of a healthy singles group, Sunday school, or small group where you would meet and be friends with Christian guys?
If my environment were made up solely of things that aren't good for me, I would eventually choose those things. For example, if you have cupcakes in the house and no salad, you will end up eating cupcakes. Some of this may simply be who you are spending your time with.
Another thought is that being attracted to "lost" guys could be a way of avoiding being involved with a Christian guy. If you date a Christian, you are held to a higher standard, as you should be growing in Christ. If you date a non-Christian, you become the "holy" one. How can any guy hold you accountable? Your measuring stick becomes him instead of Christ. You will always come out ahead if he is your measuring stick. But then you cease to grow. So, I think some fears are at play here. Fears of dating a Christian guy that might lead to marriage... to revealing more about who you are, etc. Maybe it's time to be honest with God about what you need to change to be more like Christ. Believe me, as you grow, you will desire less and less to be with someone not where you are spiritually. The thought of dating someone who does not share your heart for Christ, your hunger to know more, and your commitment to serving the Lord will go away. It's hard enough to make a relationship work when they do know Christ. If you date and eventually marry a lost person, your goals, purpose, and relationship with Christ will not be shared. Marriage is a triangle. As you both grow toward Christ, you both grow toward each other.
I pray that God reveals what you need to change, so you would desire to seek a mate with whom you are equally yoked. Not just because God's word says it, but because you desire it.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37:3-6
Note: Being attracted to someone is a good thing. God created attraction. But he also gives us clear scripture and direction on who we should spend time with, date, and marry. For more information about building healthy intentional relationships, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
Question: I am a middle-aged, single lady who has never been married or in a serious relationship. While I occasionally meet Christian guys, I seem to be drawn to those who are not Christian, and I know this is wrong. Sometimes they tell me they believe in God, but when I ask them to go to church with me, they give me all kinds of excuses.
I met a guy at work a few years ago and instantly became friends. We often spent our lunch hours together, discussing everything under the sun. He is such a great guy, but not a believer. Again, even though I know it is wrong, I have developed deep feelings for him. Throughout our friendship, he has been in serious relationships with many women. So, please help me.
Why do I keep falling for men who do not believe in Christ, aren't Christians, or say they believe, but there is no fruit or proof? Is there something wrong with my faith? My trust in God? And how do I get rid of my feelings for this guy? We are both happy working at the company and do not plan on changing jobs.
Answer: Thanks for sharing and your questions. Regarding this desire and attraction to "lost" men. What is attractive about them? Some qualities are simply appealing to anyone, no matter their spiritual status. They might be kind, gentle, funny, giving, etc. So being drawn to a man, lost or saved, is not bad. Let's explore why you might not be as attracted to Christian men as to lost men.
Q: Are you consistently in church?
Q: Are you involved in tithing and serving?
Q: Are you a part of a healthy singles group, Sunday school, or small group where you would meet and be friends with Christian guys?
If my environment were made up solely of things that aren't good for me, I would eventually choose those things. For example, if you have cupcakes in the house and no salad, you will end up eating cupcakes. Some of this may simply be who you are spending your time with.
Another thought is that being attracted to "lost" guys could be a way of avoiding being involved with a Christian guy. If you date a Christian, you are held to a higher standard, as you should be growing in Christ. If you date a non-Christian, you become the "holy" one. How can any guy hold you accountable? Your measuring stick becomes him instead of Christ. You will always come out ahead if he is your measuring stick. But then you cease to grow. So, I think some fears are at play here. Fears of dating a Christian guy that might lead to marriage... to revealing more about who you are, etc. Maybe it's time to be honest with God about what you need to change to be more like Christ. Believe me, as you grow, you will desire less and less to be with someone not where you are spiritually. The thought of dating someone who does not share your heart for Christ, your hunger to know more, and your commitment to serving the Lord will go away. It's hard enough to make a relationship work when they do know Christ. If you date and eventually marry a lost person, your goals, purpose, and relationship with Christ will not be shared. Marriage is a triangle. As you both grow toward Christ, you both grow toward each other.
I pray that God reveals what you need to change, so you would desire to seek a mate with whom you are equally yoked. Not just because God's word says it, but because you desire it.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37:3-6
Note: Being attracted to someone is a good thing. God created attraction. But he also gives us clear scripture and direction on who we should spend time with, date, and marry. For more information about building healthy intentional relationships, order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Singles' 12-week study today.
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